Ahoy, squirts! Quint here. Just out of the 2nd day of Comic-Con. Boy, it wrapped up with a bang today with New Line's SNAKES ON A PLANE/TENACIOUS D/PLEASE BUY OUR FINAL DESTINATION 3 DVD panel.

PLEASE BUY OUR FINAL DESTINATION 3 DVD

They brought out James Wong (director), Ryan Merriman and Mary Elizabeth Winstead (actors) to pimp the DVD coming next week. I didn't much care for the flick (aside from the really neat death scenes, which some would argue is all these movies are anyway... I'd beg to differ, but that's another rant for another day), but the idea behind the DVD is interesting. They have 7 points in the film where you can alter the course of the story... a sort of choose your own adventure. They shot alternate footage all throughout filming in order to make this work. You can even save some characters if you pick the right option (yes or no, step left or right, etc). Still not cool enough to make me buy this, but still interesting.

TENACIOUS D IN THE PICK OF DESTINY

This really rocked. There was a video intro by JB and Kyle (said like that. Jack rolled his eyes and said, "If I say I'm JB then you're KG." "I'm KG!") Jack Black said the movie is "so b'dass (pronounced bid-ass). It's guaranteed to blow your balls back into your ass... and keep 'em there." Then, unexpectedly they rolled a clip. A full Tenacious D song called KICKAPOO, which opens the movie.

It opens in the past, a small town called Kickapoo in Iowa. "A long ass-fuckin' time ago in a town called Kickapoo. There lived a humble family, religious through and through..." cut into the house with a family praying around a table. A mom, an upstanding child, the father (Meatloaf) and an empty place setting. "But yay there was a black sheep... and he knew just what to doooo. His name was young JB and he refused to step in line. A vision he could see him fuckin' rockin' all the time. He wrote a tasty jam and all the planets did align" A young JB jumps out into the hallway (guitar and everything), right in front of the kitchen table. This kid was fuckin' awesome. He nailed Jack Black's mannerisms, facial expressions... if I didn't know any better I'd say they mo-capped JB and created the most realistic CG character ever. This kid was insane. He sang the following bit, but every time we saw this kid sing it was Jack Black's voice coming from him. The lip sync was perfect, though.

"Oh, the dragon's balls are blazin' as I stepped into his cave. Then I sliced his fuckin' cockles with a long and shiny blade. 'Twas I that fucked a dragon, fuck a-lie, fuck a-loo and if you try to fuck with me than I shall fuck you, too."

The mom at the table looked ashamed, the upstanding older brother looked shocked and Meatloaf was pissed. He stood up from the table, taking his belt off. He grabs JB and the next shot is him in JB's room whipping the kid's butt. He then goes around tearing up the room, ripping posters from the walls. Queen, Metallica, etc. All represented. He then has his own song, a really funny knock on the Oliver Reed TOMMY rock opera dad.

"You disobeyed my orders, son, why were you ever born? Your brother's 10 times better than you. Jesus loves him more. This music that you play for us comes from the depths of hell. Rock N Roll's the devil's work, he wants you to rebel. You've become a mindless puppet, Beelzebub will pull the strings. You heart will lose direction and chaos he will bring. Gotta watch your tone! You're grounded for a week, no telephone. Don't let me hear you pout, don't lemme hear you moan. You gotta pray some more if you're in my home!"

Meatloaf leaves, every poster on the wall ripped down. He slams the door, revealing an unscathed poster of Dio lounging on a throne surrounded by fire. Young JB clasps his hands and, praying, sings this:

"Dio, can you hear me? I am lost and so alone. I'm askin' for your guidance, would you come down from your throne? I need a tight compadre who will teach me how to rock. My father thinks you're evil, but, man, he can suck a cock. Rock is not the devil's work, it's magical and it's rad. I'll never rock as long as I'm stuck here with my dad.

The Dio poster comes alive, the flames licking and Dio himself rises from the throne and sings back to young JB.

"I hear you brave young Jables. You're hungry for the rock! But to learn the ancient methods secret doors you must unlock. Escape your father's clutches and this oppressive neighborhood. On a journey you must go to find the land of Hollywood. And in the city of fallen angels, when the ocean meets the sand, you will form a strong alliance and the world's most awesome band. To find your fame and fortune through the valley you must walk. You will face your inner demons (two demon eyes open over his shoulder). Now, go my son and rock!!!"

What followed was a montage of young JB stealing money from his dad's wallet, packing up clothes, his guitar and sneaking out the window. Then an animated map of him traveling for years and years to all the Hollywoods in the US... Florida, Tennessee, through Texas, over a rattlesnake in Arizona and finally landing in LA.

This footage is everything I wanted to see in a TENACIOUS D movie. I can not fuckin' wait for this one. November 17th can not arrive soon enough.

SNAKES ON A MUTHAFUCKIN' PLANE

Ah, the big geek out of the day. On the panel were Jules Sylvester (snake wrangler supreme), David R. Ellis, Keenan Thompson (who moderated the whole New Line presentation) and Samuel L. Jackson... and bunch of snakes.

