Well folks, before the Tarantino fest began, I was presented with a couple of problems. First I was offered the possibly waaaay cool adventure of traveling to California to visit the set of MYSTERY MEN... A concept that I did indeed eye with much desire. For... if there is a cooler cast around for a film this summer (not counting THAT film) then I can't think of it. But alas, I was going to the Tarantino Fest, which... well is the coolest fest on the planet. So what to do? I knew you folks would love a great report on MYSTERY MEN... So I looked over my assembled spies and thought.... Hmmmmm.... Then it hit me. I'll send the robot! So I dialed up Robogeek, sent him brand new vacuum tubes to power his pre-ENIAC corroded non-positronic brain nodes... And I sent him on his first honest to goodness spy mission. I kinda figured he'd end up like James Brown in THE DIRTY DOZEN, but he came back with the story... and here is CHAPTER ONE...
ROBOGEEK MEETS THE MYSTERY MEN -- PART ONE
Another Robogeek Adventure
The Shoveler's Shovel and Hard Hat, and The Bowler's Bowling Ball Bag: Icons for a New Age of Heroes.
"Harry, I'm bored."
And with those words began my most recent adventure, set into motion during a late night phone call with the Head Geek himself.
I'd just finished a delicious bowl of Mrs. Johnson's famous Son-of-a-Gun Soup while gazing longingly at the current object of my affection, Justine Shapiro. She was traipsing through Asia on the Travel Channel's daily hour of exhilaratingly enlightening escapism, "Lonely Planet." Faithful readers will recall I was introduced to this latest media obsession during my recent trip to the Banzai Institute West by the great Mexican matinee idol Reno Nevada. Ever since I'd gotten back, I've been checking the Travel Channel web site every Monday to see when she's hosting that week, and watching religiously.
(Honestly, this is really one of the best shows on television. See for yourself weekdays at 3, 8 or 11pm EST. Today you can travel with Justine to South Africa, and tomorrow you can explore the American Southwest with her. Trust me. It's worth an hour out of your day. You'll thank me.)
Anyway, after following the farflung adventures of the boundlessly charming Ms. Shapiro these past several weeks, a brewing wanderlust was beckoning me. Half lost in daydreams of far away places, I absent-mindedly downloaded my daily mountain of e-mail, which I perused over a trio of Mrs. Johnson's famous cinnamon buns. The rapturous voice of Jennifer Nobel emanated from my stereo, in which spun Grey Eye Glances' "Painted Pictures" album.
Jennifer was singing "One Day Soon" when the phone rang. It was Harry. He wanted to geek out over some new "Phantom Menace" photos he'd just gotten, or something. I couldn't care less. I've seen, heard, and read so much about that film by now I feel like I've already watched it.
"Harry, I'm bored."
"Yeah?"
"I've got to get out of town, but I'm not due back at the Institute for awhile, and things are pretty quiet at the BPRD. Send me on a mission, will you?"
"Hmmm... Let's see what we got here..." I heard Harry clicking his mouse, typing on his keyboard, shuffling some papers and flipping through files. "Hey, here's something," he said a moment later. "We've got a formal invitation to visit the set of 'Mystery Men' at Universal from the producers. Boy, they must be brave. What do you think?"
"Perfect. [BPRD Director of Field Operations] Tom Manning's been wanting me to check them out anyway, since they're adapting some declassified case files to make a 'Hellboy' movie. I can kill two stones with one bird!"
"You _do_ need to get out of town."
52 hours later -- after some excellent work on the part of Michael and Justine (no, another one) at the "Mystery Men" production office -- I was flying to Burbank. I arrived just shy of 9:30 am.
"Welcome to Burbank. The temperature is 72 degrees. For those of you who smoke, please don't. The air's polluted enough already." I swear, the flight attendant really said that.
I strolled through the terminal, passing stand-up photos of various NBC television personalities on the wall. Strangely, all of them were reproduced at sub-normal size. Then again, maybe all the "Friends" really are 5'2" -- all I know is that I had an overwhelming urge to smack 'em. They just kept staring, oh-so-creepily. I get the heebie-jeebies just thinking about it...
Finally, I escaped the terminal, and soon spied my ride, who was circling in an anonymous white van -- sort of like the ones the bureau uses during field operations. I took this as a good omen, since I was about to face my first real challenge of the day: interacting directly with a human.
See, when I was out at the Institute, Dr. Hikita outfitted me with a brand new bio-mimic array. That is, an elaborate mechanism that disguises me as a mild-mannered, non-descript, average-height human. I don't really know how it works, only that it lasts up to 18 hours. ("Like that bra!" Hikita said. Goddamn, I thought Scooter would never stop laughing.)
Anyway, I flagged down my ride, and my day really started to get cool. My driver was none other than legendary Hollywood transportation guru Mike Shepard. This guy is a god, and has worked in the business for 40 years. He's seen all, knows all. It was like being chauffeured by Yoda.
