I am – Hercules!!
“Private Practice,” the new “Grey’s Anatomy” spinoff about a Santa Monica medical clinic, is unfunny faux David E. Kelley from Shonda Rhimes, the woman who wrote 2002’s “Crossroads” (negative reviews from 85 percent of the nation’s movie critics), 2004’s “Princess Diaries 2” (negative reviews from 73 percent of the nation’s movie critics) and “Grey’s Anatomy” (not reviewed by the nation’s movie critics). Some TV critics are saying tonight’s first episode is better than the backdoor pilot that doubled as an episode of “Grey’s Anatomy” last season. Wow! Tonight's new episode is so awful even the amazonian Kate Walsh cavorting nakedly cannot redeem it. Adding insult to injury, the show features Tim Daly (“Eyes”) and Chris Lowell (“Veronica Mars”), stars from better, cancelled shows. Here’s hoping “The Bionic Woman” beats this thing silly. USA Today gives it two and a half stars (out of four) and says:

… These are supposed to be established physicians at a prosperous "wellness center," yet each does something tonight that makes you wonder if they're capable of even finding the clinic, let alone running it. We may be a childish generation, but you can't make all the characters childish at once, at least not before you've given us some reason to want to watch them grow up. …

The New York Times says:

… her new colleagues collectively offer one of the most depressing portrayals of the female condition since “The Bell Jar.” Or worse: The premiere showcases seven different women, doctors and their patients, in various states of anger, insecurity and neediness. It’s like a Hogarth engraving of the seven stages of womanly despair, “A Surgeon’s Progress.”…

The Los Angeles Times says:

… new beginnings can be difficult; there are problems here, though they are not irremediable. …

The Washington Post says:

… Spun clumsily and greedily off "Grey's Anatomy," the new series seems shallow and smirky. And if a TV show can be said to have a mind, this one's stubbornly in the gutter. …

The Chicago Tribune says:

… Addison, or at least the luminous and very likable Walsh, isn't really the problem here. The problem is that "Private Practice" attempts to drum up comedy from things that aren't funny and to wring drama from situations that are melodramatic, predictable or reek of barely repressed anger. …

The San Francisco Chronicle says:

… "Private Practice" is bad. … one of the most patently manipulative, poorly written pieces of drivel in the past few seasons, at least.

The Pittsburgh Post-Gazette says:

… Late in the episode, Addison describes her day with its "crazy MacGyver surgery," which is a cute acknowledgement of the plot's overbaked drama, but it doesn't excuse it. What's more, as her naked dance shows, Addison has been robbed of some of her most endearing traits. …

The Milwuakee Journal-Sentinel says:

… The "Private Practice" pilot is funny, flirtatious and full of life. It's also as rife with fantastic coincidences and other improbable developments as "Grey's," but that doesn't seem to faze the older series' gazillions of fans. …

The Denver Post says:

… a ridiculous soap with idiotic, annoyingly impossible characters in outlandishly implausible crises. It outwears its welcome before the first episode, "In Which We're Ready to Give Up on Addison, a Reinvented Character From Another Show." The good news: Rhimes got rid of the talking elevator, the most absurd feature of the first pilot.…

The Boston Herald says:

… If only your medical insurance covered the suffering of “Private Practice.” … practically dead on arrival, choked with contrived stories and lifeless characters. … There’s only one way to improve “Private Practice”: a Do Not Resuscitate order. …

The Seattle Post-Intelligencer says:

… a crappy spinoff … we're not sure we can take new Addison brought to life in stupid Rhimesian banter …

Newsday says:

… hugely disappointing, and in so many ways that a mere review can't even begin to do all the problems injustice. …

Variety says:

… isn't a full-fledged screw-up, certainly, but so far it is a serious letdown -- the public kind that, in TV circles, historically follows a great big hit. …

The Hollywood Reporter says:

… The talented cast isn't quite as successful in getting past the shortcomings of a teleplay (from Rhimes, naturally) that's typically light on believability and heavy on the outrageous. Capturing lightning in a bottle twice in a row is Rhimes' tall challenge here, and it's uncertain at best that this is going to be the vehicle that delivers it. Then again, I didn't see the "Grey's" freight train coming, either. …

9 p.m. Wednesday. ABC.

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