To find out when this weekend SISKEL AND EBERT airs, click HERE, then just enter the city listed closest to you, and that's where and when it'll be on!
You know how some times in your life you have a perfect experience. One of those experiences where you approach the day with a tad of trepidation and excitement, a pinch of fear and wobbly knees? But then... Then when the path is taken, you have no more of that... You just do it because... Well, it’s there before you.
I’m not a mountain climber, so I’ll never attempt Everest or the K-2. I’m not a football player so I’ll never get a chance to stop Ricky Williams from scoring the game-winning touchdown. But you know, I am a movie fan, and I just got back from doing SISKEL & EBERT.
This experience... is forever. It’s one of those stories that people will have to endure me telling a thousand times in person. Each time told with a shiny teaspoon of glee in my eyes. As great as any movie experience of my life, this stands right there.... Right there with any memory I’ll have as a cherished life thingee.
I’m gonna take you with me as I tell this story. All of you readers got me where I am, and I’ll be damned if I ain’t gonna take you along with me. I want to see, if I can give you one IOTA of the prickly sensation that I’m feeling just typing this to all of you. You know what happened today? I got to argue with Roger Ebert in the balcony... and as a movie lover, geek and reviewer.... It doesn’t get any better.
Ok, here we go....
I step off the plane, my two bags in hand, only to be met by this rather quiet chap holding a sign saying “H. KNOWLES”, so I tell him that I’m, “H. Knowles” and he leads me through O’Hare to the limo he’s driving me in. I hop into the back seat and I stare forward. I begin to seriously think about why I’m in this Limo. This Limo is going to take me to... Chicago... to be on Siskel and Ebert. I decide to drag out my faithful Digital Camera and take a pic.... The overexposed light gleaming through the windows creating hard shadowy images...
I stare at my feet, thinking about what I’m going to say to Ebert, all the conversations about films I love and hate. Every argument about one of his reviews. Thoughts of spilling over with geekish enthusiasm and the resulting slobber makes me realize... I am going to have to restrain myself. I must remain calm. Ohmmmmmmm.... As if to give realization to my current calming nature I catch a glimpse of a church out the window of the limo... I snap this pic of it.... Why?
Because... for me, this trip is a bit like meeting one’s maker. Ebert is half of a team that first told me on my TV that there was another side of watching movies. That two people could disagree on 4 out of 5 films... But they still had that one. That we all have our ‘ones’, and that’s why we go to the theaters. I learned to define the journeys I took in theaters as ‘out of body experiences’ through their reviews. It is the primary show that I have watched my entire life. Since memory began I remember SISKEL AND EBERT. I remember it used to come on KLRU here in Austin. My day would start with SESAME STREET, then THE ELECTRIC COMPANY, then a fantastic show that I dearly loved called MATINEE AT THE BIJOU, and then those two came on. I don’t know what came on next, cause I always left the room to go get Mom and Dad to take me to the movie that they most excited me about that day. My god... I’m going to be on that show... I’m coming into Chicago.
I meet the producer and head grand poobah of the show at my hotel, The Four Seasons. I check in. I have a message from a fan wishing me the best of luck on the show. The boss-man, Stuart’s his name, and I go up to my room, we’re there to talk the details of the show... What I’m to expect over the next day and a half. My god.... this is real. When we get to my room, he pulls back the curtain, and this...
...is what I saw from the 32nd floor window I had. My god... this is happening. Stuart and I begin talking movies, it’s my warm security blanket, I begin to get excited and confident... I’ve always felt that way once a good movie conversation got going. Stuart and I begin talking about Gene... About what type of guy he was... God I wish I wasn’t here. You know... I wish I had only had a movie I made reviewed on here instead. To get ‘TWO THUMBS DOWN” or “UP” for that matter, is all I’ve ever wanted of this show.
Stuart had to leave to get back to the studio, he says he’ll be back for me at 1300 (Chicago Time) hours, so as I begin to escort him out the door, the phone rings... It’s one of you. In fact it was a fella by the name of Pete Garcia calling me up to wish me well. Stuart leaves, and I talk to Pete for a while. I knew Pete back in college, turns out the ‘other friend’ between us is getting married in a year... Cool.
