Alrighty all you glazed doughnuts, (aaaaahhhh.... if only I could eat just one of my precious glazed ones.) Vegetables are my enemy. The cabbage hates me. I want MEAT! T-BONES, RACK OF LAMB RIBS, and Puddy (as Tweety would say). In the meanwhile, between the withdrawls and the cramps, I think about movies like THE MUMMY, which has allowed me to stay away from... Sooooo much sweet puddys, that I damn near started crying this afternoon when I was surrounded by a whole flock of puddys. Dolemite has rotted my brain. Here's someone that didn't like THE MUMMY. Here on AICN thus far I've only received positive reviews, though Dark Horizons has had a couple negs and a middle of the road or two. I tend to trust Moriarty pretty darn far, though his opinion on 2001 is a bit odd. (JUST KIDDING, he loves it like the rest of us.) I see THE MUMMY on Tuesday, with the entire AICN gang of idiots. "D'uh hey Boss, duh, witch wey dud dey goo?" In the meanwhile, we'll try to find the theater, so read this.... This guy is named Prometheus, but remember, I'm sure that the fact that vulture was chewing meat from his flesh while he was attached to that rock had NOTHING WHATSOEVER to do with his review. Be calm.
Harry, you can call me Prometheus. I have never written a review for you before but I was at the same screening that the other spies were at on Wednesday. After reading their reviews I felt this enormous amount of emotion that compelled me to write my own review. I had to let your people know that regardless of what the other reviewers are saying, this is a bad movie. Having this compared to the quality of the Indian Jones films and any of the classic summer films of years past such as ALIENS, and for that matter THE MATRIX, makes me sick to my stomach.
I had seen a 10 minute rough cut trailer of the film a couple of months ago and it gave me the "dumb chills". However, the trailer for the film that is in theaters now looked pretty good, so I was interested to see how the finished film turned out. Well, I was disappointed to say the least.
First and foremost, there is a huge tonal problem with this movie. When I go to see a film, especially a big budgeted summer film, I want to be sucked into that world. I want it to clamp down on me and hold me hostage for 2 hours of air conditioned bliss. I want to live and breathe the film like I did in the Star Wars films, the Terminator films, the Indie films.
This never came close to happening while watching THE MUMMY. The film’s tone is way too over-the-top and broad to create that sort of magic. The acting, the lame stereotypes, the "audience must only have a 3rd grade education" storytelling is belittling to the viewer. No one, and I mean no one, in the audience was laughing during the lame attempts at humor that this tone provided. My buddy and I were literally rolling our eyes, and saying to ourselves, "Are you kidding me?". This is not good. When this happens, I am immediately detached from the film and the magic is gone. Hell, I loved EVIL DEAD II and ARMY OF DARKNESS in all their over-the-top glory, but that was cool and hip filmmaking which THE MUMMY definitely is not.
Not only was the acting way too broad, but there was also no chemistry between the leads. Brendan Fraser is no Harrison Ford and he comes across as somewhat goofy in the role. I will say, however, that he handled the physical aspects of his character quite well and his sword-wielding battle scenes at the end are the best things going for the film. Rachel Weisz, as directed, was ditsy and lame. John Hannah, whom I loved in SLIDING DOORS, was wasted here in a cartoonish role. The other actors played stereotypes and there was nothing interesting about their performances. Every thing was played so on the nose that it left out any real mystery or subtlety to their characters.
The story didn’t work at all either. It was paint-by-the-numbers storytelling which really played down to the audience. Everything was telegraphed a million miles away and they had the characters repeat every bit of the story to make sure the audience got it. Well we did and about 15 minutes before the filmmakers thought we would.
One good thing the film has going for it are the special effects. The opening scene is well done, even though it and several of the other digital backdrops looked a little too cartoonish. The digital mummies at the end are cool, but the direction of the action had a lot to be desired. And by this time, I was thinking about how much my parking was going to cost once I was able to breathe fresh air again. No, don’t be fooled, the summer movie season does not begin with THE MUMMY. Save your money and buy an extra ticket to THE PHANTOM MENACE .
