Well gosh, I had about 200 people write in asking for what I did on Halloween. Before I start this, and before you begin writing, I just want to warn ya. There is NO NEWS WHATSOEVER IN THE FOLLOWING REPORT! No hooking up with FAMOUS people. No overheard conversations about the PREQUELS. This is not news. So if you read beneath this paragraph it because you are curious what an obese red-headed fella did on October 31st, 1998. And that’s what you are going to get.

ROBOGEEK SAYS ABOUT THE FOLLOWING:

“This is 3200 words about NOTHING!”

Halloween... 1998...

Rain... no make that torrential rain is forecast by Eleven o’clock tonight. This meant canceling the backyard Halloween film party that was going to show hours and hours of UNIVERSAL HORROR FILMS in 16mm.

Bummer. I was really in the mood to do this. Soooooo.....

I had to come up with something else.

Now this usually means a fantastic on the cuff of the moment fun is going to happen. Last minute substitutions for extreme partying... Only good can come, because it is making something out of nothing.

So I called up the core unit of the Geek Fun Squad.

Tom Joad, Annette Kellerman, Quint, Johnny Wad, RoRo, Father Geek and myself. (Yes, I often call myself)

The plan became... Get to Harry’s house in costume ASAP. Details to come.

I, myself, did not have a costume. I never do. I always throw it together at the last second, never basing it on some filmic reference, but rather, I like creating a new cool looking character.

So into the bathroom (aka the thought room) I went. Upon the throne of knowledge I sat... staring at the Betty Boop shower curtain and pondering the possibilities of dressing as a Betty Boop shower curtain. When my eyes took hold of an old mask made of straw (aka hay) and my mind began thinking.

I had the funky straw hat from my journey to BANFF, I have a plaid longsleeve shirt, I had boots... I would become a cool as hell scarecrow. Then Dad came in with my Davy Crockett style coat with shreds of leather hanging from the arms, like some sort of Steven Seagal prop. My eyes were set back into the mask so no pupils could be seen, and my mouth was invisible as well. Looking in the mirror, given my wide ass... well I looked pretty good.

Dad begins throwing together a pumpkin head costume. Looked pretty darn cool.

About this time ERNIE (from Sesame Street) showed up with BARBARELLA. Huh huh huh huh cooooooool. This now proves that Ernie is not purely homosexual, but is at least Bi.

They hang around for awhile, then head off to Sixth Street here in Austin. A place of insanity.

RoRo arrives in a full Fencing outfit. Mask, glove, white uniform. He’s badass looking in the thing.

Then Quint comes as a zombie, maggots crawling out of his flesh, his red contacts, giving the ultimate Christopher Lee bloodshot hell look. Mud and grass in his hair, his face pale. Blood running down his face.

Annette Kellerman arrives as Mia from PULP FICTION with a hypo sticking out of her chest. Coooooooooooooooooooooooooool!!!!!!!!!!! All of a sudden several really cool sexual images pop into my head, but immediately are forgotten when she unzips my... Oh wait, that was just in my head. Dang it.

Then Tom Joad walks in with an overcoat and a Hunter S Thompson style hat. He flashes open his trench coat and a 4 foot penis comes flying up from his crotch. Perfectly colored and textured, this uncircumsized gargantuan was causing drool and a nosebleed from Annette. (NOT) However, Quint was another matter.

We step out of the house. PumpkinHead, Scarecrow, Fencer-man, Zombie-dude, Cock-Man and Mia from Pulp Fiction. Johnny Wad was nowhere in sight. SO we left him.

After absconding with some candy from some friends that stopped us before we left our yard, we just scored two bags of candy from Seniorita MoonShine.

Then it was to the City Buses. In case some sort of alcholic haze were to fall across us, there would be no drunken driving. We would be at the mercy of city transportation. (HEY KIDS, LISTEN UP!!! DON’T DRINK AND DRIVE! this public service announcement was brought to you by hours of television brainwashing on late night channels)

Riding a public bus on Halloween is just too much fun. Firstly you have the regular insane people that ride the bus talking to phantoms and hallucinations on a day to day basis. But then when the bus has actual talking pumpkinheads and scarecrows and women with hypos coming out of their chests and men with 4 foot long unclothed peckers... well... It’s what keeps those regular insane types insane for the next year.

I just imagine getting on the bus the next day, and the fella is sitting there talking to the little blue fairy floating above his head and telling her about the 4 foot limp phallus on the bus. Nuns will skirt away from this man, children will cower. And we, our group would be the source for his mental tortured hell. I take solice in that. Cool.

It was two stops before Dorthy and Wendy (the fast food one) got on the bus. Then two stops till we picked up a flapper, an indian, a ghost and a Cleopatra. Three stops went by before we picked up Dana Scully and an obsessed homeless man that was so excited by the win that U.T. had over Nebraska that he began screaming out NCAA Statistics, trying to verify rushing records, and yards till Ricky Williams beats Tony Dorsett’s Record. This guy was excited.

