Well gosh. $39.1 million dollars. THE WATERBOY. The saddest thing about it is I haven't had real great reviews, I haven't had real bad reviews... I just haven't been getting reviews. Which for me means that the film illicits little to no passion to write. Well, except for the Mighty Joe. He's decided to become the poet on this bathroom stall's wall. So without further ado, I'll let Hallenbeck pull out his permanent Sharpie and get to the printing... Here he goes....
Ode to The H20 Boy
'Tis a sad day in Hollywood, my movie going friend
For it seems good taste in this land has come to an end
That boy from the show that aired on Saturday Night
Took the Box Office Crown without much of a fight
It took Friday, Saturday...Sunday too
It pulled in the crowds up the wazoo!
I asked the Movie Gods, "Why is this so?"
They smiled at me and said, "Let it go."
"I can't! I can't!, For I don't understand
How a movie so mediocre can take over this land!"
"Who cares? Who gives a rat's ass? Who really gives a fuck?"
"Why, I do," I said, "For it shouldn't be making the bucks."
"Oh, you're a petty little man with no sense of humor
You probably didn't even laugh at that Harvey Keitel rumor"
"Now that was funny...that was clever
'Can't say the same for Adam's latest endeavor"
In the trailer they showed all the funny scenes...
A practice that's common in a town ruthless and mean.
I can't believe it opened this well
I'd be willing to bet it be snowing in Hell.
This Sandler fellow isn't a Big Box Office Star
So, I ask you movie Gods, "How did he get this far?"
He's mildly amusing, but that's as far as I'll go
His cd's aren't funny...neither was his show.
Enough about his act, that's not what concerns the Mighty Joe
It's the Box Office take...THAT'S where I'll go!
With the success of a movie that's so utterly lame
You know the boys in the 'Wood will jump in the game
They'll search high and low for stupid scripts
Ignoring the plot holes and lame ass quips
They'll throw together a mighty package deal
With a Big Star, a Director and a scribe who needs a meal
They'll collaborate on this hopeless mess
Of course, when it comes out, it's B.O. will be less.
H20 Boy is silly, but I found it to be lame
Unfortunately the film's a hit and we are to blame.
We shell out our hard earned money...our mula...our cash
When we could be spending it on cheap whores, beer and hash.
This process will continue, shit will be churned out
Bad movies will be made, THAT I'm sure about.
Guess who will suffer....who'll have to sit through this crap?
Why, US, OF COURSE, 'cause it's the only thing in our lap.
Plenty will come out, but most will suck
We are to blame for we give them the buck.
We must put our foot down and stop the success
Of movies like Waterboy and the upcoming Virus (okay, that's reaching).
The only way we can do that is to tell them what we need
Movies with intelligence, entertainment value...ones that will succeed.
Now that's just an opinion....what the hell do I know?
I'm just some Fan Boy....some internet schmoe.
Why did I write this? Why did I waste my time?
Was it to be funny? Was it 'cause I like to rhyme?
My fellow geeks, consider this a warning
A haunting vision of things to come on this lovely Monday Morning.
T.T.F.N.,
Joe Hallenbeck
