Well the eye candy in this flick is so high, I think resisting may be tough... but from this review... perhaps that wouldn't be too bad an idea. What have some of you other folks out there thought of this film? I mean... sheesh, Sarah, Denise, Reese.... hubba hubba... But, who knows as to the actual quality of the film. It doesn't sound.... too promising... But I'll be there... Warning... there are spoilers below!!!!
Okay, Harry. After several attempts to get you to post a review by me on your site of all flick sites, this is my last ditch effort.
I recently caught a screening of the new Sarah Michelle Geller flick “Cruel Intentions”. Let me start by putting in the usual AICN stuff I usually try to avoid. When I got the lowdown on the screening I was psyched as Hell, because this as you know was one of my must see flicks of 99. I spent the whole day, watching “Valmont” and “Dangerous Liaisons” to reacquaint myself with the source material. So my lovely lady and my good friend Porter and I climbed into my Dodge-Pretentious-Yuppie-Wanna-Be-Adventure-Mobile-Durango and headed off to what I expected to be a super-cool flick. We sat in the theater for about an hour before hand. (The theater was curiously the same one that was currently showing the atrocious, “Simply Irresistible” Can someone tell me how a flick that features a magical crab ever got made?? The only good thing I can say about it is I’m happy to see Dylan Baker back in the slums where he belongs after the travesty of “Happiness”) The studio guys (well, studio ‘guy’ and two helpers that looked like they were on loan from the local night shelter. God that guy had a vicious case of breath and pit stench that had my eyes watering my ten minutes!)
So basically the guy said the flick was “Cruel Intentions” and it was off. No intro, no asking us how to market, no nothing!!!!! (Except for some half size posters and some buttons that looked like the cardboard backings for better buttons.)
The previews were lame.
“Ravenous”? God this is gonna suck. I won’t even rent this shit.
“Carrie 2" Is there an audience for this?
“The Deep End of the Ocean” Oh Boy, from the people who brought you the hankiefest,
“When a Man Loves a Woman”
“The Matrix” Very Cool and the highlight of the show.
Only four previews, God how stingy they’re getting.
Then “Cruel Intentions” began and I settled into my seat, slid my arm around my girl and got ready for a kick ass, rudeness and backstabbing jamboree!!! Let me say, I really wanted to like this flick. Really, really wanted to like it. (Kind of like I really wanted to really, really like “Vampires”) But, I just couldn’t. Sarah Michelle Geller plays Kathryn, one of the most unconvincing bitches ever to grace the screen. Her step-brother and partner in mediocre examples of dastardly: Sebastian is played by Ryan Phillipe. Together they sit around a really pretty, kingdom-like home that looks like the alternate location for “Sabrina: The Revenge” and plot the kind of things that Amanda on “Melrose Place” does during her down time from bigger plots. They languish and pose in the most pretentious clothing and surroundings known to man. The dialogue between them hasn’t been this forced since Nicolas Cage and Sean Young in “Fire Birds”. There is no chemistry here. Not for once did I believe that Sebastian was actually the horrible little snob cum-manipulator he was trying to play. Phillipe does all of the prerequisite mysogynistic manipulation and the snotty rich boy shit he’s expected to do. Sarah Michelle Geller plays the misunderstood pretty girl masquerading as an uninspired Black Widow. Together they plot to have the virginity of poor, little, perfect girl. Reese Witherspoon plays: Annette, in a role that made me completely forget “Pleasantville” and remember the horror of “Fear”. (Where’s Marky Mark when you really need him?) They bet, the now well known bet of Phillipe’s ultra cool car to Buffy if he loses, Buffy’s precious ass to Phillipe if he succeeds. To tell the truth, I was really hoping he would follow through on that one. Buffy’s ass is kind of an amateur fascination of mine. Then, keeping to the original material, he starts to fall for Little Miss Wonderful White Bread and begins to question his morality, his actions and idea of guilt for the first time ever. Whilst this occurs, Buffy spends her time turning the hottie from “Zoe, Duncan, Jack and Jane” into a total whore. “Sleep with as many people as you can.” she says. The bet should’ve been over how fast this dumb, object of poke would contract a social disease. Calamity ensues when Phillipe begins to fall for White Bread Girl and feels to need to unburden his soul to her about the bet. Witherspoon now hates Phillipe’s guts which really ain’t too hard considering how little of them he has. The ending speeds toward the inevitable ‘tragic ending’ with a bullet. The credits roll unfortunately five minutes later than we realize that we’ve been duped into watching yet another teen-age, modernized classic shot to shit and then rubbed into celluloid for our viewing pleasure.
Spoilers? What’s the point? All the good stuff is already at Dark Horizons and the numerous fan sites for this non-flick. But, here they are for what it’s worth.
1. Buffy actually does kiss Cecile, but it lacked the amazing, erection inducing quality of the scene in “Wild Things” when Neve Campbell and Denise Richards did the old face grind. The scene lacked........something, because after it had happened my girl leaned over and said: “Did Buffy have something in her teeth?”
2. Josh Jackson proves beyond a doubt he is in fact the Luke Perry of the current generation. His blackmailing, homosexual play is nothing more than Pacey Witters trying to act a little less butch. As if that was possible. I keep expecting him to say to Dawson one day: “You know, Dawson, you’re my best friend and I would never do anything to mess that up, but damn do you have a hot ass!! How about a nice hot session of self-deprecating, pop-culture laden man lovin’?!!”
3. Sebastian does pretend to orally satisfy Cecile. This is the worst case of phony oral since Michael Douglas went down for Sharon Stone in “Basic Instinct”. Cecile looks like she’s either having an uncomfortable orgasm or trying to figure out why Phillipe has a tounge like your basic house cat. I wouldn’t doubt it, because from the way he delivers his lines, it sounds like he’s been sanding Oak dining room furniture with his taster.
4. Buffy’s little crucifix is in fact a coke vial. Big fucking deal! Although I am kinda curious as to how someone who’s constantly shoveling the nose candy could look sooooooo serene and utterly bored with everything. The way this girl supposedly puts it away, she should be crying constantly and shooting out the “Really Loud Street Lights!!!”.
I really wanted to like this flick, I really did. Unfortunately I wound up feeling like I had just watched another modern classic rendered to shit by a screenwriter who owns stock in Cliff’s Notes. Skip this turd and watch “Dangerous Liaisons” again. No can compete with that kind of venom.