After the call I just sit there in my room... at my little desk and I stare out the window. Am I ready for this? Do I deserve to be here? How the hell did I con my way into this gig? Then the phone rings, it’s Capone... He wants to get together, so I look over my itinerary and schedule him to meet me after the screenings of ELECTION and SLC PUNK. I figure we’ll go out for din din somewhere with great ‘za pie! Right after that, another call comes in... And they continued right until I left me room at about 1130 hours.
I just begin walking around Chicago. No camera, no particular direction. I’d lean up against a building and just watch the people walk by. I had to get out of my room... I was getting to wound up... cabin fever... I needed to clear my head and calm down. I just sort of walk around downtown, eventually finding my way back to the lobby, awaiting Stuart to take me to the studio. You know.. I can’t remember seeing anything on my walk... Instead I was just gathering myself. I was carrying on an internalized dialogue between myself and the fictional inner Ebert I’ve developed through years of watching that show. I believe that during that walk, I carried on a conversation about all manners of past arguments I had over various films and issues... and listening to what I imagined his retort would be. This was my way of preparing to do what I was going to be doing.
Stuart arrives, we catch a cab... and we arrive at the CBS studio in Chicago... There’s a plaque on the wall as you enter that pays homage to historical fact that the stage I was about to talk films with Roger on... Was in fact the same stage where John F Kennedy and Richard M Nixon had that infamous first debate where Nixon was soooo sweaty and uncharismatic, while ol Jack was smooth and calm and collected.
Great.... History will inevitably repeat itself. I’ll be sweating and pouring from worry. Meanwhile, Roger, the cool and calm veteran of television film commentaries would dance around me tearing me up with jabs here and there. Right?
Knowing this historical event, didn’t help me. Until I thought, “Those that do not learn history are doomed to repeat it!” Well, I knew it... so I had to be in the clear.
I meet the entire Siskel and Ebert staff, the director of the show and the TELEPROMPTER and the STAGE.
I didn’t have my camera with me, so let me paint this for ya. When I first enter the office area, I see all these HAPPY NEW YEAR cards that feature Gene’s two daughters and son... for years... I read the letter that the voice of Ferdinand the Goose wrote Siskel about how much he appreciated Gene’s enthusiasm for.... well... the goose. I see drawings and political cartoons, a clip of CELEBRITY DEATH MATCH, two stories filed about me being on the show from Hollywood Reporter and Variety. I really begin feeling awfully worried at this point. Pretty much convincing myself that I have indeed bitten off more than I can chew... and that’s hard for a guy like me to do.
It’s off to the set for Teleprompter duty. I sit down, and as I sit there, I begin getting weird goosebumps, I’m hiding all of this from the crew, the producers... but inside, I was scared shitless. I haven’t had too many experiences with a Teleprompter, my eyes aren’t the best in the world. But... Alrighty... I’ll give it my best shot right? I mean... I’m here... I might as well try.
The first time, fueled by my excitement makes me read as though I’m auctioning off cattle.... I can tell it was too fast, and as if to confirm this, the director... well... He confirmed it. After a few trial runs... I get where I need to be. Then I begin practicing ‘Crosstalks’ with Stuart. Everybody seemed pretty happy with me. I must not completely suck. Maybe I can do this.
As we get back into the office, I find out that I’m having dinner with Roger and Stuart that night... which kinda puts a monkey wrench in the plans to hook up with fans... But I hope to kinda iron things out.
I only had twenty minutes or so before going to see the screenings of ELECTION and SLC PUNK, so... I hop online and did that one paragraph update that I was at the studio... and just came off the stage.
Stuart and I take off to the theater to see the movies. It’s a small but wonderful little screening room, not too many people in attendance, so I sit third row center (as usual) and I watch the two films. To see what I thought... Watch the show this weekend.
Coming out of the screening area, I meet two readers of the site that were supposed to meet me, and I tell them that I’m supposed to go have dinner with Roger, but to meet me at valet area of the Four Seasons at 2000 hours (Chicago Time) and we’ll go out for some drinks or something... They agree, and I have to admit... I felt awful about putting them off like that. But.... I needed to meet Roger. I needed to have that first conversation. I needed to know that I could talk with him and not just sit there in silent drooling slack jawed gawking manner.
At the hotel, Stuart and I reach the lobby level (7th floor) and as Stuart rounds a corner I hear him say, “There he is... HEY Roger,” and as I round the corner I see him, “this is Harry Knowles.” Well... that was certainly Roger Ebert I heard my brain confirm, and Roger said that I looked just like my cartoon character.
