MR. MAGORIUM'S MAGIC EMPORIUM
Hey everyone. Capone in Chicago here, and I'm going to keep this short.
There isn't a single moment of this film that I didn't hate. No matter how many cheery smiles or magical moments or colorful toys or spirited tots or wacky parents or adults who see that's okay to be a kid inside writer-director Zach Helm (writer of STRANGER THAN FICTION) throws my way, MR. MAGORIUM'S MAGIC EMPORIUM is my newly defined definition of hell.
The first and foremost reason I despised this movie is that Dustin Hoffman's lispy title character isn't even a tiny bit funny or amusing. In fact, his "look at me—I'm craaaazy" performance will actually suck the comedy out of movies in nearby theaters. As adorable as I find Natalie Portman, she limits herself to two expressions here: smiling and looking sad. And poor Jason Bateman. In recent years, the man has reinvented himself as a substantial comic presence. When you see him do such fine work in JUNO later this year, you'll see the culmination of everything he's accomplished up to this point. So who the hell thought it was a good idea to cast him as the straight man to Hoffman's lunatic doofus? There's a child actor in this film that apparently is allowed by his mother to work in the toy store. I was so underwhelmed by his performance, I'm not even going to look up his name. Oh, he has a hat collection, too. I guess that's supposed to indicate he's eccentric and free-thinking. I used to collect Smurfs as a kid; I guess that makes me super special too. Um, you know what? Forget I even mentioned that thing about the Smurfs. They were a gift…I was young…I needed the money…
What is all the more puzzling about the film is that as pea-brained as its plot is, we're never quite sure what we're supposed to be worried about: the store being closed down because it's accounting records are a mess, or the self-proclaimed last day on Earth for Mr. Magorium, who wants to leave the store to Portman? I would have been thrilled if both things had happened, because the prolonged death of an old coot is exactly what kids line up to see in movies today.
I know, I know, picking on this G-rated film clearly aimed at little kids is unfair. Boo hoo, fuck you. A shit movie is a shit movie. At least last week's FRED CLAUS had a couple laughs and a little backbone, even if it did still suck. MR. MAGORIUM'S doesn't even have that. It has the emotional depth and entertainment value of the worst kind of Saturday morning cartoon, and parents risk permanently pushing their children into a life of mediocrity for even mentioning the film's title in their homes. This film makes me wish the writers' strike had started sooner.
Capone
Please don't waste a bullet on suicide, see this movie instead
