BEVERLY HILLS CHIHUAHUA is "Like History Written with Tapatio"!!

Beaks here... Right as I sat down to intro this reader review of BEVERLY HILLS CHIHUAHUA, an earthquake measuring 5.8 on the Richter scale knocked my Harvey Pekar bobblehead onto the keyboard of my laptop. I knew there were forces beyond our comprehension at work on this movie. If California disappears into the Pacific when I post this review, please tell Robert Smigel to send those long lost Ronald Reagan bits from LATE NIGHT WITH CONAN O'BRIEN to my mother in Ohio. Good luck making sense of this shit. I'm gonna walk outside to chat with Kevin Kline and Mary McDonnell.

Long time AICN reader/lurker… first time contributor, if you choose to use this, please call me ‘Justin Tyme’ I just returned from the 7:45pm test screening (2nd of the day) for Beverly Hills Chihuahua, the new Walt Disney Pictures film originally slated for a September 26th release, now pushed to October 3rd, and let me tell you – the extra week is NOT enough time for them to save this movie. Saw this on the Walt Disney Studios/ABC lot in the amazing Frank G. Wells building (anyone who’s been there knows how amazing it is to walk by the multi-plane camera used in Disney’s Snow White and the Seven Dwarves). There were about 90 of us in this focus group. I’ll just say that they took a pause before starting to let us know that we’d be watching an ‘unfinished’ version of the film, with unfinished background, effects, etc. They were right. A quick run-down of this film for those of you who might’ve seen the teaser trailer in front of Wall-E (This one: https://youtube.com/watch?v=K7tleFb6TlI ) – this movie has NOTHING TO DO WITH THAT TEASER. In fact, that musical number ‘I, Chihuahua’ does not exist in the cut we saw at all. Unfortunately for us, the temple scene and the hundreds (thousands?) of Chihuahuas DID. Here’s the story that you’ll be seeing (at least most of it) when it hits theaters on October 3rd: Chloe (voiced by the amazing Drew Barrymore) is a pampered Beverly Hills Chihuahua (yes the one from the film’s title), owned by Vivian (played by a totally miscast Jaime Lee Curtis, who must have been using up the last of her 3 picture Disney-deal) who is a fashion magnate. When Viv is called away to Milan, she decides to put her irresponsible niece Rachel (the Coyote Ugly’s Piper Perabo) in charge of her beloved pup. When not dissing the ‘gardener’ Sam and his run-of-the-mill Chihuahua Papi (voiced by a hysterical one-lining George Lopez) Rachel decides that instead of watching her stupidly rich Auntie’s house in B.H., she’d run off with two of her equally ditzy friends (and her Aunt’s dog) to Mexico. Well, once they cross the border (movie’s original title: South Of The Border) it only gets worse. Rachel and her buds decide to go off gallivanting with some hot very un-Mexican looking dudes to dance, and leave a pissed off Chloe alone in the hotel room. Oh that’s right kiddos – in case you hadn’t figured it out yet – this is a talking animal flick to the highest degree – they ALL talk, and luckily MOST of them are funny. Chloe decides to go out and find Rachel on her own, and in doing so gets dog-napped by some unsavory (as in Disney kid-safe unsavory) dog fighters. She’s penned up with a bunch of funny comic-relief dogs, including a German Sheppard named Delgado (played by the talented Andy Garcia) who while annoyed by ‘Princessa’ takes a liking to her when she’s pitted in the ring against a killer Doberman with whom he has a past. Delgado decides to save her from a certain death (something we see him do time and time again throughout), and in the process releases all the other captured dogs – hilarity ensues as they break free and run through a crowded Mexican square, scattering to the four corners of the Earth (or at least Mexico). Meanwhile Rachel ditches her two questionable friends and goes off to look for her Aunt’s dog. Perhaps she DOES have a conscience after all? The dog-nappers are also on Chloe’s tail (no pun intended – ok it was!) because she was sporting a Harry and Winston diamond collar and the creeps want it, or want the ransom attached to it. They sick the evil Doberman Diablo (now equipped with a GPS device) to track her down in the Mexican