We decide to grab dinner at ‘Tucci’ something or another... It’s this Italian place with GREAT FOOD, and this conversation... Well, It went well. Roger and I could have talked for a very very long time. With the exception of the spontaneous “mmmmmmmm’s” that I would moan after every other bite, I remember a wonderful conversation that spans everything from.... The original Plastic Man artist, the Wachowski Brothers’ PLASTIC MAN script I had read, Russ Meyer, how I really came to be on the show.... Whoa... I’ll stop there. First off, I’ve been under the assumption (remember ‘assume’ makes an ass out of u and me.) that it was my letter to Ebert that got me on the show... but it turns out that a friend of Roger’s had seen my introduction for SWITCHBLADE SISTERS on the roof of that Parking Garage during SXSW, and was apparently really impressed by me... and pitched me to Roger... and ta daaaa... here I am.
Well, that just set off this weird sideways bit of thought as I was continuing to talk about other things... But my mind was thinking about.... Man... If I hadn’t gone to that first Quentin Tarantino film fest and heard his introduction and saw Lucio Fulci’s THE BEYOND and Jack Hill’s SWITCHBLADE SISTERS, and if I hadn’t of written about that night, then perhaps if when Tarantino was sick and couldn’t introduce the film... perhaps Louis Black, editor of THE AUSTIN CHRONICLE, wouldn’t of come up begging me to do an intro, and then perhaps if my intro hadn’t been inspired by the fact that I wanted to keep Annette Kellerman on the roof watching SWITCHBLADE SISTERS instead of going off with this weird Golf lawn haired dude (Jealosy folks) then perhaps I wouldn’t have been as charged to fire that audience up, and fire myself up, and the friend of Roger’s wouldn’t have seen that, and I wouldn’t have done the show.
Ok... So If I suck.... I could always blame Annette. That’s good to know..... ANYWAYS.... We complete dinner and say our goodbyes, and I head off the meet the geeks in the valet area. No sooner than I get down there, then they show up. We went to this club down on... I think it was called RUSH street... It was like the High Hat or Something Something Club.... I can’t remember. But we four sat down... And I just chimed on till about 2330 hours (Chicago Time) when we left. They take me by that marquee that Siskel And Ebert always were arguing together by.
Anyway... I get back to hotel.... back to my room, and.... dear lord.... who did this to my room?
There are all these flowers, boxes of candy, a bottle of Don Perignon, chocolate dipped strawberries, these ‘Congratulations Harry’ cards and ‘Best of Luck’ cards... in all about 24 of them. My message light was blinking, and there were over 30 messages, I try to write the numbers down, but I screwed up and cleared my messages, and I started screaming and thought about pulling a Johnny Depp on the whole room, till better wisdom ruled out.
So instead, I got in bed, watched the clips from the films we would be introducing and reacting to... And I was reading my reviews over and over again.... out loud... Short of working over in my head how to ‘perform’ these things. This is something new... something that harkens back to the ol Acting days. These things are supposed to sound spontaneous and off the top of your head... but let’s face it folks, there’s a dang camera staring right atcha... and you have to pivot and react to images you are not seeing.... It’s not just shooting the shit, this is structured to a degree... and I had to have myself together.
I finally get some sleep... and when I wake up, I take a cab to the studio and sit in the meeting room...
That’s a Maltese Falcon beside the TV there. I’m sitting at this round table, and the first thing my eyes gravitated to was the curious black bird. Men have killed for it. I’d do anything to possess it. ZAP! Sorry, Greenstreet flashback. Next my eyes fall upon...
...a framed display of old 1930’s Cigarette Cards. I get up to get a better look, but my glasses are off, and it was still....
... blurry. Sorry bout that. After make up where I was given actual eyebrows.... COOL. I can see me Eyebrows! Wow! Suddenly, I’m called to goto the stage....
I go through this door.... I begin following Roger onto the stage....
Then, as my heart began racing, down the aisle...
Till, I sit in my seat.... I look at my view and...
I panned around to see that I was indeed there. I let out this... sigh that ends with a shit eating grin, and Roger begins laughing at me. “Wow” I say as I finally see the monitor, that shows....
