Well, Robogeek in one of his recent product testing missions decided to take a look at that cool as hell animated character.... TARZAN that Disney is coming out with this Summer. What's he think about it? Well, look and see.
ROBOGEEK TACKLES THE TROUBLE WITH "TARZAN" -- AND TOUTS TREATMENT!
During a recent trip to the West Coast branch of the Banzai Institute, I was treated to my own private work-in-progress test screening of Disney's forthcoming animated feature "Tarzan," due in theaters June 18. It sort of happened by accident.
See, after watching the beguiling Justine Shapiro on "Lonely Planet" one afternoon, I headed down the hall to a Hong Kong Cavaliers rehearsal and sat in on drums. During the ice cream social which followed, I started chatting film with Perfect Tommy and Reno Nevada. Upon hearing us talk about "Princess Mononoke," Scooter joined us and said, "You know, that 'Tarzan' trailer sure looks cool. Think the movie will be as good as it looks?"
Reno exchanged a brief look with Perfect Tommy, handed me his Q-Phone, and said, "Let's find out."
Taking the hint, I called up Sir Etch-a-Sketch, and we scheduled an impromptu rendezvous. After late night doughnuts, we embarked stealthily into the night, to the Disney Dominion. The whole place was quiet as a tomb, which made the Mouse House all the more creepy. Sinister, even.
Sketchy, as I call him, first treated us to a rough assembly of the _original_ opening sequence to "Tarzan," which you will probably never see. Basically, during a storm, we witness the baby Tarzan's parents slaughtered in their jungle tree house by... well, I shouldn't really give that away. Mainly we _hear_ the horrifying action, which we only catch terrifying glimpses of, illuminated by flashes of lightning once the candle is blown out. The sequence is extremely dramatic and evocative, but would have probably killed any chance of the film getting a "G" rating. Still, someday it'd be great to have on a collector's edition DVD (hint-hint).
Then we got to see "Tarzan" in its entirety, though the print we saw was a rough work-in-progress -- a mix of finished animation, pencil animation, and storyboards, with completed dialogue but partial sound mix and temp track. It was by no means the most current version of the film; since we put Sketchy on the spot with our unnanounced request to take a peek at the film, it was the best he could do on such short notice, but it was good enough.
[NOTE: Given the state of the film I saw, this is not going to be a formal review; that will wait until I see the completed release version. Instead, this will be is a reflection on my primary impressions.]
"Tarzan" is a damn good movie that's within reach of being a truly great film. It's the perfect example of what bugs the hell out of me with Disney.
Let's get right to it. First off, let me just say that I like Rosie O'Donnell. In fact, I like her a lot. I watch her show regularly (George Lucas guests Wednesday). I admire and respect her, particularly for her work on behalf of children, for breast cancer awareness, and for her enthusiastic ambassadorship of Broadway theater. I consider myself a fan.
And while I don't quite have as high a level of respect and admiration for her acting abilities (though she did a damn fine job on "Ally McBeal" last week), I find her singing, well, terrifying. In fact, whenever she starts singing on her show, I find myself reflexively changing the channel, and then popping back to see if the coast is clear.
Simply put, Rosie O'Donnell should not be in "Tarzan." It's a case of "one of these things is not like the other"; she sticks out like a sore thumb. I tried really, really hard to like her work in the film, but it just doesn't fit. If I could wave a magic wand, I would summarily remove any and all trace of her and her buffoonish character from an otherwise great film. (I'd lose the annoying pink elephant, too.)
Here's my thing: when those two characters are _not_ on screen, "Tarzan" is truly great filmmaking, and exhibits the charateristics of a timeless classic. This could have been the definitive "Tarzan" film, and one of the greatest pulp adventure films of all time. It's that good.
But then Rosie starts yakking in a profoundly out-of-place New York accent, and just goes on and on. Or worse, starts singing. A Dorothy Parker poem comes to mind. The one that starts "If I had a shiny gun..." Yep.
Granted, I understand the commercial interests at work that put Rosie in this film. The demographic she and her show appeal to are exactly the sort of audience Disney wants to court. (In fact, I almost had a heart attack the other day when I saw the first TV spot, which almost exclusively featured her character in some of the worst moments of the film.) But that audience would be attracted to this movie _anyway_, and be rewarded by an infinitely greater film if she were absent from it. As it is, the film is not great, but rather frequently grating.
This is a far worse crime than the Eddie Murphy character in "Mulan" or the Gilbert Gottfried parrot in "Aladdin," simply because as out-of-place, annoying and jarring their presence was to the tone and context of those films, the films themselves weren't robbed of greatness. For instance, "Mulan" could probably only have been truly _great_ had a.) Mushu been cut _and_ b.) all the pointless musical numbers had been cut as well, which would have yielded a fantastic 30-minute short film. But I digress...
In the case of "Tarzan," however, we are taken to the brink of a true animated epic. In fact, I _wish_ Disney would have had the guts to go all the way, pull out all the stops, and made "Tarzan" an animated "Lawrence of Arabia" (including the story of his travels to England, and subsequent return to the jungle). It would have been _awesome_. Still, I'd more than settle for Disney to make just a handful of changes before they release it, though I know that's probably not going to happen.
