THE SWORD AND THE SORCERER review

There are four grades with which I consider the various shades and colors of light that fall across a silver screen.

There are Cinema, Film, Movies and Flicks.

Like grades of sandpaper they each affect me in different manners.

Cinema is the finest grain. It is used for the finest artistry.

Film is a strong grain used to create strong lasting features.

Movie is a commercial grade with which products are created.

And lastly... but not least...

Flicks. Flicks have the roughest of grain, but they grind away at you, carving off all the pretension and self-importance till you are just filled with a sense of fun.

Tonight I saw poor cinema, an interesting film, a good movie and a GREAT FLICK.

The title.... THE SWORD AND THE SORCERER.

I hold no classification above another. And there are very few films that hold greats in all categories. These would be titles like RAIDERS OF THE LOST ARK, TREASURE OF SIERRE MADRE, FOOTLIGHT PARADE, KING KONG... etc. They are literally great cinema, great films, great movies and great flicks.

It dawned on me tonight while watching THE SWORD AND THE SORCERER at the Alamo Drafthouse that I make these distinctions... But it seems not many others do.

You see... I went around and found I could not find THE SWORD AND THE SORCERER rated higher than 2 stars or a 5.5 on the IMDB scale. And this... this does not do this flick justice.

Tonight, Tim over at the Alamo Drafthouse held a test screening of his newly procured 35mm print of the film. He invited the randiest band of filmgoers he could think of that would appreciate this movie.... Team AICN.

So... Annette Kellerman, Father Geek, Hooper, Tom Joad, Dr Emilio Lizardo, Quint and I braved the construction and rioting homeless people that were literally ripping street signs out of the sidewalk (not exaggerating) at 12:01 a.m. to see this 2 star film.... Hmph!

Much to my shock, only Father Geek and I had seen the flick projected before. As a matter of fact, back in 1982, we saw this film about 5 times at the Southwood here in Austin. Then when it went to the drive in...

Then the next year at the drive in here in Austin we saw this film as the third flick of a triple feature that began with KRULL went on to BEASTMASTER and ended with THE SWORD AND THE SORCERER. I must have seen this film under the stars.... nearly a dozen times.

Then on cable. My god. How many times did it air on HBO in 1984? I saw it that many times.

However... it’s been around 15 years since I’ve seen this movie. My god.... It’s amazing how time passes. But in my narrow length of existence on this planet, I saw this film close to 50 times between the ages of 10 and 13.

When Tim invited me to come down to see it, I instantly did an impersonation of Talon on the crucifix. I began jabbering about the coolest sword in film history. Yap yap yap yap.

I came home, called anyone who would listen and began frothing at the mouth trying to get them to come check this shit out. I mean... Sheeshus, it’s THE SWORD and the fucking SORCERER. Richard MOLL Man! Glowy fingers that rip out hearts and entrails. I’m talking serious coolness.

I invited Charlie Oakley and Copernicus. They both started down playing the film. Saying my childhood memory was faulty. That my enthusiasm was going to be rewarded with BITTER REALITY....

Oh no. No. No. That can’t be true. That’s impossible.

So I outfitted my 5 cd stereo to play for two days the soundtracks to.... DRAGONSLAYER, CONAN THE BARBARIAN, RAIDERS OF THE LOST ARK, SEVENTH VOYAGE OF SINBAD and THE GOLDEN VOYAGE OF SINBAD. I wanted to be enthused with ADVENTURE! Rollicking Adventure with a spirit of fun.

Having bought the soundtrack for RUN LOLA RUN today and outfitted my car with it, Dad and I were speeding along at 60 in 35 zones... and luckily there were no imperial entanglements. (NOTE TO SELF: Remove RUN LOLA RUN from Car CD player)

We arrive at the theater as the staff is cleaning up the Drafthouse after the last scheduled showing of the night... MATRIX. They tell Annette, Father Geek and I that Tim is in San Antonio... and that they haven’t heard from him.

FEAR.

Oh no. No. I’m up for this. You don’t understand the cosmic significance of watching this movie. I love this movie. And I’m talking love as in the way you loved that pet that your parents hated but you snuck food out to and played with and let lick all over your dirty face. I’m talking about the love for a film that all the officials in the world piss on and... ya know.... They just don’t get it. This is THE SWORD AND THE SORCERER and it rocks.

The rest of the crew arrived, and we prepared ourselves for... the movie. If Tim would arrive. Suddenly someone with a cel phone cries out.... “TIM is on his way!”

Oh Glory Be To God and all the Fallen Angels in the shadows.

At this point Dr Emilio Lizardo and I began discussing the finer points of issue with this classic film. Like the stuntman that died, or the fact that Talon was born in Texas, or the rumor that the director was an understudy of Akira Kurasawa (That is one of them pulled from the cracks of Moriarty’s asscheeks bits of knowledge)

We tank up on Guinness and popcorn and head in to watch... THE SWORD AND THE SORCERER....

You know... I would love to do commentary on a special DVD on this movie. My enthusiasm and love for this flick is that strong. I want to go through and document each and every moment of utter coolness that this film flows out with.

First off it’s a friggin Parker novel done as a Fantasy movie.

WHAT?

No... Seriously. You see... Parker novels always have the character wanting something... simple. In PAYBACK it was his $70,000.00. In another novel it was the plastic gumball ring his wife or girlfriend had given him. BUT he was willing to kill, maim, squish and generally fuck with anyone and everyone that got between him and his goal.

Well.... Here... In THE SWORD AND THE SORCERER, we have Talon (played with a gratuitous amount of charm and charisma becoming a mega-movie star by Lee Horsley) who simply wants to bed this woman he met in an alley.

Now for him to bed her, she asks that he free her brother (supposed heir to the thrown) from the evil Cromwell’s dungeon.... AND save her men from being roasted alive. Basically... she assigns him to die.

Well, fuck it. This is TALON I’m talking about. No price for a fine piece of ass is too high to ask for. And this wench is creating a crotch tent that needs unfurling.

For the next hour we see TALON kill a good 50 men or more. He roasts them alive, cleaves their heads in two, stomach wounds, ramming their skulls into stone walls and many... more surprising manners of death.

Meanwhile, this evil Cromwell killed his Mother and Father and wrested away his kingdom back a good 8 years prior... BUT ya know what? He could really give a rat’s ass. He just wants to lay Alana.

And what type of character is TALON?

Well, he just rocks. No matter where he goes he is known. People willingly throw away their lives to fight for him. When swinging in a room, he lands upon a naked lass in a harem, kisses her.... says, “Wish I could stay longer,” gets up and begins to run out of the room as evil guards begin chasing him.

Now ordinarily... That would be a lame scene. But you see... Talon is soooooo coool, that the mere sight of him rouses this room full of gorgeous naked women into revolt fighting for him.

He’s so cool that men in a brothel laying pipe, disengage in mid-stroke to storm the castle to set him free when they hear he might be in danger.

And I haven’t even gotten around to that fucking sword of his. IT’S AWESOME!!!! I love that sword.

Oh.... Lest I forget. GORE! Tons of it. NUDITY! Tons of it. A great Monster. Cool Glowy Fingers. Sparks that shower from swords as they clang together. Super swords that break all others.

AND THE SCORE!

My god... I love the score to this movie. As a matter of fact I’m singing it right now. It’s a mixture of RAIDERS OF THE LOST ARK, the Fleischer SUPERMAN theme and the score to TO KILL A MOCKINGBIRD. And man.... I want this score in it’s entirety on CD right now this very second.

But ya know what.... All this raving. All this excitement. It’s for a two star movie. FUCK THE RATINGS MAN!

What the hell!

This movie is fun. A helluva alot of fun. Massive gigantic loads of steaming thrilling fun. And.... GOD I WANT TO DO COMMENTARY WITH MY FRIENDS FOR THIS MOVIE.

I’m soooooo pumped right now. I feel like driving back down to the Drafthouse. And having Tim rethread the baby.

Sigh.

Well... It looks like Tim and I might have something really cool planned that you folks might be able to take part in this year on my Birthday (December 11th which happens to fall on a Saturday this year). If we do what we are planning. Heh.... It’s gonna be a blast! We’re thinking of doing a 24 hour film marathon from Midnight to Midnight. We’re working out the details, but damn I want to show this movie that night. It rocks sooooo hard!

Well. Damn. I’ve written something along the lines of 1700 words praising this masterpiece of a cool flick. This is derring do. This is having adventure for the sheer joy of it. To win kingdoms and lay women. There is something so damn DUDE about that that I can’t help but be gleefully enraptured by it.

If you’ve never seen the film. Do. It’s better than any ol stuffy bastard will ever tell ya. And you can tell em I said so.