It seems our Mountain Dew of Evil Geniuses has run into his Sprite. That's right, that Lemon Lime, Harry Lime of evil bastards seems to wanting to take a poke at our resident evil genius. Hmmmm... All I can say is this. This other Harry just better watch out... Last I heard them darkened alleys he's ducking in and out of has Moriarty's latest mutation... NRG rats... They're evil little critters with a mangy matted look about em... But they've been cybernetically altered like that Dolphin in JOHNNY MNEUMONIC... Be afraid Lime. Be very afraid.
Hey, Head Geek...
"Moriarty" here.
This morning, I went outside to get the paper, and I slipped in what I later realized was a puddle of general henchman goo. You see, one of the little mutant buggers was lying on the steps, dead, with several sheets of paper pinned to his chest.
I retrieved the note, which consisted of tightly cramped handwriting, obviously written on the run. I'm just going to pass it along to you verbatim to do with as you please.
Know this, though, Lime... those henchmen ain't cheap. You owe me, bastard.
THE HAUNTING
a review by Harry Lime
It's amazing how easy it is to convince a total stranger that something is true when in reality it's an absolute fabrication. You could say that deception is the main reason most of the fortunes in life simply fall into my lap. It's a trick I've learned so well that it's like second nature now. In fact, just the other night I was lurking in the shadows of a side street just off of Sunset (don't ask me why) when a woman with crazed eyes and frantic smile jumped out at me and asked if I was press.
I looked her dead in the eye and confidently responded, "But of course I am, you hideous beast." She then lead me into a room with a bunch of people waiting to see the new DreamWorks film, THE HAUNTING, based on the novel by the late Shirley Jackson. I enjoyed the first movie adaption, the 1963 film by Robert Wise staring Julie Harris and Russ Tamblin, and the police were looking for me, so getting off the streets was a good idea. I decided to stay.
To start, I have to admit that I'm not a fan of Jan De Bont when he's directing. As a cinematographer he's more than proven himself capable... DIE HARD and THE HUNT FOR RED OCTOBER are both staggering photographic achievements. No argument. At some point, though, somebody put the idea in his head that he should move into directing. Maybe it was the lure of more money or possibly the fantasy that he might somehow be the next Kubrick. Whatever the reason, it was a giant mistake. His first outing, the 1994 action flick SPEED, had decent chemistry and was for the most part an enjoyable way to spend two hours and eight bucks. Don't get me wrong, it's no CITIZEN KANE, but compared to his next two films, TWISTER and SPEED 2: CRUISE CONTROL, it's a work of absolute brilliance.
When I first saw the teaser for THE HAUNTING (I think it was in front of Gus Van Sant's PSYCHO), I thought, "Hmm... this could be interesting." But then I thought, "No, wait. This is Jan De Bont. He's gonna find some excuse to screw it up. I know it!" As it turns out, the film isn't as bad as it could have been. Still, you have to marvel at this man's ability to suck nearly all the possibility and promise out of a project.
Liam Neeson may be the "star," but the film really belongs to Lili Taylor. She plays Eleanor, a woman plagued with insomnia who just lost her mother. She responds to a newspaper ad looking for test subjects for insomnia research. In reality, the research is on fear and is to be conducted at the haunted Hill House. Dr. Marrow, played by Neeson, decides to keep this truth from his subjects to keep the experiment "pure" and the results real. Lili does the best she can with the role she's been given. There's not a lot there and in the hands of a less gifted actress would have been painful. Liam does his job competently, but never seems to give it 100%. He struts into the picture like he owns the place, barely even glancing at the synthespians that terrorize the mansion. He tells the legend of Hill House to the others to spook them then goes off and talks into a tape recorder like all great movie scientists. He does have one great bizarre moment, though, in which he rants at Catherine Zeta-Jones about why he's obsessed with fear. Check it out... you can't miss it.
The other two test subjects are Catherine Zeta-Jones, who plays a unrelenting bisexual, and Owen Wilson, who plays Owen Wilson. Actually, if I had to elect an MVP of the film (aside from Taylor, who is very good), I guess it would have to be Owen. This guy is a movie star waiting to happen, while Catherine is easy on the eyes and doesn't embarrass herself. These two spend most of the film wierded out by Eleanor's strange fascination and connection with the house. The biggest missed oppotunity in the film is the casting of Todd Field for just a two-minute role. Seriously, if you blink you'll miss him. If you don't know who Todd Field is, you should. He's Nick Nightengale in EYES WIDE SHUT and does awesome work in a great little film called BROKEN VESSELS.
Overall the film feels like an feature length effects reel. There's no real weight here, especially at the climax of the film where it really feels missing, but if you're not looking for a heavy moviegoing experience, you probably won't be too disappointed. It's got a few nice scares thanks to the magnificent sound design and the sets are incredible. It's not Jan De Bont's worst film, but I realize that's not saying much. If the script had been better, though, it would have made De Bont look a lot better.
If anyone in publicity at DreamWorks wishes to blurb a quote from my review for their newspaper ads, I recommend the following: "[Neeson] talks into a tape recorder like all great movie scientists... Catherine [Zeta-Jones] is easy on the eyes... not Jan De Bont's worst film!"
Well, I think I've overstayed my welcome. I can hear the wail of police sirens outside. For a man who is supposed to be dead, I'm sure keeping them busy. Do me a favor... keep this little conversation of ours to yourself, okay? And the next time you pass a darkened doorway or mouth of an alley, don't be surprised if I'm there in the shadows...
It's been fun, but I gotta run.
Harry Lime
