Well here we go on another Hallenbeck authored review. Only Joe would start off his TARZAN review by talking about John Waters' PECKER. I have seen quite a bit of TARZAN, and I really must concur with Joe's opinion of Rosie O'Donnell in the film. It is only that the rest of the film is SO strong, SO good, that hitting an iceberg like Rosie, doesn't quite sink this ship. She is horrendous. She's worse than the gargoyles in HUNCHBACK, she's worse than that damn parrot in ALADDIN, she's as bad as Hallenbeck says she is. Sticking a Bronx-accented Ape in a TARZAN flick would be like adding Pauly Shore digitally to TO KILL A MOCKINGBIRD. It should never be considered. I loved her in LEAGUE OF THEIR OWN, but geezus she's bad in this. However, the rest of the film is GREAT. It is soooooo sad, oh well.... Here's Joe...
"I Loved John Water's Pecker," exclaims Joe Hallenbeck of AICN!. That's what I want to see the next time I flip open the newspaper or see the spot ad on TV. I'll be getting to my review for a "BIG ANIMATED MOVIE in a moment, but first let me just say that Pecker is John Water's version of It's a Wonderful Life(something those brainiacs pointed out over at the LA Times. I'm amazed.). This is a sick, whimsical little flick that had me in tears from laughter. Four of the funniest moments I've seen all year in film appear in this flick(one in the opening credits). Kudos to John for having the balls to combine bad taste with a slice of Rockwellian Americana. And for those of you fickle faces out there who didn't get a kick outta this flick, good ole Joe is gonna have to Teabag ya.
Well, kiddies, good ole Joe Hallenbeck is here with yet another eloquent review of a movie that has yet to come out. As a matter of fact, the movie I'm about to review doesn't even come out until next June! So, those wacky Producers over there at Disney Animation have plenty o'time to make the neccessary changes to make this movie go from good to great! Gee, a movie that comes out next June that was made by Disney and it's animated? -- What is the Mighty One talkin' about? Before I answer that puzzling query, I'd like to address another animated movie that was made by one of Mickey's rivals and can be found at your local video store.
Since I was a fetus I've been facinated by wacky humor and things that go bump in the night. There is only one "THING" in this world that has expertly combined those two elements. That one thing was/is the classic TV show SCOOBY-DOO. Scooby and me go way back. I spent more time with Scooby and the Gang than with any other entity on the face of this earth(except maybe me porn. Gotsta have me nekkid ladies!). Scooby is one of three characters I've pattern my life after(the other two being Charles Foster Kane and that dude that won't eat the Green Eggs and Ham). When I heard they were releasing a new Scooby cartoon I danced a Jig. The kid in me was cryin' to get out. The only way I could shut the little bastard up was to watch the video the second it came out. Mission: Accomplished! At first I had my doubts. Not hearing the original voices or not seeing the cheesey late 60's early 70's animation would, as I thought, bother me. It didn't. I was instantly sucked in...not by the nostalgic factor, but by the story. I couldn't believe how incredibly cool this movie was. If a live action one ever gets off the ground(please, Movie Gods, don't let Mike Meyers star as Shaggy. He may write the script, but not be Shaggy. Mr. Carrey is perfect as Scooby's "companion" as is Yeardly Smith as Velma and Sarah Michelle Geller as Daphne and Zac from Saved by the Bell as Fred) it could never be as good as this. This movie is a great "reunion" for the characters. It's funny and scary. It pokes fun of the old series, yet doesn't belittle it. If you're a fan of Scooby I highly recommend picking up this masterpiece. I know it's going to find a honorary spot on my Top Ten List this year. Take it from Joe Hallenbeck, Scooby Doo on Zombie Island is "SPOOKTACULAR!"
Alright, enough with all that WB/H-B ass kissing. Let's get on to me picking apart Disney's latest creation, TARZAN.
The Plot - A kick ass version of Jungle Book...sorta. Tarzan is truly the King of the Apes. He ain't now scrawny Mowgli or some obnoxious vine swigin' pussy boy like George. Tarzan is a man's man(insert your own joke here). Tarzan doesn't go to the City in this version, but I gaurantee he will in the sequel. The movie mainly focuses on his childhood and his first encounter with Man(ie Jane and her Party). For those of you expecting a George of the Jungle retread you're in for a surprise. They really focused on the mythology of Tarzan rather than creating this wacky Adventure for him to go on. As I was watching this film I was hoping that it was a 3 hour epic...that it woud show all of Tarzan's adventures(ie childhood, meeting Jane, going to England, and then returning home to where he belongs). But, alas...it was only an hour and half. However, that's not to say the movie isn't "Epic" in it's feel. It has that great "Timeline" feel to it. It doesn't seem rushed like Lion King. This puppy actually has 3 full Acts. Even though I wanted more I still felt "Full" after see this flick. That's the first sign you saw a good movie.
The writing - The thing that made this movie work so well is the many messages(ie life lessons) that have been woven into the script. In it's own way, this movie brings up racism, family, a sense of belonging, hunting, and Darwinism. All these issues are raised and answered quite tactfully. The movie never tries to manipulate the audience like past Disney films. It presents these issues with dignity and restraint. For that I applaud them. It's about time Disney grow up. If they really want to push the limits, they should shoot for a PG rating, but that ain't ever gonna happen.
