I am – Hercules.

“DEAL OR NO DEAL” returns to NBC with five shows running all this week, then becomes a weekly series starting next Monday. Spoilers for tonight’s new “Deal or No Deal” lurk in the text invisible: The first contestant is Peter Monsanti, who works on a SWAT squad in Las Vegas. The 26 “case girls” (at least one of them named “Casey”!) all wear identical black minidresses. Monsanti initially thinks the million dollars is in case 24. He opens the cases in this order (SUPER-SPOILER HERE, obviously): 19. 15. 9. 4. 3. 22. 11. 26. 1. 17. 5. 6. 2. 13. 7. 16. 14. 18. 23. 8. 12. Monsanti consults with Donald Trump, there to plug tonight’s fifth season premiere of “The Apprentice.” Trump advises him to turn down the deal. Monsanti takes Trump’s advice. Case 25 is opened. The Dude in the Glass Booth comes to offer Monsanti more money than anyone else has ever been offered. Monsanti turns it down, completely freaking out Monsanti’s wife. Case 21 is opened. Then some other stuff happens.

The next contestant is a minister and mother of two named Cheryl Jackson. Her first 11 cases are 4, 2, 14, 1, 22, 12, 15, 13, 18, 7 and 21. Then time runs out and she’s invited to continue on the Tuesday show. As usual, I sat through the entire thing spellbound.

The other show airing tonight I’m ashamed to say I couldn’t look away from is that “APPRENTICE” premiere. (NBC gave us both tonight’s and next week’s installment. Unlike the screener for the season-opener of “Survivor” – which gets better ratings – the “Apprentice” screener left the eliminations intact.)

The two teams – eventually dubbed “Synergy” and “Gold Rush” - are not divided by gender. A schoolyard pick on the runway of a New York airport creates the teams. There are again many gorgeous young women among the candidates. You can get a gander at Allie, Andrea, Charmaine, Leslie, Roxanne, Stacy, Summer, Tammy and Theresa here.

The early standouts though, are male:
* Tarek, 27, a MENSA member Trump chooses as a first-episode project manager;
* Brent, 30, a portly lawyer seemingly disliked by all the thin teammates; and
* Lenny, 37, an irritable no-nonsense Uzbecki stockbroker.

Daughter Ivanka Trump (both a fashion model and a business school grad!) represents a huge improvement in the second episode when she’s brought in to replace Carolyn Kepcher, who inevitably comes across as a condescending, sycophantic and charmless know-nothing. Ivanka’s a doll. Let’s hope Trump lets Carolyn spend more time at her real job, managing two of his golf courses.

“Deal or No Deal”: 8 p.m. Monday. NBC.
“The Apprentice”: 9 p.m. Monday. NBC.

Learn more of Ivanka Trump and her ilk!! Born Rich!!

The extra-cheap “Buffy” slimsets (all the episodes and extras at a fraction of the price) ship May 30!!

“Buffy” pricing if you must have your season-sets now:
$29.99 The Complete First Season
$44.99 The Complete Second Season
$44.99 The Complete Third Season
$44.99 The Complete Fourth Season
$44.99 The Complete Fifth Season
$44.99 The Complete Sixth Season
$39.96 The Complete Seventh Season

“Buffy” pricing if you can order now but wait three and a half months for delivery:
$27.99 The Complete First Season
$27.99 The Complete Second Season
$27.99 The Complete Third Season
$27.99 The Complete Fourth Season
$27.99 The Complete Fifth Season
$27.99 The Complete Sixth Season
$27.99 The Complete Seventh Season