Hola all. Massawyrm here.
Shit. I hate it when I lose a fucking bet. And I'm certain people around the world are losing the very same bet today. Apparently there actually is a script Eddie Murphy will say no to. And this was it. This movie isn't just bad. This movie isn't just terrible. Daddy Day Care is shitty. Really shitty. Shittyshittyshittyshitty. No love went into this. No money went into this. This is what happens when a studio REALLY wants to make something out of nothing – like a broke bachelor trying to cook Mac and Cheese without the milk. No matter what you do, it ain't gonna be good.
But this is worse than that. This is a movie so bad, so unbelievably gawdawful that I honestly, actually begged for the reels to have been switched forcing me to watch the last half of BRATZ instead. THAT'S how fucking bad this is. It made me beg for Bratz. Someone had quipped to me what they thought the worst movie of the year was and I fired back Yeah, for six more days. Until Bratz. Well, it turns out Bratz was officially the worst movie in the land for one week. Because Daddy Day Camp held me down, gave me an Indian burn and made me beg for mercy. So if it has one thing going for it then that is that it gives you the whole, painful, humiliating camp experience in the time it usually takes to actually get to camp. And for a whole lot less money.
Look, at this point Cuba Gooding Jr. has become that functionally retarded cousin or little brother we all have. You know the one I'm talking about. You just love the guy and you hope for the best – but every once in a while he makes a decision so bad you just look the other way and shake your head. Dude, what are you doing to yourself, you mumble. And as stupid or hairbrained as the idea is, you're still gonna see him at Christmas and give the silly retard a hug. Come on. Even if you make fun of him, you still love Cuba. We all love Cuba. But this and Norbit in the same year? I know your dad sang Everybody plays the Fool, sometimes, but come on. Taking dad's advice is one thing, doing it for ten fucking years is another. Dude, fire your fucking agent. It's time to star in real movies again. It's time to use that god given talent for good and not for evil. Because this? This is fucking evil.
No, I can live with seeing Cuba embarrass himself again. But Fred Savage? No. That's what really hurt. When I saw that he was directing this I actually had a bit of hope. As bad as this looked, I thought Man, after growing up as part of a show as good as THE WONDER YEARS, this kid had to have absorbed something. He had to have learned how to make some quality family entertainment. Instead, he apparently learned all the proper names of the positions of the crew and where the crafty table is – because that's where I want to believe he spent all of his time. No one was behind the camera on this. They set it up, walked away and said Cuba's got this.
But he doesn't. At the very least, even Cuba seems to realize how big an unmitigated piece of shit this is. I mean, he's not just replacing Eddie Murphy as the lead in this series…he's replacing Eddie Murphy. HE'S PLAYING THE SAME FUCKING CHARACTER. What makes it worse is that they replaced EVERY FUCKING CHARACTER with another actor. As if Daddy Day Care wasn't miserable enough, this is the super low rent version of it. This is the movie we would have seen at the end of Daddy Day Care had the ending involved them selling the rights to their story, culminating in a final scene of us watching them watching the bad movie based on their life. That's what this movie is. And Cuba seems to know it, beginning every scene with a look at his manager asking Did the check clear?
It takes the plot of every single terrible camp movie ever made and attempts to make an even shittier movie out of them. We're talking Meatballs 4, Ernest Goes to Camp and every sitcom episode that sent their kids to camp bad. This movie takes every single cliché that they burned out in parody in Wet Hot American Summer and tries its damndest to make it fly again. But it can't.
There's a methane backup in the outhouse, and someone lights a match. There's an unattainable pretty girl that a young nerd falls for. There's an evil camp across the lake that they have to defeat in the summer cross-lake Olympics. No. I'm not kidding. And guess what – they need to win those Olympics to save their camp. If you can't figure out the outcome and every joke to each of these scenarios, then perhaps this movie might be for you. But if you're like the rest of us, then you've seen this fucking movie a dozen times over, and it was barely funny the first half dozen times.
This shit is weak. In fact, this shit is so weak that even uttering the phrase This shit is weak does the movie disservice. This is a blemish on the folds of the very asshole of Hollywood. Nobody in this film deserves to work again. And that goes for everyone except Cuba. We still love you Cuba. Come back to us. But Savage? Fred, dude. At least you're in tight over at Disney. Perhaps making shit for an audience not yet old enough to know that it is shit is your destiny. Or maybe you should sit down this weekend, buy a ticket for Bratz and at least see how a director makes this look slick. I'd hate to say that Sean McNamara should be your Obi Wan Kenobi, but dude. You've gotta start somewhere.
I've just earned a smidgen more respect for Eddie Murphy. I've seen Norbit, and I can honestly say, between the two, that it was the much, much better film. Let that thought rattle around in your noggin.
Until next time friends, smoke ‘em if ya got ‘em.
Massawyrm
Much love to Chris Rudin who decided that he didn't care that the Make me A Massawyrm Contest ended a year ago (today.) He made me a new one anyway!
