Here we have the last two POSTMAN reviews that will run before I get a chance to, sometime around Christmas. The first is a positive, and well... the second came from... Hallenbeck. But before we get to that madman, we have this review from Joan Blondell...
The first reviewer was completely unfair. Kevin Costner was gracious and humble and thanked people for coming out in the rain. He even stayed behind afterwards and greeted people. And like your second reviewer noted, it was a press/industry screening not a test one. They rarely hold test screenings on a studio lot.
THE POSTMAN was a very good movie, I really loved it. Yes it was too long, but it had a wonderful story and was beautifully shot. I was with three other people (2 guys, 2 girls - the female vote was stronger but the guys liked it as well). NOTE - a very special small role played by Kevin Costner's daughter.
Your first reviewer is merely being cynical and jumping on the "Let's hate Kevin Costner because his movies are so long and expensive" bandwagon.
Kevin makes no excuses for the length of his film and he shouldn't. He made it. It was his baby. He shouldn't have to apologize, sure the man made Waterworld, but he also made Dances WIth Wolves and has acted in JFK, Field of Dreams and other remarkable movies. The yahoo with the negative review should think about what he's really frustrated about.
And now comes the overly modest and constrained Joe Hallenbeck. He is very easy on films, and tends to like everything which is evident by most every review he writes. He obviously grew up in a world of yellow moons and purple horseshoes, where everyday was a holiday, and 101 trombones marched down the street. And the harshest drink he has (and only on thursdays) is sasparilla. The man is an animal and watch out for his harsh "garsh's" and "golly's" ...
I feel like Job. I feel as if the Movie Gods are punishing me and my fellow Movie Geek by allowing Hollywood to produce the most dispicable excuses for films to make it onto the Silver Screen since...well...last year! First, I saw Hard Rain...then I slept through QT's latest opus Jackie Brown...NOW, the Movie God's have punished me by allowing moi to attend the World Premiere of The Postman. Why, Oh why, are they doing this? Have they no decency? I'm a strong human being, but I don't know how much more I can take.
Mind..being turned into...mush. Must...let people know how...bad...Postman is. Must...make Kevin weep like little girl... Must...see good movie...to regain strength.
(Two hours pass. I get a dose of Scream 2).
Alright, kiddies...I'm back and rarin' to go. That shot of Scream 2 put my faith back in Hollywood(although not as much as I wanted). I think I have enough energy in my system to make it through this review.
The Mighty Joe Hallenbeck here with yet another warm-spirited review. As mentioned before, I had the fortunate oppurtunity to take a gander at Costner's latest, The Postman. When I say fortunate, I mean I was fortunate that I didn't have to pay for this magnum opus. First off, I want to say that I'm a big fan of Costner's. As a matter of fact, 3 of his movies are amongst my all time faves(Dances with Wolves, Silverado, and Field of Dreams). Many people out there absolutely hate the man, but there is no denying that he's made some great movies(Bull Durham, Untouchables) and some horrendous POS's(Wyatt Earp, Robin Hood, and Waterworld...all three, of which, I happened to enjoy). Where does The Postman fall into his long list of films...as a fan of his and as a Movie Lover I'm ashamed to say it scrapes at the bottom of the barrel...right below Sizzle Beach, USA and Revenge. However, as horrendous as this film is I can say proudly that I enjoyed the hell out of it. It's the PERFECT MST3K movie. I haven't laughed this hard since I saw Daylight. This is one funny, FUNNY movie. Come Thursday Morn, when the Golden Globe Noms are anounced, be sure to chalk up a nom for this puppy in the Best Comedy Slot.
The Plot - I read the script and it pretty much rocked. A bit corny at times, but has a likable lead and some kick ass action. Unfortunately, Mr. Costner got it into his head that he was a screenwriter and decided to rewrite the whole damn thing. It was as if I was talking in tongues as I was explaining the plot of the final product to my friends who have also read the script. They had the look of utter confusion plastered on their faces as I went into great detail about the movie. From the trailer it looks as if this is just another Waterworld on land, but in fact it plays out more along the lines of the 3 Amigos(an actor comes into town. The people think he's a savior, when, in fact, he's just a con man. The neighborhood bully starts making a fuss and drives the Postman away. The actor, against his will, takes the rank of General and attempts to lead the people to victory against the tyrant). It's cliched, but cool. It could've been a Braveheart meets Dances with Wolves meets Road Warrior meets Lawrence of Arabia kind of film, but it's not...(and to you kids out there who've never heard of or seen Lawrence...do yourself the favor and rent it. It might educate your Tarantino-MTV-David Fincher worshiping minds). This is rather unfortunate because the ingredients are there, it's just that the baker fucked it up.
The Director - How is it possible for a man to go from directing a masterpiece like Dances with Wolves to directing an embarassing film like the Postman? Here's my theory: Unlike Dances, Kevin had complete control over the film. His head is so swollen that any suggestion anyone made concerning the direction of the film couldn't even enter his ears because there was no room inside his cranium. 'Tis a shame too, because he had something here. The main problem with his direction of the film is that he didn't understand the material. The script called for a sarcastic, tongue in cheek approach that is absent in the final product. You've all seen the trailer. We've all laughed at how corny and down right cheesy(I had to get that in) it is. Picture that trailer and expand it by a nearly 3 hour running time. It's truly are great thing to watch with a kick ass audience. I can imagine watching this with a college crowd in Westwood or Hollywood. It's a great audience participation movie. It might become the next Rocky Horror Picture Show. That's how much fun it is to watch. To hear a little girl start a chorus of America, the Beautiful or to see Costner ride a horse and grab a letter from a small boy in slow motion is priceless. I made my knuckle bleed because I bit it so much trying to stiffle my laughter. At the end of the film I couldn't control myself and I had to laugh out loud. Unlike Jackie Brown, this is actually a fun BAD movie to sit through...especially drunk!
The Writing - I won't bash Roth and Helgeland for this movie because I doubt any of their script was used in this "Version" of the Postman. I have too much respect for them.
The Music - One of two things that was truly outstanding about this flick. James Newton Howard's lush, sweeping score is truly breathtaking. Unfortunately, it has the bad luck being associated with this movie. It'll rank right up there with Brainstorm, King's Solomon's Mines, and Hoffa as great scores to terrible movies. I smell an Oscar.
The Cinematography - The 2nd outstanding aspect of this film. The DP on this pic really worked his ass off putting some beautifull images on the screen. It's like DiVinci painting on a McDonald's Happy Meal Box. It's unfortunate these beautiful vistas had to be in this lame ass movie.
The Acting - Not even worth mentioning. Because they had a Director who had his head up his ass, all of them took their roles waaayyyy too seriously.
The Climax - What climax? You know that scene in the trailer where you have the soldiers and the rebels riding full speed ahead toward each other? It looks reminiscent of Braveheart, right? Guess what...it ain't nothing like Mel's violent masterpiece. The climax gives new meaning to the word lame. Lame is too kind of a word to describe how utterly disappointing and down-right absurd the climax is. I'm surprised Rodney King didn't make an appearance at the end to make a plea.
I can go on and on about how utterly ridiculous this pathetic excuse of an epic is. I can give you detailed accounts on laughably bad scenes. I can recite inane dialogue for you, but I won't(BTW, that "What is a Postman" Speech didn't make the final cut). I will not ruin for you what is bound to give you and yours tons of laughs this holiday season.
My quote for the Movie: "The funniest, goddamn Movie of the year! Movie over Woody and John, here comes Kevin...A NEW NAME IN COMEDY!"
T.T.F.N.,
Joe Hallenbeck
