Beware. From Brazil comes a warning. A sacred parchment that basically intructs us that: All whom watch these films will surely regret it, unless intoxicated to an irrational state of bliss. So my friends. Read and take to heart. Shit is coming to a theater/video store near you!
Hey Harry , first time scooper here , talking to ya all the way from São Paulo , Brazil . This is the first time I send a scoop because honestly , I´ve never had anything to send before , living in Brazil usually I get to see things months after you guys in the States , but this time around I got some info on a few genre movies , some of them are straight to video releases here in Brazil , others are now in theaters over here .
I saw Universal Soldier , the return , yesterday and I really think I should provide a service here by telling people that it kinda , well you know , stinks . Save your hard earned cash for something else , ANYTHING else really . I mean the first one had bad acting courtesy of Lundgren and Van Damme , a bad script thanks to Dean Devlin , and to boot the german hack himself Roland Emmerich was in charge of the whole mess . Did we need a sequel ? This second film manages to do the impossible : it´s worse than the first one . Yes , you heard me . I think Knock-off is better than this ( at least Tsui Hark tried to save it ) . My advice to Van Damme is to start actually READING the scripts before he signs on to do the movies . The director is some guy named Mic Rodgers , who is a stunt choreographer . My advice to him is he should stick to doing that . Just that . No more directing for you pal . You´ve done enough damage already . Oh , I almost forgot Michael Jai White is in this too . He should start reading the scripts he is offered too ´cause after this and Spawn , man you can´t go any lower .
I also rented a bunch of films that were released straight to video ( Gee , I wonder why ? ) . First up The Eternal . Well Michael Almereyda , the guy who directed that weird vampire flick Nadja is the helmer here and he adds some style to an otherwise ordinary piece of junk . Alysson Elliot tries her best too , I think she is in fact the best reason to rent this movie , she pulls off a dual role perfectly . Christopher Walken is in this too , chewing every bit of the scenes . Stylish , visually interesting , but too melodramatic for my taste . Too much family drama , not enough horror . Still worth a look though .
Then I saw Beowulf , starring Christopher Lambert . Oh man , where to begin . Have you ever seen the Mortal Kombat TV show ? Well , this thing I witnessed last night , manages to look and feel cheaper than that show . The movie was produced by the same company that made tha MK movies and the TV show , so that´s why I´m saying this . It has a loud techno sdtk , choppy editing , lousy CGI , bad acting , awful production design ( medieval and futuristic at the same time ? ) , and crappy characters , I could go on and on . For instance the monster in the film is so stupid that his face is a blur . Yup , you heard me : a blur . Have you ever seen Cops , where they blur people´s faces when they don´t want to show them on TV ? That´s what they did in this movie . The monster´s face is a blur . How´s that for crappy ? Oh , it ain´t over yet . Towards the end , our hero battles a winged bitch ( once again , you heard me ) , a CGI winged bitch . I firmly believe that the CGI on Babylon 5 or even Wing Commander , is better than this . The only thing this movie has is a stunning babe . I don´t even know her name , but I know she used to be the Tomb Raider model for Eidos . Man , she is a beauty . Resurrection is yet another Russel Mulcahy/Christopher Lambert team-up . It smells like Seven , it looks like Seven , it feels like Seven , but it ain´t Seven . You´re better off watching an episode of Perversions of Science directed by Mulcahy than this . Mostly routine , boring stuff . Cliché alert with this one .
Talos , the mummy or Tale of the Mummy , or whatever the hell Dimension calls it now , is a nice little horror flick that is more or less an enjoyable ride for an hour and a half . It entertained me , the performances are mostly tight ( Christopher Lee is so cool ) , Russel Mulcahy did a better job with this one than with Resurrection . It´s just better . Totally awesome job done by KNB on the make-up , but the CGI is not that good . Also egyptians are not supposed to look like WWF wrestlers . At least I think they are not .
All the way from Brazil , Gris says : see ya .
