Published at: Nov. 1, 1999, 10:21 p.m. CST by staff
What is.... Butt-Numb-A-Thon?
My entire life I’ve had to endure people telling me
that I am out of shape. Out of shape for what? Was I
trying to be a traditional athlete? Did I want to climb
mountains? Did I want to jog in place and shower
with other men? Is that what my mission in life was
What all those bony asses didn’t know was that I was
in training. That’s right... Like Balboa, I had some
steps I needed to climb and a stage where I could
jump up and down and throw my fists in the air while
some most excellent Conti trumpets heralded my
I was preparing for... Butt-Numb-A-Thon...
At the Alamo Drafthouse, I have found my steps and
stage. Jason had his Argo. Solo had his Falcon. We
have the Alamo.
Why do I think I can withstand 24 hours of film?
I have had 27 birthdays... alot of birthday spankings.
Each swat was fiery blow to forge this super-ass of
mine. Poke it, prod it... kick it and fist... no... don’t
do that. My buttocks are the ass that will not yield...
As a young boy I once withstood 72 straight hours of
projected entertainment... but that is a boast lost
within the mists of time. It’s time to begin anew...
Am I out of shape? Well, for running that ancient
Greek message to Marathon... yeah... hell yeah... but
in these modern times... you can just pick up the
phone and get that message much faster.
But... We, as humans, must strive to conquer that
which we have never conquered. Some climb K2 or
Everest. Some dive to the Titanic. Some reach out
for space. Lofty and sunken goals to be sure, but for
me... A theater calls...
My pickax is an armrest, my physique created to
withstand an onslaught of filmic delights and perils.
And BUTT-NUMB-A-THON calls to me.
On December 11th, at High Noon.... We will be
seated inside our perilous vessel... the Alamo
We will strap ourselves in for 24 hours of.... FILM.
What sorts of films you ask? The entire gamut. From
silent shorts to cartoons to serials to a giant lizard
movie (that you probably have never seen) to
blaxploitation to sexploitation to classics to a
director’s cut you haven’t seen to at least one world
premiere for a geek flick you’ll quote all the days of
your life... if you survive. We’ll have one of the
greatest digital adventure films ever, we’ll have
swords and battle-axes and kungfu vampires.... We’ll
have death cults and bank robberies... We will travel
to a lonely mountain and have glimpses of things you
have never seen.
This is an experience made only for the strong. The
type of event that you get one shot at. I’ll be there....
Moriarty will be there.... Robogeek will be there....
Massage Therapists will be there.... There will be a
tingling surprise for those who doze and for those that
try to escape....
Armed off duty police officers armed with a big
rubber stamp for your forehead with a scarlet “L” for
It is only $5 to get in, but more to get out. All
proceeds will be going to create a new event here in
Austin. A Saturday Morning Fun Club for children.
The money will go to secure prints of movies that
kids NEED to see young. The movies that provoke
the young minds into high gear. Films like
INVADERS FROM MARS, JASON AND THE
ARGONAUTS, YANKEE DOODLE DANDY,
TREASURE ISLAND, ADVENTURES OF ROBIN
Soon I’ll be giving you ALL the details... We’re still
working it all out. But this is Definitely happening.
I’ll be setting it up where through the site you can
secure your tickets in advance.... BUT! Know this....
There will only be under 400 seats available for this
I’ve already been contacted by people that are making
plans to come from California and Arizona.... This is
what being a film geek is about. The test to stand up
against. You will be Kubrick’s Alex... you will
endure it all. You may leave with a new facial tick
and a cramped asscheek or two... but you will
survive... unless you are a “L”. Are you an “L”?
If you leave early... You’ll be poorer, and will be
marked with an “L”.
How far can you push yourself? What are your
limits? For the extremely strong... you’ll leave the
theater on Sunday with me..... Drive to the nearest
showing of THE GREEN MILE.... A victory lap if
you will... Heh...
Join me and one day you can say.... “I was there with
Harry... The film geek... At the tables with the
beer.... and a hall about the tables and a marquee
outside the hall.... in Austin”
Like I said... More details by week’s end... Stay
tuned for more on....
A 24-Hour Film-Going Odyssey
Remember.... We’re doing it... for the kids!
Alright folks.... A bit of additional information. Don't fret about getting tickets just yet. I will be offering a portion of the tickets exclusively via the site to guarantee you long distant travelers a seat. Also... down below, I have read a question about Presents for Me. While I love BIRTHDAY PRESENTS, it is not a requirement that anyone bring or send me Birthday Presents. However.... If you feel like sending a birthday present my direction... I will not protest... I will light candles in your name and pray to Cthulhu each and every night for your long life and tormented soul. And by Crom, he will grant it. Cause Odin and Zeus will deem it righteous! As for health concerns... In the great William Castle tradition there will be waivers against death, electric shock, dismembership and buttcramps... Stay tuned for more details!!!