Ok folks, you either love him or hate him, it's up to you, but Hallenbeck has been the top test screening spy for 1997. He's gotten in and reported on more top notch screenings this year than anyone else. He's is rude, crude and socially unacceptable, but damn if he doesn't have a hell of a personality. So I decided I would give Joe a chance to give all of us his top and bottom ten. Now this does not reflect my opinion (which will be expressed around Oscar noms time, so I can see all the films that are released in the LA to NY timeframe). In addition to his top ten and bottom ten, he does a prediction list in three categories. When he asks you to trust him in this category... listen. Enjoy, not really news, but hell, it let's you know the taste of the top spy.
'Tis that time again...'tis the season when we so-called film critics probe our minds and try to come up with the best and worst films of the year. Unlike some film critics(namely Glenn Whipp of the LA Daily News), I, the Mighty Joe Hallenbeck, sat through well over 250 films this year. Most I forgot about the minute they were over. However, amazingly enough, there were some flicks(more so than in the past two years...GOD, I hated The English Patient!) that truly can be called good...if not GREAT! Unfortunately, there were also films that were so god awful they drove a movie geek like myself to kill(well...almost. Joel Schumacher is still breathing). So now, let the one and only Joe Hallenbeck, share with you his thoughts(as perverted as they might be) as to which films ROCKED...and which films were "MACHER-BAD"....
THE BEST IN THE WEST(a.k.a. THE GREAT ONES):
1. TITANIC - What could I possibly say about this film that someone else hasn't? Way back in August I told all you geeks this was the best damn film of the year(as a matter of fact, its the best film since Schindler's). I told you compadres this masterpiece kicks ass. I said that this film was going to make major bank and collect a shit load of awards(which it will). But, did you believe the Mighty Joe?...Some did. Some didn't. Now, that all of you have spewed your joy juice after seeing this incredible flick, do you believe me? I thought so.
2. L. A. CONFIDENTIAL - A Film Noir with a happy ending?...and it's a masterpiece? To quote Axel Foley, "Get the Fuck out of here!" That's right, me amigos...Curtis Hanson and Co. managed to outdo Roman and Robert and make the most kick-ass cop film noir to ever grace the silver screen(well, at least in my opinion). They not only told a highly complicated and emotionally involving story, but they actually managed to end the flick with the most intense and kick ass climax I've seen all year(plus, Curtis got Bassinger to act...who would've thunk?).
3. AS GOOD AS IT GETS - ...was just that. This was bar-none the best script of the year. The dialouge was crackling. The characters were real. The settings comfortable. This movie had the kind of script that any self-loathing screenwriter would kill to write. Oh, and uh...the acting was good too. Oh, and the directing was okay. Of course, you know, I'm being sarcastic. This was a near perfect movie. MAN, what a great damn film!
4. DONNIE BRASCO - Have we seen this story told before?...Yes. But, have we seen it told so well and with so much emotion...HELL NO!!! Depp and Pacino deliver knock out performances in the most underrated movie of the year. I had lost all respect for Pacino as an actor. For years, this once great thespian had overacted his heart out. He got so anoyying to me that, at one point while watching Heat, I screamed out, "Calm the Fuck down, monkey boy!" What a great subtle performance he gave in this film. 'Tis a shame he won't get a nom for this role...let alone an award. 'Tis also a shame this movie will be overlooked come Academy time. It is, in my opinion, one of the finest pieces of cinema to come to the screen in years.
THE REST(The Good Ones):
5. AMISTAD - A great educational movie that taught me that Spielberg, while dealing with so-so material, can still turn out a damn good film. I hate the man! I so wanted to hate this flick, but after it was over I just couldn't. I don't know what did it for me...Was it Hopkins brilliant performance? The beautiful writing(particualiarly Hopkin's speech...which, in my opinion, will go down as a classic scene)? Or, Spielberg's knack at telling a great story? I don't know and I don't care. I really liked this film. It was educational, dramatic, and it had enough of a popcorn factor in it that made it truly entertaining.
6. THE SWEET HEREAFTER - Here's another flick I wanted to hate. It appeared on just about every critic's Top 10 List, so, naturally, I figured it had to suck. Boy, was I ever wrong. This is one highly involving, gut-wrenching journey into one town's soul. Ian Holm delivers a powerful, emotionally drained performance as a lawyer who goes to a small town to defend the parents of some kids that were killed in a tragic Bus accident. If you haven't seen this movie, do yourself the favor and do! It's a difficult movie to follow(it's told in a non-linear approach), but if you're half way intelligent you should manage alright(hell...I did!).
7. FACE/OFF - The kick ass, big-budget, Hollywood extravaganza of the year! Brilliantly written. Masterfully directed. Awesome Acting. All this, plus some of the most amazing action sequences ever filmed...what more can a red-blooded, heterosexual American male ask for?...well, the daughter could've been naked in one scene, but I won't gripe.
8. GROSSE POINTE BLANK - Every so often I see a movie for the first time and it ain't that hot. However, upon 2nd and 3rd viewing the movie gets better and better. GPB is one such movie. It's a movie like this that made me adopt my rules of three(I always give a movie 3 shots during my life time. Maybe I thought it sucked the first time out, but upon 2nd and third viewing I finally got what it was about. Or, maybe I loved the movie, but upon repeat viewings it lost it's flavor. You never know.). GPB is bound to become a cult hit along the lines of Better Off Dead and The Blues Brothers.
9. GOOD WILL HUNTING - A nice, little movie with dynamite writing and superb acting. I laughed...I got teary-eyed...and I enjoyed the hell out of the film(all 3 times I've seen it). To me, the film had three classic scenes: 1) The "Park Bench" Scene, 2) The "Game 6" Scene, 3) The "2-friends-talking-over-a-beer-while-on-break" scene.