wilderness (?). Oh, and guess who else turns up in Mexico looking for Chloe? Sam and Papi – yes, since Papi is in love with Chloe, and since Sam’s trying to do the right thing they go to Mexico too… hey, why not, it’s easy to cross the border these days, no? Ok, so now we have more Diablo chasing Chloe, Delgado rescuing Chloe; Rachel, Sam and Papi (and two homeless dogs they’ve picked up along the way in Mexico) just missing Chloe and Delgado, a comedy-relief Rat and Iguana stealing (conning?) Chloe’s diamond necklace away from her, etc. etc. Oh, and then it gets a little weirder from there – while the friendship between Chloe and Delgado is touching, we learn that Delgado was a police dog who’s lost his smell (we find out why later)… and then after stowing away on a Coyote train car, and jumping off said car, they are cornered by mountain lions… well, it looks like the end for our hero and heroine… there are THREE mountain lions versus one German Sheppard who can’t smell, and a tiny pampered Chihuahua…. UNTIL – they’re saved by a … drum roll please … gang of roving Chihuahuas who scare the shit out of the mountain lions, making them run off and cry like kitties… The bizarre saviors take Chloe and Delgado back to their home – the ancient Aztec temple we saw a nicer version of in the original teaser trailer. Except now it’s inhabited by much less colorful (read – not wearing Aztec headdresses, etc.) dogs, who welcome Chloe and her friend, and try to convince her that they all don’t shake because they’re scared, they shake because they’re PROUD…. Hmmmm.. Anyway, led by their ‘chief’ (we assume he is…?) Montezuma (call me ‘Monty’), the dogs are seen for one major scene, then basically say goodbye to the two in the next scene.. it’s VERY out of place and bizarre… and to be honest feels like it’s from another version of a movie that isn’t getting made… not unlike the teaser. In the teaser it focuses on Papi… Chloe just winks and looks cute in sunglasses and hat and says nothing… even the poster features Papi… HE’S a secondary character in this movie – CHLOE is the main character… so it feels like they started with another idea, and shifted… there’s a new trailer up at: http://http.vitalstreamcdn.com/bvimflash_vitalstream_com/BeverlyHillsChihuahua/Trailer4/BHC_Trl4_480.mov which shows a better feel for the current storyline, etc. and only uses a piece here and there from the original teaser. SO – the one main thing this movie hurts a lot from is being predictable. Stereotypically predictable. In both characters and storyline. I’m sorry, but one of the Mexican gals on our panel said “I think it presented Mexicans in a positive light” – hmm, let’s see – the three sexy gringas enter Mexico, see lots of hot Mexican guys with surfboards, people making tamales on the side of the road, dog fighting, Day Of The Dead, etc. – Nope not too stereotypical for me. Gonzo and Kermit could have popped out, broken into song and then it could’ve been the Muppets Go To Mexico (With Talking Dogs). I’ll say this: The writing was very funny. The animal actors were VERY good. The voice actors were very good. The animation/CGI was good. But the characters and story not so much. Let’s put it this way – the bad guys get caught in the end, Chloe loves Papi, hot niece gets hot gardener, Aunt Viv gets her precious dog back, and Delgado becomes a police dog again – all very predictable. Nice. Fun to watch. But predictable. Ok, you may say – it’s a kid’s movie – lighten up! I say if it is take it this way: It’s the Simpsons for the dog set – the younger kids will laugh at the talking animals doing funny stuff, while the adults will laugh at the innuendos and one-liners. It’s also about 20 to 30 minutes too long in its current state for anyone under 5 to sit still through. Plus, while the soundtrack was great, the musical piece in the teaser made my son excited to see the movie – there isn’t any dog/cat/rat/mountain lion singing or dancing in this movie – and that might disappoint a lot of kids who were looking forward to it having seen the teaser. I’d give it a 5 out of 10 – they’d have to tighten it up a lot more before October to get a better rating from me. Until then it’s a straight-to-DVD release. If you use this call me Justin Tyme.