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Gimme an F!!! Gimme a U!!! What's that smell? Capone isn't cheering for FIRED UP!!!

Hey everyone. Capone in Chicago here. I'll give this silly comedy some credit. At least this film has some jokes in it, and it doesn't resort to sensory memory to get its laughs the way films like MEET THE SPARTANS, DISASTER MOVIE, EPIC MOVIE, DATE MOVIE, and all of those other terrible movies that end in MOVIE do. On a certain level, Fired Up certainly has fun with the cheerleader movie format. Specifically, it's a send-up of BRING IT ON; hell, there is even a scene in which all of the cheerleaders at a three-week cheerleading camp watch BRING IT ON with the earnestness that many of us would watch THE GODFATHER. That scene at least made me laugh. Let me rephrase that: that's the only scene is this movie that made me laugh. Featuring a collection of largely supporting actors from other, better movies and/or television shows, FIRED UP suffers from R-rated envy. This is a PG-13 film that is desperate to explode into a string of vulgarities the likes of which the world has rarely seen. Alas, we are stuck with weak innuendo, bad jokes, and flirtations that never result in copious amounts of skin. What's worse, the actors seem almost embarrassed to be holding back, and there's this weird vibe running through the movie that wants us to think it's dirtier than it is. This film is tame shit. I genuinely believe the film's stars, Nicholas D'Agosto (who had a run on "Heroes" first season) and Eric Christian Olsen (BEERFEST, DUMB AND DUMBERER) would make a great comedy team. They have a great chemistry and necessary rapport to make these two horny football players funny and endearing in their tasteless behavior. But with their balls cut off, the pairing is wasted. The story involves two high school football stars who are heading off to football camp, which disturbs them to no end because they will be without girls for three weeks. When they hear about the cheerleading camp featuring hundreds of girls, they decide that cheerleading is for them. On their journey, they learn to respect women and take pride in the routines they've worked out with their cheermates. Nobody else in the cast really stands out in FIRED UP, but I will give credit to Adhir Kalyan ("Aliens In America," "Nip/Tuck") as Brewster, the gay Middle Eastern cheerleader. His performance often delves into the worst kind of stereotyping, but the guy never stops trying to make us laugh at his ridiculous behavior. I can't remember the last time an actor worked so hard in a lame movie. (Technically speaking, he's the biggest star in this movie since he's also featured in PAUL BLART: MALL COP.) Also on hand in forgettable roles is DISTURBIA's Sarah Roemer as the cheerleader captain; Molly Sims and John Michael Higgins as the husband-and-wife team who run the camp; Philip Baker Hall as the boys' football coach; and "90210's" AnnaLynne McCord as the captain of the evil cheerleading team. I've probably spent way more time analyzing this movie than the screenwriters spent writing it. It ain't that deep, in case you hadn't guessed, and that's a shame because just a little more effort and a nudge into R-rated territory might have molded FIRED UP into something worth watching. It probably still would have sucked, but there might at least have been a handful of tasteless jokes to savor. FIRED UP is like watching a porno, where the filmmakers don't show any body part below the shoulders and the cast can't say the F-word. What's the point of making a film about horny high schoolers if things can't get a little raunchy? -- Capone

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