Well as usual for the Knowles Clan we woke up on this the New Year's Eve before the year 1998. Ahhhhh, tradition.
In keeping with our tradition, Dad and I set about creating the seeming state of coolness at our house. (Well technically our backyard) Out came the 7 foot tall Robby The Robot painting on Plywood (it's perfect, done by masterpainter Mark Shaw) and 1 sheet movie posters for POLICEWOMAN, GATOR BAIT, BARBARELLA, OBJECTIVE BURMA, INVISIBLE MAN'S REVENGE, TOMMY, THE HILLS HAVE EYES, SUPERFLY, SUPERFLY TNT and the infamous dangerous damsel flick, THE HUSTLER SQUAD!!! Oh yeah, and Pam Grier in THE ARENA!!!!! A poster very reminiscient of Willy Strode and Kirk Douglas in SPARTACUS, but of course this film is obviously superior. Also a great big FIFTH ELEMENT 2-sheet purchased for the spoiled brat known as Harry Knowles (HEY WAIT THAT'S ME) Scratch that, the infinitely deserving Harry Knowles. Oh yeah, then there is that damn 7 foot Florida Marlin flying over the dilapedated back porch that Jaws ate.
Then we had the foliage we had to slice through. Out came the scythe and the machete. Vicious jungle overgrowth trying to steal our yard away from the party. Harry pulled his FAT CARCASS off of his indented bed, and took up arms against the undergrowth. Slashing, ripping, shredding, my clothes were ruined. It twas really a nightmare. Beaten and bruised, and well being lazy, Harry retreated into his bedroom. Then from out of the house... came... FATHER KNOWLES. An immense and viscious man, whose numero uno enemy is vegetation. We grow 90% of the ragweed in Austin, we hate asthmatics.. heh he hehhhh... Like a gigantic hillbilly/redneck/biker/Mr.Natural/Odin he picked up the Scythe and Machete (which Harry bent on a branch). Like a gleaming balding Santa he waded into the undergrowth. I heard a buzzing of chlorophyll death. I ran into the back yard and... it was cleared.
We mixed up an incredible toxin known only as RUM PUNCH.. Using real life Cruzan Virgin Island Rum (smuggled into the United States by a real jackass living in Arizona now). This potion is meant to loosen the ladies... yes... till they see me thin I say, they'll drink till I'm thin!!!
The lights from God dimmed, and Quint arrived. And the lights from Hollywood began.
The first thing to be shown was old News footage from when my father had a little hair, and underground comics, Flash Gordon, a FREAKS 3-sheet, Bernie Wrightson art, Mighty Joe Young one sheets. Oh yeah and that classic Nick Fury Jim Steranko painting (the one in the spacesuit) Transatlantic Tunnel one sheet. Cool ness.
Previews of Coming Attractions...
The Claude Rains and Nelson Eddy PHANTOM OF THE OPERA trailer. Fantastically cool trailer. Then Sussannah Foster's shrill harpie voice sends shivers down my spine. Nelson Eddy overacting. Brilliant.
This Rum Punch rocks. Then THE GOLDEN VOYAGE OF SINBAD trailer. "the miracle of Dynarama" Sweaty titties of Caroline Munro!!! Incredible. I want to go see the film now!!! Rated G.
SILENT NIGHT EVIL NIGHT. "if this movie doesn't make your skin crawl, it's on too tight"
JAWS tv spot - "A mindless eating machine." Man I'd take a bite out of that cute Spicoli looking girl anytime. Kids kicking, people running from the beach. This trailer rocks. "3 tons of em" "Don't wait for me." "Awwwwwwwwww" Whistle blares, John Williams rocks!!!
THE OMEGA MAN - this sped up motion. "The last man on earth always carries an automatic weapon" I like this film. Riding through the bleachers rocks.
SKULLDUGGERY - THE TROPI!!! Yeah!!! THe missing link. Rated GP.
THE SAGA OF THE APES- the trailer for the entire film series. Very cool. 20th Century Fox wants you to go Ape.
SSSSSSSSSSS - Don't say it hiss it.
The Boy Who Cried Werewolf - BAD
Texas Chainsaw Massacre - coooool. this is a kickass trailer. That damn light sound buzzing, Mariyln Burns kicking and screaming. Nasty nasty COOOOL. "This is the movie that is just as real, just as close, just as terrifying as being there" "TCM after you stop screaming you'll start talking about it."
