Massawyrm Says THE GUARDIAN Sinks Instead Of Swims!!

Hola all. Massawyrm here.
You know, I hate writing reviews like this. There’s nothing like a film that you’re into, I mean really into, filled with great moments, a solid story and interesting, well drawn characters, that just runs right off of the rails at the most inopportune moment. Watching a film like this fly off the track is positively heartbreaking. Yes, yes, I know. Many of you out there had little to no faith in The Guardian whatsoever. You saw the double billing of Kevin Costner and Ashton Kutcher and winced like someone had shoved a red-hot poker up your ass. But me, I had some hope. I love military films, and frankly, this is the first real shot Kutcher’s had to play a serious role opposite a heavyweight like Costner – so I was intrigued to say the least. Yeah, I said it. Costner can act. And anyone who disagrees with me needs to sit down and watch Thirteen Days and tell me otherwise. The guy can be really solid when he wants to be, and this movie happens to be just such an occasion. The Guardian is good, really good. For the first ¾’s of it. Based upon the classic staple of military films, this is a boot camp movie. Only one that is turned on its ear. Rather than the standard story told from the point of view of the recruit, this is told primarily from the point of view of the instructor (Costner.) Costner’s Ben Randall is a complete badass. A legend. A guy people whisper about, tossing around the reported numbers of people he’s saved. Ben Randall is such a bad mamma jamma he hasn’t bothered to count. Problem is, he’s old, he refuses to accept that its time to hang up the flippers and worse yet, he’s emotionally scarred from a rescue gone horribly wrong. And he absolutely does not want to be an instructor. Enter Kutcher. The young cocky punk. The Legend…in his own mind. The kid who could be really great if he could just get over himself. Problem is, his legendary instructor doesn’t believe he can get over himself and is trying to drive him to quit, because eventually, Kutcher’s Jake Fischer is going to get someone killed. And the bitter conflict between these two is fantastic. Costner is at the top of his game, and Kutcher is 100% surprising in just how well he performs. Seriously. This is the Kutcher people have been saying didn’t exist. For years people have been saying that Kutcher is the best Cold Read in Hollywood, but that his problem is that he never gets any better than that initial audition. If that remains true, this must have been one hell of an audition – because Kutcher absolutely delivers. I know, I know. I never thought I’d write those words either. It looks like a couple of friends are going to show up at my house tonight with a big bowl of crow, ready to take me up on my offer to eat my hat if I ever acknowledged such a thing. But there it is. Kutcher is actually good. And this hat better taste like pumpkin pie. The conflict and spark between these two is fantastic and generates a few really perfect moments. Crying out ‘Hell yeah’ and applauding moments. It got me all sorts of worked up. As the film came to a close, I was elated. I couldn’t believe just how good it was, and as it entered the final scene, I couldn’t wait for the credits to roll so I could drive home and write up my review of a film this surprising. Only, it didn’t end. What the hell? Shouldn’t this be over? Nope. They’ve gotta go into the water together on a rescue. Okay, I get it. It’s time to pass the torch. Ah. There, now it’s over. Wait, what? More? Huh? What the hell is going on here? NO! Don’t you dare go back in the water! No! This was so fucking good. Over the course of the last quarter of this film, it goes from being a really good film…to being A.I. Yeah. Remember in A.I. how there were three different endings, each progressively worse? If only they’d ended the film when he jumped off the building, or when he froze underneath the sea? Well, here there are, like, seven. The last one is so bad, people were walking out during it and my eyes rolled to the back of my head so fast I almost got vertigo. The Guardian really, really wants to be GI Jane - complete with the long action sequence at the end – but loses focus, gets overly sentimental and HOLLYWOOD, and ends up in the crapper. It’s positively depressing. This movie desperately needed an editor, a producer – SOMEBODY – to step in and say “Guys, the movie ends after graduation. I know the rest of this was expensive, but put it on the DVD. We gotta cut it. Otherwise, this is gonna sink faster than any of the ships in the film.” Because it does. Rather than walking out elated, I sulked out having watched something really good become pretty bad. And it’s a hell of a downer – because there’s a lot more going on here apart from Costner and Kutcher. Like how about Clancy Brown as Brian Hadley (an obvious nod to his Shawshank Redemption character), Costners longtime friend and superior officer? It’s hard to get any better than Clancy Brown for a role like this. How about Dule Hill (Charlie from The West Wing) in his first really prominent film role? Now if only someone would give him more than two lines, and remind him to cover up his family crest tattoo on his arm – the one that says HILL in large block letters. How about the adorable Melissa Sagemiller (Sleeper Cell, The Clearing)? Perfect as Kutcher’s love interest. All of these actors work overtime in this, really fleshing out the film. But ultimately all that effort is wasted as it gets pissed down the pipes in the last 20-30 minutes of the film. And if that weren’t enough to kill this, there’s this weird, almost metaphysical ending that is going to lead to a truckload of Waterworld jokes. All in all the film is a wash. It’s got some funny moments, and some great moments – and I’d definitely watch it again. Possibly several times. But I’d shut it off after graduation every time. That’s where the movie ends and the suck begins. Not recommended except to those who can enjoy a movie in parts rather than simply the whole. Until next time friends, smoke ‘em if ya got ‘em. I know I will.
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