Then he noticed Dana Scully’s FBI badge and started wigging out on her. He started talking about FBI conspiracies, about the evil tests they do on people. About electronic implants at birth. Ya know, the truth that’s out there. Dana, of course, was in complete agreement, saying how she’s a part of a special team out to uncover the truth that’s out there. Asking for how to get a hold of him, to pull back the curtain of falsehoods that have been perpetrated against the American public for half a century.

She then gave him 5 cigarettes, and he left the bus. Tom Joad and Annette were sharing that ‘eyeball laugh’ with me. Where we just knew we were dying.

Meanwhile, Father Geek was at the back of the bus sitting between two insane people that were talking to the multiple faces in his pumpkinhead. He would answer every now and again.

The bus had to take a major detour because of the rioting going on in the campus area. Buses were being used as surfboards by rowdy costumed college rampagers.

When we finally arrived at 6th street and Congress. We gathered. Looked at each other. And then walked into the maelstorm of madness.

Within half a block, this hispanic lady had placed her 2 week old infant in my arms and was having me pose for pictures. The kid never opened his eyes. The mother was excitedly speaking Spanish faster than my ol ENIAC brain could decipher.

As I was passing a group of 5 seemingly identical women, but with different shades of pastel hair colors, the thought hit me that the mask I was wearing is used in a FERTILITY DANCE by farmers in Mexico. So, I go up to Annette and say, “Hey baby, wanna do a Fertility god?”

She rolls her eyes at me. She wants me, I know.

Tom Joad is flashing his pecker at the prettier women in the crowd that all give it a stroke or two. Joad would then feign a mini-orgasm and shiver.

Father Geek is being hit in the head by people wondering if his pumpkinhead is a real pumpkin, thus knocking his head around.

RoRo is walking around like them android dudes in BLACK HOLE, but in white.

Quint is staring his blood red eyes into small children till they begin crying. He’d say stuff like, “I know where you live!!!!” Waaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaah!!!

People kept taking pictures of our group. See it seems that while there were 150,000 people around, perhaps only 100,000 were in costume, meaning the amount of mundane wastes of skin were visible.

Sheeshus, just give me 30 minutes in anybody’s closet or garage, and I’ll have a costume ready to go. It ain’t hard or expensive. Sheesh.

Large groups of men begin propositing Annette. We keep her from accepting.

We make one/half of a lap, and decide to take a break. Wipe the sweat out of our eyes (the ones in masks.) and join the group at a different point in the madness.

We see BRIDE OF FRANKENSTEINS, big busted alien chicks in silver lamet, Boba Fett, Vader, Zorro, The Flinstones in the Flintstone mobile, convicts with viking helmets with light-up horns, Alex’s gang from Clockwork Orange, Dr Doom, many many cheerleaders and french maids and Catwomen, a guy being carryed by a gorilla in a cage. There were the Harlem Globetrotters, Dia De Los Muertos Makeup, the gang from Wizard of Oz, Oompa Loompas.

There was a smell of drunken booze gulpers in the air. In all.... it was madness. Pushing, shoving, apologies and cheap feels and flashers and exhibitionists.... aaaaaaah, heaven.

After we finished a whole round, we hopped back on a bus, hoping to miss the flood. Father Geek was just glad to remove the hotbox that Alec Guinness was in from BRIDGE OVER THE RIVER KWAI from his head. The bus was basically empty on the way back up to our area of town. And so we sat, relaxed and prepared for PART TWO....

PART TWO

Upon arriving at Geek Headquarters, I instantly changed clothes, scrubbed the sweat off and got out with the tape of ARMY OF DARKNESS with the alternate ending and 14 minutes of new stuff, a can of Penguin Caffeinated Peppermints, a bag of candy, my Scooby Doo phone book, and myself.

We got in cars and traversed to the Joad Abode.

I HAD A PLAN.

And while I’m sure that at some level it included fun things with Annette, it did not hinge on mud wrestling or any other types of contact sports. Tom Joad and Annette were taking care of a few supplies while I got the principles in place and ready to go.

Joad and Annette arrived with a couple of liters of Vodka, 7-Up, candy, chips, cheese. There was wine and Shiner Boch.

Annette, being the queen of liquids, became the chief mixer of the night. RoRo decided to leave, and Quint being underage was the designated sober person that would make fun of everyone.

Now, when you have a small intimate group of friends, 2 liters of Vodka... well, DRINKING GAMES come up. So what follows are some of Harry’s favorite Halloween Drinking Games.

To get things started, I kicked it off with

HARRY’S DAWN OF THE DEAD DRINKING GAME!

RULES:

1. Everytime Someone Gets Shot In The Head - GULP.

2. Everytime A Zombie Bites Human Flesh - GULP.

3. When Someone Has An Empty Glass. Everyone Must Empty Their Glass.

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Now the idea of the game is pretty simple. GET DRUNK. It’s kinda like Monopoly... GET RICH, but in a much more satisfying way. Annette was at a decidedly unfair disadvantage, ya see she weighs about 15 lbs. And Tom Joad is like 45lbs. Me... Well I got all the lbs. SO I was sure to be the loser here.

