Well folks you are going to get after a BIG write up on getting my first STAR WARS EPISODE ONE TOY!!!!!! The tale is quite detailed, because if a single one of these things hadn’t happened... I would not have got the toy. And yes there will be some prequel news... a bit anyway!
The day began like any other. I was just getting access to some cash in my bank account from a check (from NEON magazine, I write for them now) that had just cleared, so I figured I’d go to the mall to see what masks were on sale. Ya see every year, after Halloween, I go to SPENCERS and buy one of their expensive masks for half off.
Father Geek, Tom Joad and I all rushed to the mall. Through the Dillard’s perfume section we darted. Stopping briefly at a make-up case we thought about getting my sister for Christmas. Joad was uncomfortable looking at a make-up case with three other dudes.
We went up a spiral staircase at Highland Mall here in Austin cause I wanted to go to SUNCOAST because I’m also searching for the McFarlane Monsters Toys (Leatherface, Sil, Michael Myers, etc) which I haven’t found anywhere.
Dad stops me saying we have to get to SPENCERS, before the cool masks sell. He’s right. So we accelerate to Mach 1 (in fat boy terms this means 4 mph). The smell of chocolate chip cookies is tempting.
I see a cool SPIRIT OF ST LOUIS style CD player in CIRCUIT CITY, but Dad pulls me away. I then rush to SPENCERS.
We get in, and sure enough decimation has ensued. I go to the wall of masks. Ya see I collect Monster and Halloween Masks, ever since I was a kid. I just love em, in all I have about 40. I look at a few, the first one I pick up is a CAT IN THE HAT mask, I have a hat, but I need the head. Alas, it is toooooo small for my bloated hat rack. I look at this one KENNY mask from SOUTH PARK, but I’m not about going to send money to SOUTH PARK. Joad jokes about a Quint mask which was this character that was blowing chunks all over the place. In fairly short order I pick up this mask of a Death Dealer, a cool big executioner style mask that I just dug. It was $50 but with the discount would come to about $20. Groovy.
We then look at the other Halloween stuff, play with the Dancing Baby toy, but then decide that they should all be burnt. My debit card took longer than usual, but it worked.
Next we went to the WARNER STORE, which in my opinion just friggin rocks. My god they had a Flying Monkey Beanie Doll from THE WIZARD OF OZ... toooooo coooooooool. Oh man, the MYSTERY MACHINE COOKIE JAR... but upon closer examination that bastard Scrappy is pictured in one window. Damn sacrilege!!! Then we end up back in the animation section googling over all the cool BATMAN cels, the singing serigraphs, the waaaaay toooo expensive models of ‘kill da wabbit’ Elmer and Bugs... Ahhhhhhh, too cool. We notice the store’s excessive push of TWEETY.
Leaving the Warner Store without a purpose, our natural arc, the path through the mall, would take us to the KAYBEE TOYS.
I walk in. I have no extrasensory perception detectable at all as I walk in. This is not usually the case when I find something sooo incredibly super fucking cool like this.
Like I said... I walk in... And I walk directly to the STAR WARS toys like every good geek should. I walk right on up them and start perusing. Nothing really new. So I move along the Marvels, nothing new, to the Mighty Ducks discounts, Dad makes a purchase, to the ANTZ toys, where again Dad makes a purchase, then down to the second aisle of action figures. Cool, new ROBOCOP toys... all of which were lame! Then on to the McFarlane Toys, already had em all.
SO I begin making my way back when I see a GHOSTBUSTER Car... Cooool... Almost got that. But I decide it’s not entirely necessary, and KAYBEE is a bit expensive... ie about 20% higher than every other store. I move back up to the STAR WARS section and there I see a BIGGS toy. Somehow I had overlooked it. I hand it to Tom Joad, who makes oogling noises. Then...
I see some STAR WARS Skateboards and I start to point and laugh... when I see....
OH MY GOD! IT CAN’T BE! GASP!
I don’t even remember reaching for it, but it was in my hands. A STAP with BATTLEDROID from EPISODE ONE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!1
This was a QUASI-RELIGIOUS Experience.