As we drove through Burbank towards Universal City, he pointed out the sights and gave me a crash course in Hollywood history. I couldn't help but think that someone needs to grab a DV cam and follow him around, a la Speed Levitch in "The Ride." It'd be an amazing documentary. What a treat.
I asked him how "Mystery Men" was looking. He started laughing. "Boy, this is a fun one," he said. "You can tell they're having a good time, and that it's working. And I've worked on plenty that weren't."
"So with this and "The Mummy," it sounds like Universal's may finally have a good year, huh?" I asked, fishing.
"And 'Bofinger.' I was working on that, and it feels like a real winner, too," he said, referring to the upcoming Frank Oz film starring Steve Martin and Eddie Murphy, written by Martin. "Those three working together are magic. Keep your eye on that one."
I thanked him for the tip, and as we passed the Warners lot, I couldn't help but cringe. We continued chatting as we entered the Universal backlot passing the first of countless tour busses I'd see that day. We drove by Imagine's bungalow (see you at the Paramount, Ron!), and arrived at Larry Gordon and Lloyd Levin's production offices.
For those of you too lazy to look it up on IMDB, Larry Gordon is the legendary über-producer whose many, many credits include 1979's "The Warriors" up through the "Die Hard," "48 Hours" and "Predator" franchises, along with "Field of Dreams" and many others (including "The Rocketeer," a film close to my heart). Lloyd Levin, his producing partner, has swiftly emerged as a producer-to-watch, and most recently the duo added "The Devil's Own," "Event Horizon" and "Boogie Nights" to their list of credits. "Mystery Men" is their latest project, due to open August 6th, which just wrapped principal photography last week. Soon they will start work on "Hellboy," but more on that later.
I entered the offices, and introduced myself. And then it happened. (To get an idea of this moment, play "The Burning Bush" track from the soundtrack to "The Prince of Egypt." Come on, play along -- it'll be fun!)
Someone (I'm not saying who) froze, jaw dropping agape in awe. And then (I swear) he/she started quivering with wonder.
"You're... you're Robogeek...," he/she said, transfixed.
"Yes," I replied gently.
"You're... you're ROBOGEEK!" he/she said again, now visibly excited.
"Yes," I repeated, with zen-like poise.
"It's really you! Holy shit! You're really here!"
I was starting to get a tad embarrassed.
He/she started calling to everyone else in the office. "Do you know who this is?!?! DO YOU KNOW WHO THIS IS?!?! Oh, my GOD! He's standing right here! I can't believe it!"
His/her attention returned to me, and he/she spoke in hushed tones of solemnity. "Do you have any idea who you are? Do you _know_ the influence you wield, the authority you command?"
I smiled beatifically, raising my right hand slowly.
"Behold... the power of Robogeek," I said quietly as I levitated him/her off the ground, using the Force.
Okay, so I didn't really do that. But, damn if it wasn't tempting.
Anyway, I took this reception as another good omen. It was going to be a Good Day, I decided, as I was taken across The Lot to The Set.
I entered through a small side door of an enormous soundstage (I think it was 26, I could be wrong). And then I saw it -- the craft services table. There was a splendid array of fruit and baked goods, coffee and juice, but my eyes rested on the centerpiece of it all: a huge expanse of a tray, filled with a firmament of donuts. Every kind of donut on God's Good Earth. I almost cried. I didn't even have the heart to take one, they were so beautiful.
This was going to be a Good Day.
There was a well-orchestrated hustle-and-bustle afoot, which I was led through. More than a few people eyed me curiously, since I was the only one on set wearing a tie. Ultimately, I arrived on the threshold of the first set I'd see that day -- the Fraculator Chamber. They were shooting a scene, so I moved stealthily as to not disrupt the proceedings.
As I climb up the stairs I see a circular room: half-dungeon, half-mad-scientist's-lair from a '30s serial. In the center, looming down ominously from the ceiling, is the massive (and incredibly cool) Fraculator Device, beneath which Captain Amazing (Greg Kinnear) is held captive in a (really cool) chair.
On one side stands Mr. Furious (Ben Stiller) and The Bowler (Janeane Garofalo). On the other, The Shoveler (William H. Macy) and The Blue Raja (Hank Azaria). They've come to save Captain Amazing, who's been captured by the nefarious Casanova Frankenstein (Geoffrey Rush, probably still in bed).
All around them are countless members of the film crew, the camera, boom mike, monitors, cables, etc. But I don't see them.
I see heroes.
No, I see super-heroes. Five of them. They're standing RIGHT THERE. They're saying COOL THINGS. They're REAL.
"Cut," I hear, breaking me out of my reverie.
"I'm in geek heaven," I whisper to myself.
Over the next few hours, I would see more sets, meet the producers, director, cinematographer, production designer, costume designer, stars, watch a rough cut of the opening of the film, get a peek at mock-up designs for the film's teaser campaign, and take more pictures.
I'll tell you all about it tomorrow. ;-)
TOMORROW...
SEE the Fraculator!
WITNESS the Blue Raja's close-up!
MEET Mr. Furious and The Shoveler!
DRIVE the Herkimer!
All this and more in tomorrow's exciting episode of:
