Harry Asks MY BLOODY VALENTINE 3D To Be Mine!!!

Sometimes, Massawyrm has not so much a stick up his ass, as much as that log that King Kong tossed into that chasm. I'm not sure exactly who kicked him in the balls and shat in his mouth before the screening of MY BLOODY VALENTINE 3D took place at BUTT-NUMB-A-THON X, but his review reeks of the shit and nut pain that he seems to have placed onto MY BLOODY VALENTINE 3D. First, let's just put his completely missing the point of the film review out of our minds. Now, I'm not saying that Massa is a worthless film reviewer, he isn't. In fact we agree often, but sometimes... as with all people that have opinions on film, his head is so up in his own shit that he thinks he's a Colonel, when he's just seeing the kernals floating in his own colon. That said, I say this only because he's a dear friend that lives 2 blocks from me and we've been arguing like this ever since BUTT-NUMB-A-THON. MY BLOODY VALENTINE 3D isn't a REALISTIC HORROR FILM. If that's what you want. A horror film that brilliantly creates mood, conveys nuanced characters and an overwhelming feeling of dread, well this isn't that TYPE of horror film. I love that type of Horror. But films like CURSE OF THE DEMON, the original AMITYVILLE HORROR and the absolutely brilliant EXORCIST are few and far between. However, there are Horror films of exquisite joy and fun. Horror films that cause your significant other to jump and clutch your arm, leg or whole body. Films that cause the gals to squeal and in the realm of 3D to block the blood from landing on their clothes... cuz those stains are a fucking bitch to get out. Horror film that has the best NUDE CHICK scene that I've seen in a horror film, maybe ever, takes place in OUTSTANDING 3D. A film with beautifully dimensional cratered out bodies are jaw-dropping and where you may find yourself inexplicably talking to yourself because you just can not believe how good the 3D looks. Never mind the fact that this is a CHEESY HORROR FILM REMAKE of a CHEESY HORROR FILM. The gore here is far superior. They do a couple of the same gags from the original film, only far better accomplished. The opening sequence was a revelation - and completely counter to the type of 3D that we'd been watching. This wasn't so much a window into a world, as much a window OUT of that world... meaning shit will come at you. Body parts, tits, blood, viscera, etc. The beams of light from the work helmets and the dark of the mines and the depth of field were outstanding. The early hospital massacre was stunning to behold. As the great Atkins is surveying the horror that Harry has unleashed, you just sort of gasp at the 3D. Ordinary cadvers that in a regular horror film would elicit a "COOL" suddenly elicit a "HOLY FUCK!" How's the story? Well, it's basically your run of the mill Slasher Film story. It's more convoluted than the original, less straight forward, but adequate. Would I have preferred the more subtle direction of a 1970's John Carpenter - with a lower body count and a more atmospheric and brilliant film? Actually, no. That isn't this film. This film is a HAUNTED HOUSE ROLLER COASTER of a horror film. It has its heart set on killing just about every thing with legs. Another title could have been 101 WAYS TO DIE VIA PICK-AXE, and man... doesn't that sound like great 3D fun? The two younger male leads are annoying, but purposefully so. You're not supposed to care or focus on them. Instead, your sights should be focused upon Jaime King, Megan Boone and Betsy Rue... and your Horror Actor Man Crush will fall squarely upon Tom Atkins, who steals the movie... when Betsy Rue is stomping all over the screen full frontal with a gun in 3D! But more on Betsy Rue's HORROR STAR MAKING BRILLIANCE LATER... Let's talk TOM ATKINS. You may remember Tom Atkins' Nick Castle from Carpenter's THE FOG. He's the guy that picked up a hitchhiking Jamie Lee Curtis, only to bed her... fairly instantly. Ever since that moment, Tom Atkins has been my hero. He's GREAT in the original THE FOG. I liked his Sgt in THE NINTH CONFIGURATION, his small part in ESCAPE FROM NEW YORK, his assholey Stan from CREEPSHOW's framing sequences, his Dr. Dan from HALLOWEEN 3: SEASON OF THE WITCH, his awesome detective from NIGHT OF THE CREEPS and his righteous detective from Lustig's MANIAC COP. He's been missing from the scene for just long enough for me to miss the fuck out of the guy. And right from the opening sequence, when he plays the sheriff investigating the period-era original crime... MAN OH MAN... They've made him look younger, and dude... it's like there's a missing part of 80's horror history playing out right before your very poked eyes. And not only does Tom Atkins look better than ever, but the fucker is standing there in glorious 3D! Now I can understand not hoping on the Tom Atkins nostalgia bandwagon and appreciating his fantastic turn in MY BLOODY VALENTINE 3D... if... say... you came to a 3D HORROR FILM wanting something that this movie never advertised or purported to be. All this film wants to do is make an audience jump, scream, cheer and clap. And at BUTT-NUMB-A-THON X, that's exactly what happened. Now... Let's discuss Ms. Betsy Rue. I don't know Betsy Rue in the real world. I've seen every inch of her body in 3D, I've seen her fuck in multiple positions in 3D, I've seen her pissed as hell stomping after her man with a gun naked into a Hotel parking lot... in the best stomping angry naked scene since Julianne Moore in Robert Altman's SHORT CUTS... and while the speech and acting was better in that film... the body, the context and the fact it was in 3D makes this one better. But the scene doesn't end there... oh no. It continues for quite some time, THANK GOD! So long, so bare, so delicious that the very first question that the director had to answer at BNAT X was about the rating and whether or not half of this on-going titillatingly awesome stalking chase and torment a beautiful naked lady in 3D that just refused to end. From what we hear, Ms Betsy Rue could not be convinced to put clothes on. And thus every last single horror geek that sees this movie will be going on and on about lil Ms Betsy Rue and that midget, those bed springs and the rest of the insane, amazing antics that her jaw-dropping and crotch raising sequence added to MY BLOODY VALENTINE 3D. In addition, the film was shot in Kittanning, Pennsylvania - which was last exploited by a horror film which is completely different, but equally beloved by me... THE MOTHMAN PROPHECIES. The town has a great atmosphere - and the use of actual mines to shoot in with the newest - and cheapest, 3D camera yet. Oakley's 3D RED system, which folks... I'm here to tell you, the 3D it produced was absolutely breathtaking. MY BLOODY VALENTINE 3D isn't a great film. It isn't great cinema, but ya know what... it sure as hell is a great time. Days after BNAT X, I had a couple from Vancouver that we met for BBQ at the SALT LICK - and the guy told us that he'd read about one's girlfriend clutching your arm tightly... of burying her head in your shoulder, but that he'd never experienced that before MY BLOODY VALENTINE 3D. Sure, his girlfriend was a sheltered girl that hadn't really had a proper Horror film cherry pop till that night, but sitting to my right was a line of girls squealing and screaming properly. And afterwards I was just so thrilled. In advance, I wasn't thrilled about playing MY BLOODY VALENTINE 3D. It wasn't the title from Lionsgate that I was going after, but ya know what? When they pushed it, I asked them repeatedly... is it any good? The director doesn't have a very strong track record, but after this film - he's at least directed one film right on target. This is way more fun than it had any right to be. A film that basically everyone on staff at AICN had a blast with. And if you like FUN Horror films, prepare to have a lot of fun. The only real statement of Massawyrm's that I can agree with is this... SEEK THIS FILM OUT IN 3D. Seriously. It makes an ok horror film and unforgettably wonderful experience.