MY GOD. I was holding... something... real... I had a PREQUEL TOY! I muh muh mean th th thissss wasssss reallly hap hap happennnnning.
I started shaking. Tears began rolling out of my skull. This was unthinkable. I thought these things weren’t coming out for another month at least. For some reason Joad doesn’t pick one up. I think he’s trying to process what it is.
Without a single other thought, I walk to the checkout register and buy it. It goes in a bag. I leave the store and head for the exit... I think.
Ya see at this point it becomes a daze, the next thing I remember is tearing open the box and untwisting all the twistee thingees to get my toy free. I am 8 years old and this is my BOBA FETT toy I sent off for.
Ya see... When I got my Boba Fett toy, the one that was supposed to shot the rocket. Well when I got that toy, I realized there were really more STAR WARS films.
I think that’s why I do what I do. Because of that BOBA FETT toy. I like to know stuff is real, I like to have tangible evidence. Things before my eyes. Stuff to make me believe that the things I love are really happening. These thoughts are filling my head as I frustratingly try to free my toy.
Lots and lots of cusswords are uttered. I hate twistee thingees. They are made by sadists. Finally I get my toy free. I hold the STAP WITH BATTLEDROID and I try to make it do something.
I hold in in my hand and I go to make it go WHOOSH, when suddenly I get a very dumb look on my face.
I realized I have a toy that I don’t know what it sounds like. I don’t know how it moves. I don’t know the sounds of the droid, the tone of it’s voice. And then I was humbled by the toy.
Ya see, I know that the Staps are seen after about the first 10 minutes of EPISODE ONE. I know they are in the swamps of Naboo. I know they (two of em) first Burst out of the mist chasing Obi-Wan through the swamp firing “laser bolts” at Obi-Wan. I know they move at a high speed. But beyond that sort of thing, I don’t know anything.
I don’t know if they are up at tree top levels then swoop down after OBI-WAN. I don’t know if this color scheme is an accurate representation. I don’t know what the John Williams music behind the action sounds like. I WANNA KNOW WHAT THIS TOY SOUNDS LIKE!!!!!!!
Oh god, as I sat there playing with it, it just killed me. I mean... this is a PREQUEL TOY. The electricity of that very concept sent shockwaves through me. I instantly ran home and called every friend I knew that would want this toy. At least I think I did.
Copernicus and Johnny Wad came over and we each took turns playing with it, making the ‘laser bolts’ fire. Making the Battle Droid twitch with the hypodermic needle style function. I try to explain what it does in the film, but really... this is the exact sort of thing Lucas doesn’t go into detail in the script about. He doesn’t describe the sounds, he doesn’t describe their flight path, he doesn’t talk about the color of the lasers they shoot. He doesn’t say MUSIC CUE, or a “RASPY MECHANICAL SOUND” he just plays out the bare minimums.
GO NOW!
Get ye to the nearest toy stores. In AUSTIN at 1620 hours at the Highland Mall KAYBEE TOYS they had 3 left. Check your KAYBEE, your TARGETS, TOYS R US’, your WAL-MARTS, your fave Toy Places... They exist, they are out there.
Feel the energy the toy feels you with. Feel the awe the toy makes you have as you play out in your mind what it does... especially since ya don’t really know. Make a thousand goofy noises and imagine one going with it. Make videos of it against your own homemade NABOO SWAMP. Play with the little bastard, that’s what the Toy Gods made it for.
The Prequels are really happening. This is your tangible evidence. It’s a real thingee that you can go WHOOSH with. I’m gonna do one more update and stop after this one. This is just too cool to just not play with!
BY THE WAY... once you get it put on all the Star Wars music you can, and try to imagine... this toy... none of that music will play during it. NEW MUSIC THAT YOU WILL ONE DAY LISTEN TO WITH THE REVERENCE YOU ARE LISTENING TO THAT MUSIC... THAT WILL BE THE MUSIC THIS TOY HAS! My god it's all real.
Good Luck... and may the force be with you...
