I am – Hercules!! The boasting begins precisely 30 seconds into episode one of “The Apprentice’s” sixth season. “I have properties all over the place,” bellows The Donald. “In fact, my newest golf course in L.A., Trump National, is doing amazingly well, and I’ve decided to build a house there!” We then cut to Trump in sunglasses beneath palm trees, looking very uncomfortable trying to say his lines from behind the wheel of a white convertible. Did Trump ever learn how to drive an automobile? One … wonders. Is he being towed by a camera truck? I’m thinking yes! Trump’s trophy wife and infant are trotted out seconds later, as if to as remind us all of the man’s continued virility. The O’Jays song remains, but the title sequence’s montage is almost all new for the first time since season one, to service the season’s new Los Angeles locale. One of the contestants introduces herself as an Olympics gold medallist in ice hockey. Trump decides she deserves a hug. Another candidate near the end of the long line introduces himself thusly: “My name is Martin. I’m the senior assistant city attorney for the great city of Atlanta, and I’ll too give you a hug if you let me go to the bathroom.” Though not everyone would appreciate Martin's wit, I kinda had to love the guy right away. One contestant, Jenn, says she runs a multi-media company and publishes a magazine “in her spare time.” Something tells me it’s not Newsweek. When introductions are over, Trump assigns the whole crew to build a giant tent, so the guys take off their jackets and the girls kick off their heels and chaos ensues. An insanely hot sales manager named Heidi, who hails from a farming community in Michigan, explains that she’s a camper and takes charge. She’s the good guy. Then a guy from the Bronx named Frank, who runs a contracting company and therefore thinks he should be in charge, starts yammering so loudly in a Trump-like manner than Trump himself sticks his head out his mansion window and tells him to simmer down. He’s the bad guy. The losing team only makes about 5 percent less money than the winning team. It’s L.A., so the loser goes home in a chauffeured towncar instead of a cab. Favorite things about tonight’s “Apprentice”: * Shrewish golf-course manager Caroline has been replaced by Trump’s gorgeous twentysomething spawn Ivanka. * Nobody sits in George’s seat at first. The choice for his replacement is revealed late in the episode, and the choice is a masterstroke. (Hint: It’s not Trump’s son.) * Learning that Frank and Heidi took leadership roles, Trump assigns them as project managers. We later learn that winning project managers remain project managers until their team lose. * The first task, happily, does not involve Nabisco or Ford or Alcoa or some other huge corporation with a product-placement budget. Everybody’s working at a couple of local car washes. (One of which is right across the street from the Directors Guild theatre. Every film critic in Los Angeles knows this car wash.) * It’s been well-publicized that the winning team gets to sleep in the mansion while the losing team has to live in tents. Less publicized? Those sitting around the hot tub and pool can hear the losers in the tents trying to flee lizards and assign blame. Meet all of the pretty and less-pretty “Apprentice” contestants here.

“Soap” and “All in the Family” for $11 per season? “NewsRadio” for $15 per season? “Seinfeld” for $16 per season? “Rescue Me” for $18.25 per season? Post-Holiday Twofer Sale!!!!