If a movie has 1 classic scene, that's something...but for a movie to have 3 classic scenes...well, it at least deserves to go on my Top 10.
10. PRIVATE PARTS - First off, let me say I hate Howard Stern. I find his show to be crude, crass, and socially unexceptable(sounds like me). I find his humor to be childish and down-right disgusting most of the time. However, I found his movie to be one the most entertaining films I've seen in years. Betty Thomas(the new Landis and/or Reitman) and Len Blum managed to create a touching, often hysterical, Kane-esque tribute to one dispicable man. I sure hope one day they can do the same for me.
The next five are movies that were good, but didn't make the cut:
COPLAND - Nothing wrong with it, but didn'r blow me away like the others.
FULL MONTY - Good, but didn't hold up upon repeat viewings.
THE ICE STORM - Same as Monty.
BREAKDOWN - Great, old-fashioned filmmaking, but not much of a story.
CHASING AMY - Would've made my Top Ten, but what a shitty ending.
And now, my fellow geeks, allow moi, the MIGHTY JOE HALLENBECK, to tell you what films I thought were worse than Chris Pula's marketing job of Warner's movies(although, I don't think there were films released this year that were THAT bad).
1. BATMAN AND ROBIN - "DEATH TO SCHUMACHER!" 'Nuff Said
2. DISNEY'S LIVE ACTION QUARTET OF QURAP A.K.A. JUNGLE 2 JUNGLE, GEORGE OF THE JUNGLE, FLUBBER, AND MR. MAGOO - Not even these four combined were as bad as B 'n R, but enough picking on the bat. I feel so sorry for kids nowadays. If I had to choose from any of this P.O.S.'s I'd swallow my legos whole and pray for a quick death.
3. SPEED 2: SNOOZE CONTROL - One more reason why sequels shouldn't be made. I mean, honestly...can any of your chimps with checkbooks over at Fox look me straight in the eye and tell me you thought this was going to be a good movie, let alone watchable?
4. JACKIE BROWN - The most boring. pretentious piece of shit film I've seen this year(and yes...I've seen The Postman). As you all know by now, this film truly is not DA BOMB! What a fuckin' hack!
5. FATHER'S DAY - Reitman. Mandel and Ganz. Crystal. Williams. Silver?...yes, Joel Silver. How can these masters of comedy(and mayhem) turn in such an embarrassing film. Never have I felt so sorry for any one who worked on a film before while I was watching this truly wretched comedy(if you can call it that). Shame.
6. THE DUMBASS PESCI DUO A.K.A. 8 HEADS IN A DUFFEL BAG AND GONE FISIN' - Here's a friendly tip to you, my daygo friend -- Stick to gangsters and goodfellas and quit trying to be a leading man! It hurts me to watch your talent go to waste like this! Stop it before one of your fans stops you!!!
7. SMILLA'S SENSE OF SNOW - The one and only time I fell asleep during a movie...and this was after drinking 5 Espresso's!
8. THE JACKAL - One more reason why Hollywood should stop remaking movies. A disgrace to filmmaking. Gere should be shot and Michael Canton-Jones should be hung by the rafters. How dare they remake a good movie based upon a brilliant novel. It makes me sick!
9. DANTE'S PEAK - A big-budget, boring, cliched disaster movie with shitty F/X, terrible writing, god awful directing, and wretched acting. What more could a red-blooded, heterosexual American Male ask for?
10. THE POSTMAN - Uh, return to sender. Huh-huh. Huh-huh. Truly a bad film. A prime example as to what happens when you let a star's ego get in the way of a movie. Still, it's the funniest damn movie of the year!
And now, a special award for most overrated, annoying, down-right hari-keri inducing, shittiest movie of the year -- DECONSTRUCTING HARRY. It's Woody. 'Nuff said.
Joe Hallenbeck's prediction's for '98:
THE GOOD:
SAVING PRIVATE RYAN, THIN RED LINE, EYES WIDE SHUT, PRINCE OF EGYPT, DARK CITY(TRUST ME), FALLEN(TRUST ME), EATERS OF THE DEAD, SNAKE EYES, DR. DOLITTLE, MEET JOE BLACK, THE TRUMAN SHOW, MAN IN THE IRON MASK, THE AVENGERS, I AM LEGEND(if it's made), AND APT PUPIL. Oh, and some movie with an "X" in the title.
ENTERTAINING CRAPFESTS:
MIGHTY JOE YOUNG, DEEP IMPACT, ARMAGEDDON, LETHAL WEAPON 4, WEDDING SINGER, PRIMARY COLORS, GODZILLA, PARKER, A CIVAL ACTION, THE BIG LEBOWSKI, MASK OF ZORRO, SMALL SOLDIERS, THE PARTY, ENEMY OF THE STATE,
B 'N R BAD:
MULAN, LOST IN SPACE, BLADE, HARD RAIN, VIRUS, BB2K, DEEP RISING, SPECIES 2, REPLACEMENT KILLERS, MY GIANT, GREASE(like it was that good the first time around), SUPERMAN LIVES(if it's made), DESPERATE MEASURES, HUSH, STAR TREK 9(it's an odd...you do the math),ODD COUPLE 2, BLUE VISION, BABE 2(why must they make a sequel? It'll just lesson the original.), AND JUST ABOUT EVERYTHING ELSE INCLUDING WOODY'S LATEST AND ANYTHING THE CRITICS TRULY LOVE THAT EVERYONE HATES!
T.T.F.N.,
Joe Hallenbeck