Count Yorga - trailer starts with a guy walking towards a volkswagon van. Cool. Funky 70s music, constant narration. Man that girl holding her breasts and looking all... yummy. Hey were are the babes, this here party was supposed to have babes. I think I'll have more Rum Punch..
The Christpher Lee --- The Face of Fu Manchu - "Mysterious eyes staring from the faces of the death" The sinister minister of fear. This trailer kicks ass. The most evil and dangerous man on earth. Each ritual murder is a passport to heaven. Kick Ass. Lin Tang - flower of evil, daughter of Fu Manchu. Lin Tang whipping the naked girl rocks. Hee hee this is what New Years should be.
Cat of Nine Tails "Nine times more suspenseful than Psycho!!!" Wow a naked babe already...
I missed a bunch because ROBOGEEK arrives with ice!!!
SHOCK - this is an incredible trailer. Girl running, Vincent Price narrates. Driving a girl in a bed crazy, as he pounds his fist into the bedside. This movie is cool. The trailer makes you want to see it. I can't believe Vincent Price is dead. This sucks!!! A girl knows she is insane, and Vincent convinces her she is insane in the trailer. WOW!!!!
These trailers are in various states of condition. This one is red. Patricia Neal is a bit weird. THE NIGHT DIGGER. "What road will he travel next?"
DARK STAR!!!!!! Yes, this trailer is cool. "They are not lost in space, they're loose."
The Legend of Hell House - I love this movie, and the trailer is intense. Roddy McDowell is awesome. Things explodes, stuff shakes, tables pound, a candlabra flies and fireplace explodes, and Roddy has the most incredible tortoruous scream ever in a trailer. I want to see it NOW!!!! Wow. "The spirits of the dead, can indeed possess the body."
DOUG MACLURE!!!! Yes!!! AT THE EARTH'S CORE!!!
THE FOOD OF THE GODS - Funky big rats!!! "For a taste of hell."
Walt Disney Productions "Treasure of Matecumbe" Kids vs KKK.
RATTLERS - "What a way to die." "Rattlers striking soon."
PHANTOM OF THE PARADISE - Yesssssssssssssssssssssssssssss!!! What a trailer. "The most highly acclaimed horror fantasy of our time."
CREEPING BLOOD - exterior red house paint blood. Fakey. Funky! Girl in an Iron Maiden. Then red torture. "The ultimate in sadistic torture." Cooooool. Lame lame lame.... hahahahahahahha hahahahahahh a ahhhaha "The sensual naked limbs of virgin's torn from their torso!!!" Yeah!!! RIGHT ON!!!! Coool!!!
NAKED UNDER LEATHER - About a girl that likes to dress naked under leather. She's always aroused because of the texture ya know. I want to see this movie. I know nothing about it, but it's a classic.
Next ROBOGEEK brings MOVIETONE 1938 "YEAR IN NEWS." Robogeek brings screwed up thing. First it was on the reel backwards, now it is upside down. What the hell is up with Robogeek? Kiki put a spell on it... -
ROBOGEEK TAKES OVER THE COMPUTER:::
BWAH-HA-HA-HA! It is I, RoboGeek! Harry has left his computer to stoke the fires, so I have seized my opportunity to wrest control of the vast Ain't-It-Cool Empire, if only for a few mere moments. Ahhh, I can feel the power flowing through my veins. I have become one with THE FORCE!!! Now, before I must yield control back to Harry, what one act shall I perform? What deed shall I accomplish? What message shall I send forth into the global consciousness?
Kate Winslet! Hey! Marry me!
Damn, he's returning. I must leave...
HARRY RETURNS:::
So here goes a 60 years ago, what happened year in review!!! Movietone 1938...
FLOOD'S HAVOC === Southern California gets flooded. 118 lives lost. People skiing behind cars. Trains destroyed, boats in streets.
HOLLAND'S HAPPINESS --- Princess' baby girl is born. 40 years of happy reign. (ROBOGEEK roars with pride. He's half-Dutch.)
UNDECLARED WARS --- "Brother continues to annihilate brother." Fear and Destruction. War!!!
CHINA IS CRUSHED BENEATH JAPAN'S ARTILLERY!!! "Resistence is shattered!!!" Bombs destroy. "Direct hits demolish city after city"
PANAY HERO REWARDED --- My grandfather was there. WOW!!! Shit, this is cool.
FDR speaks!!!
The newly completed Thousand Islands Bridge.
