Ok, take the idea of the sequence in EVIL DEAD 2 where Bruce Campbell's right hand (I think that's right) is possessed and turn it into a feature film starring a buncha SCREAM-AGERS and bam ya have a movie. Is it any good? Well shucks you'll have to read to find that out. Remember though, this is just the opinion of one fella (just for the record the gent didn't care for the latest Trek film as well, if that helps you to gauge his tastes) So onto the review....
Wanted to send you a review of the film IDLE HANDS, a 'comedy about a boy who finds that his hand has been possessed by the devil and is committing mass murder'.
I'm not kidding. That's what the film is about. I went to a screening of this gem of a film Tuesday night. While I was standing in line for that, I was asked whether I wanted to go and see Star Trek the next night. In order to do so, however, I'd have to wait until the end of the film and get my passes from the lady after I was done with my 'report' to the screening folk.
It was only those passes that let me even THINK about staying past the first ten minutes. Had I known that I would then see ST and hate it, I could have saved myself 4 hours of my life and skipped both. The trials of trying to see GOOD movies.
Spoilers below. Beware.
So this movie begins with two well-known TV stars (One from Real People, one from the Torkelsons) as Mom and Dad. They get into bed and turn off the light, only to scream when they see that someone has painted "I am under the Bed" in glow-in-the-dark paint. VERY original. They both die.
Then we find the hero of the film, a stoner who has no life and fails to notice his parents are dead (AND in the living room) for several days. We eventually meet his best friends, and the girl he apparently has true love for (this is important, because that true love saves her from being cast into hell. I am not making this up).
When his two friends come over, he kills them. Why? Because his hand has apparently been possessed by the devil. It attacks on its own, while still connected to him. Now the actor playing this kid had some great physical ability--the hand DID seem to have a life of its own. Too bad the script didn't.
Eventually we meet Vivica Fox, who plays a Druidic Princess who knows what is actually going on with this possession, and why it is happening, and how to stop it. She hooks up at one point with a Heavy Metal, tattooed punk who actually recognizes that the music just uses Demonic phrases and images because it appeals to kids like him, and of course, they all try and figure out how to stop the evil demon-possessed hand.
You see, Idle Hands are the devil's playthings. Get it?
This IS meant to be a humorous horror film. I will give them that. Unfortunately, it's not a GOOD humorous horror film. It's just long. Stupid. Dumb. And unoriginal.
More than that, it makes up the rules as it goes along. And while that can be fun (Army of Darkness for instance)--the writing has to be CLEVER for that creation to be believed. Here, I just wondered who in the hell paid MONEY to make this movie?
And while I'm on it, who in their right MIND let the director of Dawson's Creek make this movie? The man is obviously a filmic idiot. The movies wasn't done creatively. It wasn't done to even play with the stereotypes of horror movies. It was just shot like a TV show. Masters and close-ups.
The only good thing in this movie was the love interest. She was incredibly cute. We never got to see her naked, dammit, but at least I could pay attention when she was on the screen. And the scene where our hero (see? I can't even remember their names, it was so dumb)--the scene where our hero stops his hand from killing the girl by tying it to her bedpost--and then she believes that to be kinky and sleeps with him--that scene was funny.
The rest of the film was not. AVOID AT ALL COSTS.
Unless, of course, you are one of those people who can only have one thought in their head at a time. I sat next to two of them through this movie. Every time someone would say, "Let's go kill the hand!" they would say, "Dude! They're gonna go and kill the hand!" They loved this movie. And they were asked to stay afterwards and talk to the director.
Can anyone else but me see why movies SUCK these days? The IDIOTS next to me are what they are hoping to make the movies for. Perhaps Paramount showed ST Insurrection to these two, as well. That would explain why THAT movie sucked, too.
That's it. Idle Hands is something you will, if you have ANY brains in your head, avoid--at least until it hits video. Then you can go and watch the cute babe. Me, I'm gonna contact the company that made it and get her name and cast her in something a little more private...
Hey, Call me Insurrection Blues...reporting to you live, from downtown Hollywood.