By the opening 30 minutes we had downed to big mugs of Vodka and 7-Up. Then the cleaning out of the mall and the parking of the semis... well that was two more mugs. Then the final sequence erupted in 2 more mugs.

We were happy people. We were glad people. The world was real good. I liked the world. Around this time Annette started staring at the 4 ft cotton ball filled panty-hosed skinned rod of fertility like a plastic-wrapped candy cane on a summer’s afternoon.

I began getting that, drunken hillbilly look, and Joad.... well he was in fact a drunken hillbilly. We sat there teasing Ms Kellerman something fierce. Quint. Well he was pretty much just watching us and laughing.

2ND GAME

HARRY’S VAMPYROS LESBOS DRINKING GAME!

RULES:

1. When two pairs of naked exposed breasts appear on screen.... GLUG.

2. When nude vampire sucks blood... GLUG

3. When a one’s glass was empty, everyone’s glass must be emptied.

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Well, I don’t remember much about this film, other than constantly drinking and refilling of glasses.

The conversation turned to our interest in Porno. We each began lamenting the current state of the Porn Industry. The focusing of the mechanics of sex as opposed to what we thought was the far more sensual side which was reaction shots. The looks on faces, the honest intimacy, the passion. Not fleshy pistons and valves. It’s not supposed to be tool time.

We began comparing notes about what we had each learned and hadn’t learned from porn. Joad and I had a theory about two types of guys in the universe.

1. Guys that like lesbian scenes because you have twice the nude women on screen and none of the nude men.

2. Guy that thought lesbian sex scenes held the secret to intimate pleasurings and inquiring minds like theirs wanna know.

We then found out that some women watched porn to see if they were doing things right.

Then we all began to really get disturbed by the amount of knowledge we gained from something that we all didn’t hold in a very high esteem.

Then I noted that I learned ethics, morality and big words from Marvel and D.C. Comics. And then we started talking about what sort of superhero women most fantasized about doing.

Annette and I both started cracking up when in sync we said, “Flash is too fast.” And it went on from there. I think we all settled that MR FANTASTIC or PLASTIC MAN would be the best superhero lover for a woman. Though, I’m sure personality wise there are other superheroes that women love more.

The movie had been over for 30 minutes before any of us even realized it. So deciding we needed to put something in that we all wanted to pay attention to, because after all... we’re supposed to be paying attention.... well we decided to put on....

3RD FILM

Japanese LaserDisc ARMY OF DARKNESS with extra scenes and ‘original’ ending DRINKING GAME!

RULES:

1. Anytime ASH says anything cool.... DRINK

2. Anytime anything cool happens.... DRINK

3. Anytime a new scene or something different happens.... DRINK

4. When anyone’s glass is empty, everyone’s glass is empty.

After thirty minutes of the film... we were out of Vodka, so we started in on the Shiner Bock, knowing full well that if we were to touch the wine... We would most certainly be doomed, since mixing wine and hard liquior is a mixture for brain hurting.

I seem to remember a scene where he gets in the mill, and the light of the sun coming in through the cracks of the boards and stuff begins shifting around in impossible ways, instead of just jumping to him stoking the fire. Also the “LONDON BRIDGE” part was gone. “Good... Bad... I’m the one with the gun!” is gone.

The ending was very very cool. There were points where 3 or 4 gulps were required.

In all we loved this version of ARMY OF DARKNESS, or at least we think we loved it. Quint liked it, but then he was sober, so his opinion is to be disregarded because well he’s not the type to succumb to peer pressure, so how cool can he be?

This film drained the rest of our alcohol, and we didn’t want to get into the wine. We were all speaking in what seemed to be Haiku style gibberish.

We opened the door to see the sun pouring through the sheets of rain. Sun... evil... light... ARGH!!!

We shut the doors and put on funky gore trailers, CANNIBAL GIRLS and something insanely gross called GUNIEA PIG. However, nothing really seemed real at this point, because well it wasn’t. There were snoring bodies, lumps of expired humans breathing in and out.

I spent about 30 minutes gargling water to try to get rid of “LIQUOIR MOUTH” that grotesque nasty yuck yuck mouth. Upon coming back in... well I died. Hours later I awoke. Annette had to leave so we all did the “OOOOOH WE MISS ANNETTE DANCE” and wished her a farewell till the next time.

If Annette Kellerman is in your class, give her straight A’s and perfect attendence records and send her back to Austin instantly. Annette, introduce yourself to your profs and fast and easy grades will come quickly. Hahahahahaa.... the power of suggestion. Deep sleep, heavy eyes... tick tock tick tock.... heh heh heh....

WELL....

That was Halloween. As you can see, it was probably like yours or any number of other people’s Halloween experiences. Perhaps it was lamer, perhaps it was cooler. I don’t know, cause this was just my experience. And until next year Happy Halloween!