Jules Sylvester brought out 4 snakes. First was a baby 8 foot albino Burmese Python. Then he brought out a regular Burmese python about that same age and size... Then Elsa, a Giant Burmese Python... last, but not least, was what he called a "real snake." He and 4 other guys carried out a real life honest to god Anaconda. Keenan freaked out a little bit. Jules: "Let's set it down on the stage..." Audience: "Don't put it down!!!" They did anyway and some smartass from the audience yelled out, "Snake on a Stage!" Everybody laughed.

Then they showed a clip... 10 minutes from the film. Before it ran Ellis talked about not releasing a regular trailer or having any press screenings... not because the film isn't good, but because he wants all the fans to be the first to see it. I don't buy that for a second. That doesn't mean I think it's going to be a crappy movie, but I think the studio is afraid of losing the massive buzz with tons of negative reviews. We know that even if this film is everything we want as fans, critics will shit all over it. So, here's the clip:

There really isn't much specific I can tell you. It starts with a stewardess going to check on the pilots, the plane's lost power and is nose diving towards the ocean. She goes into the cockpit and no one's there. There's a panel on the floor open. She looks in and a snake is right on the inside. It strikes at her and she jumps back. The snake crawls out and terrorizes her a bit. It cuts to the rest of the plane, going crazy. Snakes everywhere: Falling out of the emergency breathing masks, slithering along the floors, on the backs of seats. People are getting bit left and right by all types of snakes. Sam Jackson runs around with a taser gun, zapping at the smaller snakes.

Keenan and friends try to escape their section of the cabin. Keenan rips off a traytable and starts beating on snakes. One of them jumps up and bites him on the butt and hangs on. He screams. One of his friends says, "You have a snake hangin' off your ass" and pulls it off.

A nasty yellow poisonous looking snake coils up and bites a dude who fell while trying to go upstairs. Sam Jackson comes strolling up, grabs it and whips it against the stairs. He calls for everybody to get upstairs (it's safer, he says). A giant Anaconda falls through a glass structure by the stairs, freaking the shit out of everybody trying to rush up the stairs. The bannister breaks, dozens fall. The Anaconda (we see it's POV and it's all green) sees a man, sneaks up on him and squeezes the shit out of him.

Back in the cockpit the stewardess is still fighting with the nasty snake in there. She finds a fire ax on the wall (standard on all intercontinental flights, I guess...) and starts swinging at the fucker. Sam Jackson walks in and almost gets an ax point to the jaw as she raises it up once more. The snake is taken care of, they pull out of nose dive, narrowly avoiding a "water landing." He goes down in hold to get the power back on. The stewardess gives him a make-shift flame-thrower (aerosol can with lighter taped to it). He notes that someone set up the hold to be breached, releasing the snakes that were below. Finds the box he needs, finds a snake, torches it, returns to the box and can't lift the handle. So, he sifts through luggage, finding a diver's bag.

He takes the diver's knife and slips it into his belt and grabs a metal and rubber stick-looking thing and uses that to hit the switch in place. The lights come on, everybody's happy. We realize Sam Jackson's holding a spear gun. A surprise snake attacks him and he runs for it. He falls, but uses the spear gun to get rid of the bastard chasing him. The end.

The snakes looked real CGI. They move too fast and are way too brightly colored to be taken seriously... but this is SNAKES ON A PLANE. It's all out fun snakesploitation, so crappy effects only add to the cheese factor that makes this movie so anticipated.

Samuel L. Jackson comes out at this point and the audience was totally in love with him. He was hilarious on the panel. Here are some tidbits:

- Sam Jackson had a "20 foot clause" in his contract stating that all live snakes were to be kept 20 feet from him at all times during shooting. He said he personally didn't have a fear of snakes, but his agent sure did. Keenan said, "I didn't have that clause." Jackson says back, "You should get a better agent."

- Over 500 snakes are on the plane.

- Question from the audience: "What's tougher to kill? A shark or a snake?" Sam Jackson: "I had no opportunity to kill any sharks. Shark killed my ass..."

- Someone asked Jackson if he will work with new directors. Jackson replied that he'll consider anything, he likes to work. He figured the young guy was asking about his own movie. "Sounds like you have a film, but not a checkbook." The young guy shrugs and says, "Yeah, basically." Jackson says, "What's your sister look like?" Place erupts with laughter. The kid says, "Oh, damn." More laughter. Jackson says, "What about your mother?" Even more laughter.

- Someone else asked if they really believed snakes would act like they do in this movie. "Fuck yeah they will... We check with fuckin' snake experts all over the world and they agree..." if snakes were on a plane this movie would happen.

- One of my favorite bits was near the end of the panel when someone asked Sam Jackson if he thought those snakes in the clip really deserved to die. Jackson says, "Hell yeah!" Then he paused for a second, smiled and said, "Yes they deserved to die and I hope they Burn In Hell!!!!" The place exploded then. People went fuckin' nuts.

There you have it. New Line's panel. Have some stuff to knock out tonight, including SUPERMAN RETURNS stuff, Donner's SUPERMAN 2 footage, tons of Fox footage including BORAT, which was the fucking hands down funniest thing I've seen this year. Stay tuned for that!

-Quint
quint@aintitcool.com