I am – Hercules!!
My old pal, Ain’t It Cool headgeek Harry Knowles, wrote Sunday of his disappointment with “On The Lot.” Harry Knowles is way right about most stuff, and he is way right about “On The Lot’s” shortcomings. Some filmmakers should have been cut before other filmmakers. The contestants should have been able to make R- and NC-17- and X-rated movies. And the show cast too many people who were more reality contestants than filmmakers. (None of this means I’ve stopped watching; I am perhaps less evolved than Harry Knowles when it comes to a keen fascination for the creative process under constraint and duress.) I rank last week’s crop: 1) Give Shalini Kanyayya’s “Dr. In-Law” big points for some first-rate camerawork and a surprisingly faculty for anal-rape comedy. Loved how the doctor seemed to lapse into Swedish midway through. “Doctor thinks you are very handsome,” was the line of the week. 2) Adam Stein’s “Discovering The Wheels” loses points because his cavemen made their homes on someone’s well-manicured lawn. Stein was also too subtle; one has to watch “Wheels” more than once to realize the short was about how a girl will like you better if you drive a red Mustang convertible. I liked it anyway. 3) Frozen-coathanger guy Zach Lipovksy’s effects-free “Die Hardly Working” again demonstrated more inspiration in his craftsmanship than in his ability to shape a distinctive story. 4) Will Bingham’s “Nerve Endings”, about the misbehaver brain surgeon, indulged some sharp visual touches, but its comedy was a little was too obvious to elicit any laughter from me. 5) Hilary Graham’s “Under The Gun” (which somehow starred the sister of shameless New Line chief and Peter Jackson nemesis Robert Shaye) offered flabby writing and flabby directing and guest judge Mark Waters nailed the biggest problem when he suggested the director fouled the piece by missing the shot of whatever literally tripped up the protagonist. 6) David May’s Cupid-tale “Love At First Shot” was my favorite short two weeks ago, but “How To Have A Girl,” about a pair of lovers determined to stay on top, was a tragic misfire. Tragic because May will probably get the boot this week; he may deserve it for “Girl,” but not for the body of May work aired on “On The Lot.” Eli Roth, an amusing young man I first met in Harry Knowles’ backyard screening room several months before the release of “Cabin Fever,” is said to be tonight’s guest judge. 8 p.m. Tuesday. Fox.

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