HAND OF PEACE --- GEORGE the sixth and Elizabeth go to France!!! WOW!!! Paris of 1938!!!
HITLER... man this is scary. He is taking pieces of Czech... Terrifying footage of Nazis marching. British prime minister talks Hitler. EUROPE ON THE EDGE. Riots, Mussolini... god look at those crowds. Stunning. I've never seen crowds like that. The news reel is hopeful of peace, but I know that ain't gonna happen.. eerie...
RHEIMS CATHEDERAL rebuilt. Wow. Matte painting from heaven. Gorgeous. But it's real!!!
AVIATIONS PROGRESS --- Pick-a-back Plane. A six motor 70 passenger plane. Wow. Can't help but think about how this fares for WWII. Amazing. Ticker Tape parade for Howard Hughes!!! Man, Ticker Tape Parades are COOOOOL!!!!
Castle Films!!!!
Hooray for ROBOGEEK!!! What a News Reel!!! Kick Ass!!!! Man, I love vintage news reels, wish I had more. It's such an amazing piece of history. WOW!!!
Now we all began talking about how it sucks that Will Mumy isn't in Lost In Space...
More Trailers.............
2001 --- Cool trailer. I wish I had been alive to have seen this, with the mindset of someone living then. Fabulous. Something Special. You know it.
BARBARELLA --- A super cool trailer. Kitschy Kool. Where is my babes to see this. "See Barbarella do here thing in the wicked excessive machine 'kinda nice isn't it'" Marcel Marceau!!! John Philip Law!!!! Adventure beyond your imagination...
The World's First Rock n Roll Dracula Movie. THE SON OF DRACULA!!! Coool, Ringo Starr as something. Cool movie, obviously a classic. What a narration.
LEGEND OF HELL HOUSE --- again. I love this trailer. Wow...
Don't get murdered this weekend!!! See Two Movies for the price of one. "THE BLACKBELLY OF THE TARANTULA" "THE WEEKEND MURDERS!!!" Wow. Classy films!! FROM MGM!!!
BRIDE OF FRANKENSTEIN!!! This is a trailer. KARLOFF walks the silver screen!!! Those gothic ceilings!!! The Lab!!! this ain't no repro this is the real thing. The Bride. ERNEST THEISIGER!!! THe FRANS WAXMAN SCORE
KING KONG!!! This is the trailer that Ackerman saw... Harryhausen... Bradbury... it changed their lives. My god. When people say they have seen good trailers... Imagine seeing this thing on the original silver screen. Amazing. Stunning. "What film was made for." What a piece of history. Wow.
DRACULA --- This is how the world first saw Bela Lugosi. The first lines heard were... "I... am... Drac...ula" Dwight Frye... "Ratsssss ratsssss... thousandsss... of them... millllionsssss of themmmmm...." I live for this stuff. I want to see them now!!!
By the way I'm drinking the Rum Punch as watching and typing this.
TEXAS CHAINSAW MASSACRE --- the tv spot. I can't believe they got away with that.
CREEPING FLESH... "No one can escape the Creeping Flesh. Rated PG"
"Fly away Batman, here comes the original caped crusader!" A STUDY IN TERROR! Sherlock Holmes vs. Jack the Ripper!
EXORCIST --- BRILLIANT TRAILER.
Damn scary doll face appears... FOUR FLIES ON GREY VELVET.
ASYLUM --- creepy trailer. "Filled with stark raving terror." The body parts moving wrapped in butcher paper... I hate this trailer... it has scared me my whole life.
DRACULA'S DAUGHTER --- I've never loved this film, my father has, this trailer is lame, but with great music. GLORIA HOLDEN just doesn't do it for me. Nan Grey is mighty cute though!!! hubba hubba
Scared woman begins running through hallways screaming... my God she has big breasts... She falls out a window... HAPPY MOTHERS DAY.
TIME TUNNEL!!! Just an opening. This is cool. The music rocks. Robogeek psyches out, begins babbling in the aliens' strange tongue. Glen begins freaking. "We are from Alpha 1." The words "It will be a DEAD PLANET." A coool trailer.
ZARDOZ --- This is a cool movie no one sees. This trailer kicks ass. John Boorman is cool!!!
Anamorphic Duovision... WICKED WICKED. The whole film was in split screen.
Robogeek is stuck saying DAMN... DAMNN... DAMNNNNN... We all begin eating. Talk at you later. Some one may take over...
