Hey, all. Capone in Chicago here.
The last couple of times I've reviewed films starring Jennifer Lopez, I've prefaced them by talking about a time in her career when she used to take chances and made solid films, such as SELENA, OUT OF SIGHT, THE CELL, and hell, I'd even throw ANACONDA on the list. But like most actresses of her stature, she wants everyone to like her and find her adorable. The result has been a string of romantic comedies, many of which have been successful--MAID IN MANHATTAN being one of the biggest. But with the exception of MONSTER-IN-LAW, nothing she has done to this point quite prepared me for the wretched, gooey, discolored bowel movement that is THE BACK-UP PLAN.
Rather than go into detail about the ridiculous, unbelievable plot and grating characters, none of whom act like actual people with functioning brains in their heads, I'd like to describe one scene that sums up the entire movie, or at least it gives you a sense of what you're in for if you spend actual money on this ass of a film. Lopez plays Zoe, a woman who has been artificially inseminated after deciding she's done waiting to find the right man to have children with. She joins a single mom's support group during her pregnancy, and at one point during the film she lands up witnessing the home birth of one of the support group members. So far, so good. The woman giving birth is in a birthing pool with her legs spread wide in the water and Zoe positioned standing over her looking straight down at her pal's vagina. Suddenly Zoe's screams, "What is that?!" Someone in the group remarks that sometimes the bowels release during labor, and quickly another woman is dispatched to scoop out the offending floater from the pool with one of those little nets you use to retrieve dead fish from an aquarium. Welcome to the comedy stylings of THE BACK-UP PLAN.
First of all, didn't women screaming in pain during labor stop being funny or even that revealing years ago? I'd say Katherine Heigl in KNOCKED UP was maybe the last time a birthing sequence was funny, and even that turned a bit serious and scary at the end. But a woman screaming until she's blue in the face and making bug-eyed faces while a baby is supposed to be break dancing down her uterus just isn't that funny anymore; it's just loud.
While we're at it. The way people argue in TV and movies isn't the way most people argue in real life. In real life, people will actually stay in the same room long enough to hear the explanation for a miscommunication or misunderstanding. They don't just suspect there's a problem and go storming out of the room. But they do in movies you need the obligatory two or three "I'm sorry" scenes. Count the number of times characters apologize in movies like this. It's unreal.
But the real problem with THE BACK-UP PLAN is that neither Zoe or the man she meets the same day as her insemination (Alex O'Loughlin) seem like very interesting people. We are told they are in love without us seeing them have a full conversation that goes beyond flirting and/or seduction. Let's see them disagree about something but find a middle ground; let's see them work together to solve a problem that comes their way from the outside world; let's see them talk about things real people talk about instead of just giggle, fight, run, reunite. This film is such a vanity piece for Lopez, there's an entire sequence built around talking about how awesome her ass used to look before she got pregnant, and there's a fleeting glimpse of her thonged ass as she's checking it out in the mirror.
You know who would like a movie like THE BACK-UP PLAN? People with mental deficiencies. Seriously, if you laugh even once during this movie, there might be a piece of your brain missing. Were you in a serious accident? If so, this is the movie for you. Enjoying even a minute of THE BULLSHIT PLAN might mean you have a brain tumor or an aneurysm. I guess the upside of this junk is early detection of certain ailments of the brain. So there's that. Please, I beg you. I know you don't all agree with me; that's fine. What I'm saying is just my opinion. But as God is my witness, you have to stay away from THE BACK DOOR PLAN or whatever the hell it's called. I'm really, truly looking out for you here. Stay strong and good luck.
-- Capone
capone@aintitcool.com
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