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Our PROXY X checks out an early screening of CHERRY FALLS.

FATHER GEEK here with a report from our Proxy #10 who got in to a test screening for CHERRY FALLS a "new" (?) serial killer flick that has the crazed murderer stalking virgins only. (Cherry Falls... get it?) Well, this was a work in progress supposedly, so keep that in mind as you read. Also some of you may not want to know as much as Proxy tells, so be fore warned that spoilers exist. If indeed this film can be spoiled any worst than it already is...

Ugh, Harry did I just come from one steaming pile of cineshit. Probably saw one of if not THE worst film of my entire life. The title Cherry Falls.

First off, as Harry does, I will give you a brief background of myself and tastes as well as the mood I was in while seeing it. Don’t worry I won’t go into as much detail as Harry does. Yes, definitely I wasn’t having a great day I was screwed over by a certain psycho path who will remain anonymous but we will refer to as Duck creature (Don’t ask). Anyway I’ve been badly burned by these test screenings skipping ones that were actually promising like Go and attending ones that were horrible like Urban Legend. I like all kinds of film so don’t think I’m targeted to any genre. My favorite films of last year were Out of Sight, Happiness, The Butcher Boy, Shakespeare in Love, and Pi. I’m a teenager and I can’t drive yet if that’s a hint. I’m also male.

Ok now for the “film.” Little did me and my comrade know of this movie’s horror. By the way since this is a horror/serial killer film let me state that was not a complement.

SCRIPT: God awful, your typical boring serial killer plot. Psycho killer is killing a certain kind of person that drags out the past of the “hero” and forces the “hero to face the vengeful victim of some horrible wrong. Been there, done that, and the worst part being that this film doesn’t even remotely try to break out of it’s mundane concept with original anything. There’s not a unique style of killing (He just stabs them and for a change of pace nails them to things. Not very exciting especially since the killer hunts virgins you’d think there would be a million horrific and original things you could do to them.), no unique killer (If you think this is unique you must have never seen a serial killer film.). This film also shamelessly steals from several horror classics including Carrie, The Shining, and Psycho. It does it so badly too, never actually trying to say it is some kind of nod to these films just that it’s stealing from them with no reason or concept as to why. The characters never develop into anything interesting they all pretty much stay the same as they were in the beginning of the film. There all extremely underdeveloped to begin with. So it’s not as though you care when a main character is just mindlessly hacked to gory bits and the other characters react to it with about the same honesty as a Tom and Jerry cartoon. Also as far as I’m concerned this is nothing more than an exploitation film. It contains extreme extreme violence especially for your average teen hack em up (It takes a lot for me to say that you have no idea how horrifically violent films I’ve seen.), and it has tons of shameless teenage sex and casual nudity. This including a teenage “fuckfest” as the principal likes to refer to the orgy organized by the kids to keep safe from the virgin killer. I could go into further detail about the million or so other sub plots set up that never pay off. For instance the main character’s relationship with her father that is seemingly incestuous in some way, like when she falls over on him, and never goes anywhere. There’s also the female deputy who also seems to have the hots and a back story with the father, who by the way is also the sheriff, but the movie never pays off or explains all the extreme hints. Oh let’s not even begin to start with ending which doesn’t make any sense at all. I mean at all. I would never expect a movie to even think about taking on such a horrifically horrible baffling attempt to set up a sequel or whatever the hell they were going for (Lets just say it has Carrie written all over it, except it’s not scary nor does it make sense.). I also don’t know what hack screenwriter wrote this garbage but you can’t make your characters seem sympathetic by saying while they were unconscious their friends forced the character to rape someone else while he was unconscious By the way the flashback scene that shows it doesn’t make any sense still. Also you can’t say it’s justifiably correct for a girl to give her virginity to a guy who quite obviously doesn’t care about her. He just wants to get laid but later he actually gets off his ass and doesn’t let her get murdered by a lunatic. Ughhhh, I’m sorry, I’ve gone into such detail and believe me I could go into hours more of it but I must move on. So to sum it up terrible. P.S. The dialogue is worst then a porno flick.

DIRECTION: The little summary card they gave me said an Australian director with a unique style. Well he must have left it in Australia. Some of the chase scenes where interesting, sort of, nothing as intense as the one after John Doe in Seven (A brilliant film.). So it certainly wasn’t genius and wholly original but it wasn’t absolutely horrible.

CAST: Ughhhhhhhhh, Jay Mohr, what can I say man. I like him. He’s a funny guy and I’m looking forward to his TV show but ughhhhh. Words can not describe how bad this performance was. I mean it was Nicolas Cage over the top but 300 times worst and like he’s not even acting just making an over the top unintentionally funny (I hope.) impersonation. So I’m leaving you with this advice bury this film, NOW! Hide it call upon all of your sources and make this a direct to video and above all do not promote it. Don’t act proud of it. Just put it away and forget about it. I think your a good actor and have a future so stick to the small quirky roles like in Go and work your way up to being a dramatic actor your taking on too much too fast. The guy that played the sheriff, I think he was in The Rock, was horrible too very horrible. He didn’t have a lot to work with though but still very bad. The lead girl was fairly good though, she was the “dork” in Clueless who they make popular, very very sexy. I hope to see her in something good.

EVERYTHING ELSE: The cinematography and art direction was actually very good it sort of hinted at the genius world created in Seven. Some of the classrooms and hallways had an interesting open, creepy, and dark look to them as well as the library chase scene.

So there you have it. Would I recommend this movie? Definitely not, although I did have a huge laugh. So if your looking for an unintentional comedy go for it. Believe me I realize and honestly do respect that a director has to tinker with some things and edit some stuff here and there, but if I honestly thought there was hope for this film I wouldn’t have been so negative. After watching the first thirty minutes I saw quite a few errors that if worked on very hard could have been made tolerable but after that and especially once you hit plot point two it’s over you can’t make shit into gold.

Proxy X

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