I am – Hercules!!

Seth McFarlane, the mastermind behind “Family Guy” and “American Dad,” has written a live-action pilot for Fox. It’s a sitcom about a jobless thirtysomething who still lives at home with his parents.

Longtime AICN spy "Derek Flint" has read the pilot and shares his findings:

Dear Herc:

I consider your running my review as a public service to lovers of good TV everywhere.

Seth McFarlane's "Becoming Glen"

First off, let me state that I'm not a fan of “Family Guy.” I don't hate it with a passion like a lot of people do; I just don't think it’s very good. I enjoy whenever “The Simpsons” mocks it for plagiarism. “American Dad,” the less said the better. The best jokes on it seemed ripped off from “Sledge Hammer.”

So, it was with mild curiosity that I was handed the script for Seth McFarlane’s first “live action” TV project, a comedy pilot for Fox called “Becoming Glen.” It’s written by Ricky Blitt, a “writer” who gave us the recent yukfest “The Ringer,” and is a redo of a failed pilot he'd done a few seasons back.

“Becoming Glen” is a spoof of “The Wonder Years” featuring a slacker in his thirties who still lives at home with his parents. Glen Abbot is played by Rob Corddry of “The Daily Show.” It's like him into a parallel where bad comedy writing lives. The older, more successful Glen narrates the series.

The reason I'm writing this review is to tell you how amazed I was at “Becoming Glen.” It’s not just a bad pilot script. It's the worst one ever written.

Page after page is filled with unfunny dialogue, bad jokes and offensive references. Bizarrely, “Becoming Glen” bears a close resemblance to another comedic milestone: “Freddy Got Fingered” from comedy legend Tom Green.

Some examples of McFarlane and Blitt’s brilliance: Glen suffers from OCD, which causes him to wash his hands every two minutes as well as watch and transcribe every episode of “Wings.” (One of the big guffaws has Glen attesting to Steven Webber’s brilliance as an actor. HA! HA!)

Glen is in love with his neighbor Allison, the obligatory romantic interest, to whom he’s “pleasured himself to for nearly two decades.” (HA! HA!)

Allison’s mother suffers from Alzheimer’s and Blitt’s relentlessly mocks this disease in his desire to be “edgy.” He has the woman pee herself on a "bridge table" as well as come out of the bathroom and announce that her “number 2 came out crimson.” I kid you not.

Glen has a close friend who is painfully shy. They exchange dialogue like the following:

Josh
Do you think you can get cancer from a toilet seat?

Glen
No, not technically. Just emotional cancer.

Isn’t that the height of comic genius? Here’s another riff:

Josh
When I'm nervous, I chew like an Arab.

Glen
What does that mean?

Josh
I don't know!

The big plot development in the pilot of Glen getting a job at a video store. The owner of the place grills him with the rules and tells him: “If someone comes in and asks for a Julia Roberts movie, after you clean up your vomit and involuntary feces, tell ‘em it’s over there.”

Seriously, I am not exaggerating: this is the worst pilot script EVER WRITTEN. Much has been said about how TV is having trouble coming up with new comedies and the fact that “Becoming Glen” is even being produced is further proof of how clueless the top executives are.

Sadly, not all the Fox pilot scripts are this horrible: one or two were actually quite inspired, but those aren't being produced, “Becoming Glen” is. This script makes “The Ringer” seem like “Schindler’s List.”

The “South Park” guys mocked Tom Cruise and their episode won't get repeated. “Arrested Development” wins Emmys and gets unceremoniously dumped. Seth McFarlane and Ricky Blitt mock Alzheimer’s and they get rich pilot deals. Go figure?

Fox has made history with “Becoming Glen.” It’s so terrible it's almost revolutionary. It's actually innovative in its badness.

Maybe McFarlane and Blitt are trying to pull off the same scheme from “The Producers” and this is their “Springtime for Hitler,” a pilot designed not to sell so they can just keep the money.

Derek Flint

The extra-cheap “Buffy” slimsets (all the episodes and extras at a fraction of the price) ship May 30!!

“Buffy” pricing if you must have your season-sets now:
$29.99 The Complete First Season
$44.99 The Complete Second Season
$44.99 The Complete Third Season
$44.99 The Complete Fourth Season
$44.99 The Complete Fifth Season
$44.99 The Complete Sixth Season
$39.96 The Complete Seventh Season

“Buffy” pricing if you can order now but wait three and a half months for delivery:
$27.99 The Complete First Season
$27.99 The Complete Second Season
$27.99 The Complete Third Season
$27.99 The Complete Fourth Season
$27.99 The Complete Fifth Season
$27.99 The Complete Sixth Season
$27.99 The Complete Seventh Season