I am – Hercules!! It’s a drama, from writer-producers Scott Rosenberg (“High Fidelity,” “Impostor,” “Kangaroo Jack”) and Andre Nemec & Josh Appelbaum (“She Spies,” “Fastlane,” “Alias”), about a successful novelist who returns to his hometown after 10 years to discover his old friends aren’t too happy about the way their fictional counterparts were depicted. It stars Brian Greenberg (“Unscripted”) and Laura Prepon (“That ‘70s Show”). And, oh, hey, it co-stars Tom Berenger, who was in “The Big Chill” with “Raines” star Jeff Goldblum! ABC did not forward Ain’t It Cool a screener but the reviews are … not good. Perhaps “October Road” was made for all those talkbackers who hate “Andy Barker”? TV Guide gives it a 0 (out of 10) and says:

… Every you-can't-go-home-again cliché is recycled in the comically pretentious saga …

USA Today gives it one star (out of four) and says:

… An appalling combination of precious and pretentious … Every line of dialogue adds to your pain. The confessions no one would make, the conversations no one would have, the friendships no one would want, the strained efforts to be clever or arty in lines like "Once I stayed away, staying away became a way." It's like water dripping on foreheads. …

Entertainment Weekly gives it a “C” and says:

… achingly sincere, deeply unbelievable … The characters talk either stiltedly (''Which begs the question, Why did you run out of here?'') or slangily (''Your eyes are off the hinge!''). The series strains for a small-town, quirky vibe — think Ed crossed with Everwood — but lacks charm. …

The New York Times says:

… exists as the kind of bad soap opera that quickly allows you to see what makes a good one. … Suspense hangs essentially on whether Nick will be able to secure genetic proof of his own narcissism. He may need to see the test results, but you won’t.

The Los Angeles Times says:

… Some high-quality TV trauma drama ensues … and some genuinely cringe-worthy moments too. The cringe-worthy moments involve air guitar and tennis rackets and some song by Boston, and Eddie pretending to be a squirrel in a tool shed, an old trick that charms the ladies. But by Episode 4, I was getting ready to declare "October Road" my new guilty pleasure.…

The Chicago Tribune says:

… This wretched show not only features a lead character who is an unredeemable nitwit but dialogue that manages to be leaden, preposterous and pretentious all at once. …

The Washington Post says:

… as commercial and mechanical as an entry-level Mercedes, but not as emotionally involving. … Whatever corny, maudlin and hokey things could happen to someone in Nick's situation manage to happen …

The Seattle Post-Intelligencer says:

… To put it mildly, and succinctly, it's appalling. …

The San Francisco Chronicle says:

… just unfortunate … It's a coming-of-age story so overwrought and emotionally predictable, it's -- what's the word here? -- unwatchable. The writers beat you on the head with John Steinbeck's typewriter and a bloody-edged iPod full of tunes meant to punctuate the story lines. …

The Pittsburgh Post-Gazette says:

… "October Road" is perhaps one of the most clumsily plotted, illogical drama pilots to be produced in years. Too much of it simply makes no sense. …

Variety says:

About as tired as a premise gets… … What separates "October Road," albeit to a modest extent, is an unusually appealing cast, though that's relatively small compensation for the banality of the central character's situation. …

The Hollywood Reporter says:

… would have been better off left on the conference table at the pitch session. … there's practically nothing unexpected in the script … As a result, network promos are a lot more exciting and promising than the series itself.

10 p.m. Thursday. ABC.

Furiously Winging Toward You!! The Batman 3.x * Batman Beyond 3.x * Bosom Buddies 1.x * The 4400 3.x * Jason of Star Command: The Complete Series * Justice League Unlimited 2.x * Kidnapped: The Complete Series * Kyle XY 1.x * The Larry Sanders Show: Not Just the Best Of * The Lost Room: The Complete Miniseries * Mary Hartman, Mary Hartman Vol. 1 * McLeod's Daughters 2.x * Michael Palin: Around The World In 80 Days * Mission: Impossible 2.x * Moral Orel: Vol. 1 * MXC: Most Extreme Elimination Challenge 2.x * NewsRadio 5.x * The OC 4.x * The Odd Couple 1.x * One Day At A Time 1.x * The Rockford Files 4.x * Roots: 30th Anniversary Edition * Scrubs 5.x * Shadow Warriors 1.x * The Shield 5.x * The Streets of San Francisco 1.x Vol. 1 * Teen Titans 3.x * Twin Peaks 2.x * The Untouchables 1.x Vol. 1 * The Venture Bros. 2.x * Voltron Vol. 3 * Welcome Back Kotter 1.x * The Wild Wild West 2.x * WKRP in Cincinnati 1.x