What continues to confound me is Disney's weird case of cognitive dissonance. Look no further than the "teaser" trailers for the films, and then compare them to the film themselves. They know how what movies people _want_ to see, but don't have the nerve to deliver them. Ask yourself, which movie would I rather see -- the one that first trailer promised, or the one these new TV spots are delivering? Uh-huh. I thought so.
Some of you may think ol' Robo's a stick-in-the-mud party pooper. "Lighten up, Robo, it's a kiddie cartoon!" WHY? Have you READ Burroughs' original "Tarzan" stories? They ain't for kids! They're pretty hard-core! Tarzan kicks a lot of ass!
Granted, there's plenty to love in this film. Glen Keane's Tarzan (voiced by Tony Goldwin) is one of the coolest animated characters ever designed and executed. It's a fantastic piece of work. But the character who really impressed me was Minnie Driver's performance as Jane, who may prove to ultimately be my favorite animated Disney leading lady to date. She's irresistable, and very funny. Lance Henriksen and Glenn Close each bring impressive depth and humanity to Tarzan's adoptive ape parents, and give really moving, resonant performances. Phil Collins' musical contributions are pretty good as well, his songs serving as Tarzan's interior dialogue.
And, overall, the film is lushly animated, with some wonderful 3D backgrounds used to exhilarating effect as Tarzan swings through the jungle, followed with break-neck speed by a dynamic camera POV. Still, the integration between the traditional hand-drawn animation and the 3D CG isn't quite there; it's not as accomplished as the work done in, say, "Princess Mononoke" (the release of which I'll have an update on soon). But there are some sequences that are absolutely incredible, like Tarzan's battle with... well, you'll know it when you see it. (Though I wish Tarzan actually knew _exactly_ who it was he was fighting in this scene; it would be all the more resonant if he did.)
There are some nitpicks and criticisms here and there. For instance, the fact that the antagonist is named Clayton -- which any Burroughs fan knows is the name of Tarzan's brother. Even more confounding is a sort of mass-personality change that happens to all of Clayton's men in the third act that comes out of nowhere. And we never get to hear "me Tarzan, you Jane." But no matter.
Substantively, there are a few key things that keep this movie from being great -- and they are things that could actually be fixed, to a degree. We all know that it's metaphysically impossible for Disney to remove Rosie from the film at this point, but there are other options, which I hereby humbly submit for consideration by The Powers That Be...
HOW I WOULD CHANGE "TARZAN" IN SIX EASY STEPS
HOW TO MAKE A REALLY GOOD FILM ALMOST GREAT
(WARNING: CONTAINS MAJOR SPOILERS)
STEP ONE -- REDO ROSIE
Since we can't eliminate her from the film altogether, I would bring Rosie back to the recording studio to redo her dialogue (almost all of it) and instruct her to tone it down a notch (or ten). With some astute direction, she could be quite tolerable, and even good. Honestly, in its current state, her work doesn't just keep the film from being great -- it comes close to ruining it for me. Seriously. This one element of the film will keep it from being a timeless classic, and hopelessly dates it. I _wish_ her character design could also be redone, to bring it more in line with the other apes (which are _fantastic_), but I know there's no way. However, there's no reason why Disney can't have her tone down her dialogue (at least some of it), cut her extraneous dialogue, and even reduce her screentime. For example...
STEP TWO -- DROP THE "STOMP" MUSICAL NUMBER
Oh, God, oh, God, OH, GOD!!! This is absolutely one of the worst sequences ever committed to celluloid. Remember how I complained about the "Playing With The Big Boys" number in "The Prince of Egypt"? This is far, _far_ worse. It is horrifyingly dreadful. It absolutely _kills_ the narrative flow dead in its tracks (which, up until this point, is really clicking), and completely jars with the tone of the film.
Besides, if nothing else, the whole "Stomp" gimmick has been done to death -- care to count the commercials? -- and is incredibly passé. This scene is dated before it even hits the screen. Lose it. It has no inherent value, and detracts from the film. Half the audience will flee to the concession stand. (While I was watching it, everyone was _begging_ Sketchy to fast-forward. They absolutely couldn't stand it.)
I can't possibly overstress how awful and downright embarrassing this sequence is. You could easily cut from the beginning of the scene -- when the animals start playing around with items in the camp -- to the aftermath when they're confronted. We don't need to see what's in between to get the gist of what transpired. And you'll save every audience member an enormous amount of needless, unjustified pain, while maintaining the otherwise excellent pacing of the film.
Let me put it more simply, paraphrasing the afore-mentioned Ms. Parker: this is not a scene to be tossed aside lightly -- it should be thrown with great force. If I could do only _one_ thing to the film, this would be it.
