I’ve been exposed to this title more than I have any
other film title in history I believe.
Everyday for the last 30 days I’ve watched that damn
kitty-cat swing back and forth in the upper right
corner of my site like some sort of hypnotic
pocketwatch with fur. As I checked the page,
tweaked the code, still the cat swung.
‘You Will See LOVE STINKS,’ it beckoned. But I
did not want to. I don’t care how much money they
spend advertising on my site... I just really could give
a rat’s ass about the film, I felt like I was a newspaper
critic who knew the biggest bomb in the world had a
full page ad in his/her MOVIE SECTION. He/she
doesn’t control the ad, they must merely tolerate it
and celebrate their paycheck while being absolutely
honest with the audience.
Of course passes arrived at my house. Dad wrote
down the date... yadda yadda yadda... And today
comes along. First off... I hadn’t slept in 37 hours
when I went to pick up Tom Joad from the bi-plane
from Oklahoma with Father Geek this morning. I
came home fully intending to sleep. It didn’t happen.
I continued working on the site, answering email until
I hadn’t slept for 42 hours. Then.... zzzzzzzzzz...
Suddenly I’m awake. Father Geek is exclaiming for
me to hurry. I have to get to a screening. So without
opening my eyes I get ready, stumble to the car. Get
in. And I ask... “What are we seeing?”
LOVE STINKS! Then the car was in reverse, the
doors locked, there was no escape. I’m pleading with
him that this movie is so bad it will warp my unspent
sperm into cellular yo-yos.
He preaches at me that we have had the banner on the
site forever now, I need to see and evaluate the film
for all of you. I argue back that none of you have
been fooled into so much as even wasting a spare
second to ponder spending a washer to see the piece
of shit. But then we are at the theater.
I get my drink glass that’s refillable through 2000,
figuring it would give me an excuse to leave and get it
re-filled as well as getting up and leave and take a
long piss. These are all standard safety procedures
one must prepare in order to survive a film so bad
that one’s own eyes will bleed like those miraculous
HOLY MARY statues in the STIGMATA trailer.
I sit in the theater taking an accounting of what
exactly I had done in my life to end up in a seat for a
screening of LOVE STINKS. How does this happen?
What did I do to Dad? Why has he forsaken me with
this Judas move. The senators were circling and the
ides were coming late this year.
The radio personalities came out to do their regular
huckstering. The audience was growling.
FERNANDO was being really upbeat and saying
things like, “I hear really great things about this
When suddenly from the rear of the theater I hear....
“THAT’S NOT WHAT I’VE HEARD!”
Why were people in their seats? I mean, with that
sort of self-whipping sense that they were expecting
bodily harm from merely watching this film.... Why?
One of life’s mysteries I presume.
I figured I’d get some shuteye during the film and
dream of Luc Besson’s THE MESSENGER or Frank
Darabont’s THE GREEN MILE. Anything and
anywhere but this place and this time.
Then the movie began.
Basically what followed was a film with 20 minutes
to 30 minutes of fun material splattered with an hour
and ten minutes of banal idiocy that reeked of wasted
hours and moments of life and resources.
I remember seeing THE WAR OF THE ROSES a
few years back... Maaaannnn, it’s been 10 years now.
Anyway, that was a pretty decent film covering the
same sort of subject matter with a far better cast and
director and cinematographer and writer... But it still
wasn’t real good in my book. In fact the key thing I
remember about that film was that it was the first time
I ever set eyes upon THE SIMPSONS. There was
this theatrical SIMPSONS short that was attached to
the front of some prints of THE WAR OF THE
ROSES. I believe it was the last film I saw a film at
the ol Varsity theater here in Austin before it was
gutted and transformed into a TOWER RECORDS.
Now on the upside for LOVE STINKS, the movie
wasn’t soooo bad that my eyes bled, instead I sat
there listening to the sporadic laughter, which... when
it struck it was akin to the electric shock that Pavlov’s
doggies loved oh so much, and sipped my drink...
praying that my bladder would give me the ability to
leave and play video games in the lobby... But the
bladder held and the cup was never empty.
However, as I sat there I found that the film lulls you.
It made me wish to travel out of my seat and do
something productive like sipping cat urine in a
gutter. You know... Something new. Something to
really get a reaction out of me... like vomiting... But
this film felt like the flourescent lights in JOE VS
But I stayed. I didn’t walk out. I don’t do that. You
owe it to the movie you are watching to watch the
entire train wreck. Because perhaps there will be a
spectacular body flying out a window breaking a tree
limb and doing that really cool MAD MAX body spin
thing. Alas... that didn’t really happen here.
At one point when Bridgette Wilson dresses up like
Elvis and goes into a number from VIVA LAS
VEGAS with French Stewart in the Ann-Margret
role. Now perhaps if she had remained in Elvis mode
whilst making love to French that might have been
fun and worth seeing at least once in life. A gorgeous
Elvis with breast screwing the hell out of one of the
King’s followers. But alas...
The film is filled with bad gags and bad storylines
and characters. The bright spots are as we begin to
head into the more safe comedy commode of FART
HUMOR. It’s actually kind of amusing sort of, the
kid that reviewed this film was right. There was some
pretty halfway decent attempts at laughter, whenever
blowing wind was concerned. So basically when
their love stinks, this movie doesn’t, but unfortunately
the film is filled with TERRIBLE scenes of standing
around smiling at each other. Tick Tock Tick Tock...
The highest praise I can give the movie is that I’m
still... somehow, but the grace of the God of Caffeine,
If you can see the movie for free... well weigh it
carefully. The TV veterans of SILVER SPOONS,
BEVERLY HILLS 90210, 3RD ROCK FROM THE
SUN, SAVED BY THE BELL, COUSIN SKEETER,
FRESH PRINCE OF BEL-AIR, BAYWATCH,
PLAYBOY’S BLONDES BRUNETTES AND
REDHEADS video special really ‘shine’ as dimly as
you would expect them... ahem.... The film’s
direction from the creator and director of FULL
HOUSE is... well on par with that.
Oh... and just in case you were thinking of going to
see the *ahem* ample talents of Bridgette Wilson and
Tyra Banks... know this. There is no nudity in this R
rated film. It soft peddled it’s way there with the use
of the word ‘FUCK’ and ‘COCK’ mostly.
Go only if you are a fan of BAD BAD MOVIES that
noone else you know can stand. Going in with that
sort of expectation might lessen the blow you will
So, remember... Don’t be fooled by the ad banner for
the film. Clickthrough... check out the trailer if they
have it. See for yourself. But if I could spray paint
the word “AVOID” under the film’s banner, I would.
I feel a bit like Maria Ouspenskaya or the denizens of
the Slaughtered Lamb telling you to, “Beware...”