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Hey folks, Harry here with VanDammit's 3 key experiences thus far at Toronto. Being BORAT's non-screening, PAN'S LABYRINTH and the recently acquired by The Weinstein Company... ALL THE BOYS LOVE MANDY LANE! Which has been the big acquisition at Toronto thus far. Here ya go...

TIFF IN REVIEW – VANDAMMT! Hi, it’s VanDammit! I was one of the guys who reviewed Hostel at last year’s Toronto Film Festival. I was the only honest one who talked about some problems with the first half of the feature but loved the second half. Anyways, I’m back at TIFF and will try sending some more reviews to secure some more anonymous 15 minutes of fame. Borat: Yes, I was at the premier where Kazitstan technology proved more stable than the Canadian projector that broke down. I blame our new Prime Minister (aka Bush’s Bitch Boy- Stephen Harper). But damned if it wasn’t a great show anyways. Except for the lame magician who tried to entertain the 2 rows of people that could hear him while the projector was first being looked at. This proved too much for fellow filmmaker Michael Moore and Borat director Larry Charles, who thankfully took the stage and did an impromptu Q&A about whatever it was people wanted to ask. Moore wondered how we managed to elect a fellow jack-ass into office and no one could answer him. Larry Charles was asked if the beard he was wearing was fake or real. “Both” he answered. While all this was going on the manic Fox executives were desperately trying to find an alternative venue to finish the screening at 1:00 am in the morning. Apparently they even offered to usher the screening themselves. Good. Luck. Well, finally the crowd got what they really wanted when Borat returned to the stage and answered some questions about the making of the film. I’ve actually heard a few of his answers verbatim in online interviews but remember he’s a comedian and Borat is a routine. Actually now that I think about it it wasn’t long after Borat took a public poo in front of Trump Towers that the projector ‘broke down’. Who knows what kind of undercover operatives The Donald had infiltrated TIFF with. I just read on IMDB news that “Toronto boo’d” Borat. Fuck that. The only ones pissed were the retards who paid $300 on Ebay for tickets to see this thing. Michael Moore and Larry Charles on stage? Borat and donkey led to the screening by a woman drawn cart? Pure genius. I never did see the rest of the film at the make-up screening but I will happily pay my $13.00 and watch it in a theatre when it’s released. Of course I wasn’t one of the losers that paid $300 -VanDammit! Pan’s Labyrinth: Schindler’s List meets Legend. Who would have thought it was a movie for kids? It isn’t. I mean it stars a kid I guess but it also stars a homicidal Nazi-esque Captain who routinely shoots dead rebel soldiers in the head to make sure they are in fact dead. Ahhh good old fairy tales. Now I’m sure many people will jump in and say, “but fairy tales were originally dark, bloody stories told to children”. Well . That may be. But this movie isn’t for kids. In fact it’s a new genre of fairy tales, one that’s told to the recent phenomenom of man-children. Add this to Running Scared as a movie that is made for all the man-child's that are reading this column at Aintitcool. (That means you!) Yes, all you men who have never had to kill a wild boar with your bare hands and shoe laces or hunt down the group that shot and raped your dad in some tribal feud. Joseph Campbell believes that this is the single biggest hurdle to men. We no longer have our rituals to manhood. And movies like this only prolong that problem. Don’t get me wrong, I loved it. The production design was amazing. The CG was tight. The prostethics were wicked. The acting was superb. The story was well 5 out of 6 aint bad. To be honest the story wasn’t bad, it just wasn’t as good as all the other amazing elements to this film. The bar was too high for the story to reach. Like when I try to date hot rockstars. “Can’t quite reach nipples ” Actually I had the biggest time with the sound design. I haven’t heard the sound of leather stretching so loud and so often since watching Kinky Nunwiches Vol 13. Seriously. Someone turn down the “sound button”. Please. For the love of “sssttrreettchhh ” Overall, I really did love this film and will happily shell out my $$ for the DVD and then illegally convert it to my ipod (what’s that stupid law about?) to take on roadtrips and funerals. Four Damns out of Five! -VanDammit! All The Boys Love Mandy Lane: Okay now imagine Larry Clark’s KIDS meets Gus Van Sant’s Elephant meets teen slasher. Un-fuckin-believable That’s what this movie is. I walked out of the theatre totally buzzed but it wasn’t until the next morning that I realized how much I loved this movie. Here is a low budget movie that successfully combines genres in a way I have not yet seen. Very cool. And the audience loved it! After the movie finished they brought out the cast on stage and they all answered some questions. Or tried to. I would imagine that the director Jonathon Levine maybe had a few too many hits from the pipe as all he could do was take pictures of the audience from onstage and stammer. But it didn’t matter. You see the movie may be called “All The Boys Love Mandy Lane” but the two other girls in this movie are just as hot and were on stage for all to enjoy. And it was the first time they had seen the movie too! They all talked about how they thought they were doing some crappy low-budgey slasher movie and couldn't believe what was just screened. Also, Whitney Able (Chloe) talked about her soon to be famous scene as ‘doing it for the itty-bitty-titty club!’ Yes. You will enjoy. And Melissa Price (Marlin) takes something in the mouth that is bigger than any I’ve ever seen. Well anything I could provide anyways. And even though Amber Heard (Mandy Lane) was not there her bathing suit reveal scene made the audience applaud. Word is that at the end of the after party, those still around were treated to a re-enactment of the classic scene from Se7en were Brad Pitt shoots Kevin Spacey, care of Aaron Himmelstein (Red) and Michael Welch (Emmet). One on their knees and the other running at him with a pointed finger yelling, “Oh-gawd!!! NO!!!!” then yelling ‘switch’ and swapping roles. Now that’s a party game. I tried that once with “Ass Masters Vol 7” but soon realized that I was at a sausage party and The memories are too painful. I still have scars. Anyways rumor is that Harvey Weinstein was hustling the producers in the back alley immediately after the screening and a day later it was sold for quite a nice price! This is definitely a movie you will want to see. I give it FIVE Damns out of FIVE. Fantastic! -VanDammit!
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