STEP THREE -- LOSE THE "PERISCOPE ELEPHANT TRUNK" SCENE
ARGH!!! This scene (and accompanying sonar sound effects) _really_ pissed me off. It's a POV periscope shot through the pink elephant's trunk. ARGH!!! That makes no SENSE! It's too damn CARTOONY! It's incredibly ANNOYING! It's, it's... ARGH!!! What the hell were they THINKING? It's bad enough that we are supposed to believe that the elephant can swim up to the ship and then somehow manage to climb aboard (anyone care to explain how?), but this is, in the words of El Cosmico, "beyond the line." Absolutely intolerable. Cut it. FOR THE LOVE OF GOD!!!
STEP FOUR -- RECOLOR THE PINK (MAGENTA?) ELEPHANT
Okay, this is nitpicky, but let's think about it for a sec. Jane's dad is leading an expedition to study "exotic" gorillas in the wild. But when they come upon a pink elephant, no one bats an eye. Huh? What? Jeez... This is worse than the blue ants in "A Bug's Life."
See, everything in the film _except_ Rosie's character and the pink elephant are designed with consistent realism. But these two characters stand out like sore thumbs because they're so goddammed... cartoony. If I had heat vision, I'd burn them off the screen.
Sure, I know merchandisers will riot if you make the elephant a normal color, but couldn't someone with digital color correction technology at least make it _less_ pink? Please? Pretty please? And while you're at it, trim as much pink elephant stuff as you can. (Refer to Step Three.)
STEP FIVE -- FIX THE ENDING [MAJOR SPOILER!!!]
I _hate_ giving so much away about the film, but it's for the Greater Good -- and there's simply no way around it. Basically, after a touching scene where Jane's father helps her realize she belongs in the jungle with Tarzan -- a scene with depth, humanity, and real emotion -- he then suddenly resolves to also stay behind, out of the blue.
Three problems here: 1.) he has no compelling reason for this decision, which summarily deflates the impact of Jane's; 2.) it serves no constructive narrative purpose, comes out of nowhere, and doesn't even make sense; 3.) it has exceedingly uncool post-film narrative repercussions -- that is to say, how romantic is the idea of Tarzan and Jane in the jungle once they're stuck with... her DAD? That SUCKS! And, to add insult to injury, the end of the film has an offensively _ridiculous_ shot of Jane's dad swinging through the jungle in Fred Flintstone garb. GODDAMN!!! What the hell? Send him on his way back to Merry Ol' England, and leave Tarzan and Jane in secluded romantic bliss. There. A perfect ending. (Actually, I'm praying this has already been changed; what I saw was only animated storyboards, so hopefully the filmmakers came to their senses on this one.)
STEP SIX -- NEVER _EVER_ GIVE AWAY THE DEFINING MOMENT OF THE FILM
I was _so_ worried that the trailer would close with it, and was enormously relieved that it didn't. Save it. Keep it a secret. No one should know. It will _kill_ people. It will be one of greatest, most legendary film moments of all time. Every man who was a boy -- everyone who read Burroughs as a kid and wanted to be Tarzan -- will _die_ when this moment comes. I cried, and I wasn't alone. It's powerful stuff. But it's far more powerful if you keep it a secret, and follow all the previous instructions. (And it'd be even more potent if Rosie's character didn't immediately start yapping after it occurs, which immediately destroys the awesome resonance of the scene.)
BUT ROBO, ISN'T IT TOO LATE TO DO ANY OF THIS?
Not necessarily (although I'm not holding my breath). It's six weeks until "Tarzan" is scheduled for release June 18 -- one month after "The Phantom Menace" opens.
Personally, I would consider pushing "Tarzan"'s release back to the July 4th weekend. The more I hear about "Wild Wild West," the more convinced I am that "Tarzan" could beat it head-to-head -- especially if it underwent even one or two of the changes I outlined above. Sure, the promotional partners and merchandisers would throw a little fit at the delay, but ultimately they'd all be better off.
See, I actually think "Tarzan" will have a better chance of opening at Number One on July 2 then it will on June 19, when "The Phantom Menace" will have only been out for four weeks. I mean, _think_ about it -- this is STAR WARS we're talking about here. It could make half-a-billion domestic by the July 4th weekend on its way to over three billion worldwide when all is said and done.
Does anyone really think any other movie has a chance at the Number One spot at the box office within the first month of "The Phantom Menace" opening?
Just something to think about...
Anyway, after the screening was over, Sketchy got a gleam in his eye and said, "So you want to see something really cool?"
We shook off our slumber and asked, in unison, "Like what?"
He giggled, and soon we were watching four of the five new sequences from "Fantasia 2000" (two complete, two incomplete), the entire opening sequence of "Dinosaur," tantalizing glimpses of "Atlantis," and a horrifying peek at "Llama, Llama" -- er, I mean, "Kingdom of the Sun."
But I'll save that for another report.
- robogeek@aint-it-cool-news.com
P.S.: ROBO-STUFF ON SALE AT EBAY! Want a genuine piece of AICN history? Well, I'm doing some spring cleaning over on eBay this week. Bidding closes today (around 11am PST / 2pm EST) on my PowerBook Duo 2300c and PowerBook DuoDock Plus bundles. (Who knows what secrets still linger on their hard drives?) And bidding has just opened on my Olympus Hi8 camcorder. Visit my Cabana of Capitalism for info on these and future Robo-auctions!