The animation - what was done was truly amazing. The detail and depth they added to the Jungle is hypnotic. It's truly amazing to look at. It's yet another step to perfection in the process of animation. It almost felt 3-D. I felt like grabbing a vine and swinging around.
The characters - Unfortunately, everybody's favorite Chimp, CHEETAH, wasn't in the film. Maybe he'll appear in the sequel.
TARZAN - Tony Goldwyn does a great job with the voice. No complaints here. He's funny and kicks ass when it's called for.
JANE - Minnie Driver is absolutely charming as Tarzan's squeeze. Many guys will be wondering what Jane looks like under that buttress of hers.
The Bad Guy(forgot his name) - I can't recall the voice -- Either it was Patrick Stewart or John Ryhs Davies(aka Salah). This guy is pompous, arrogant and down right mean. He's not one of the best villians Disney's concocted as of late, but he does an admirable job here.
TANTOR - Wayne Knight provides some comic relief to the proceedings as Tarzan's faithful Elephant friend. He's just perfect as his pea brained ally.
The Mother - Glenn Close is absolutely magnificent as Tarzan's mom. The relationship the two form is special. The writer's perfectly crafted a great opening scene in which these two characters become destined for one another. It's rather tragic, but it's ballsy animation...especially to begin a cartoon that way. My only regret is not hearing her sing the Mother's lullaby to her new found human son. Phil's voice is alright, but the song would sound better coming from a Mother. It's the kind of tune that will put tears in Mom's eyes. A great Hallmark moment..if you know what I mean.
The Wacky Sidekick - Someone shoot me now!!! First off, Rosie O'Donnell is mildly amusing at best(mainly when she's psychotic). Second, she can't sing worth shit(I've heard cats in heat that have a better ear for music then she does). Third, her voice is more annoying than an English Police Alarm. To combine all these elements and have them play out in a "close to perfect movie" makes me want to throw up. I think it is high time someone should tell her to shut the fuck up and leave the singing to those who A) Have a nice singing voice and B) Can actually carry a tune. Everytime her wacky Ape character appears on screen she turns the movie into pure shit. I don't know what was more annoying -- her voice or the unneccessary wacky antics of this pointless character. Why must Disney throw in lame ass sidekicks like this? Most of the time they completely ruin the film! I had to leave the theater half way through her song and dance number at the camp site. I wanted to go up to the projection booth and burn those three minutes out of the film. To hear her voice is bad enough, but to have her "Scat" some annoying, lame ass tune is truly painful to listen to. I would sell my soul to Michael Eisner himself if he were to assure me that Rosie's song would be cut from the film. You can leave her in the movie(although, I would replace her immediately), but for GOD'S SAKES...CUT THAT FUCKIN' SONG OUT!!!! My ears literally bled when she began that annoying caterwauling! The songs - With the exception of that Tune from Rosie, they all were pretty good. They appear in the film in the background(Rosie's being the exception) ala Toy Story rather than like other Disney flicks. However, I would have one character sing a tune. I would have the Mom sing the lullaby.
The score - Temp tracked mainly with Phantom and Predator. I'm sure when Mancina finishes the score it'll fit perfectly into the movie.
The Great Set Piece - The Baboon chase. This scene is so incredibly cool very few words can describe it. Once everything's done(technically speaking) this will be a scene that will be remembered in Animation for years to come(ala the Wilderbeast Stampede in Lion King or the Monstro scene in Pinnochio).
The Scene That Will Make the Audience Go Nuts - Tarzan's triumphant call. The sound will be deafening when Tarzan raises his trophy high in the air and bellows out that classic call. God, I loved hearing that!
The Climax - weak, but will play out much better once it is complete. The way the bad guy gets it at the end was one of the most shocking things I've ever sceen in a Disney flick. It's so damn cool and vicious. If it's cut out or changed I'll have to go over to Burbank with me trusty ole Bat and have a talkin' to with some of those Execs.
Audience Reaction - they friggin' loved this flick. As a matter of fact, I heard that it tested through the roof...better than any other recent Disney flick(ie 89 - present). I can believe that. This is one cool damn flick.
Overall - the movie is pretty goddamn awesome. It's by far Disney's most mature effort to date...in both subject matter and violence. This movie comes close to being rated PG(personally I think they should go for it).
If they want to make this movie perfect, this is what they have to do:
1. Have Tarzan, when meeting Jane, say the classic line, "Me Tarzan. You Jane." They played around with that a little during their intro, but it's not the same. You have to have those exact words.
2. Have The Mom sing the lullaby song. It'll be a classic moment ala Dumbo.
3. If you're feeling up to it, add another hour to the film and make it an epic! (I doubt you'll do this).
4. KILL ROSIE O'DONNELL!!! Either do it in the movie or on the editing room floor. Please, I BEG YOU, cut that song out. It ruins what is a great movie going experience. Her voice is more annoying than Chris Tucker, Fran Drescher, and Rosie Perez combined! I'd rather hear a fork scratching a chalkboard than hear her singing that wretched tune! Please, for all that is good and pure in this world, TAKE THAT MUSICAL NUMBER OUT!!!!!!! TAKE THAT MUSICAL NUMBER OUT!!!!!!! TAKE THAT MUSICAL NUMBER OUT!!!!!!! TAKE THAT MUSICAL NUMBER OUT!!!!!!!
You can send your Rosie O'Donnell fan mail to:
T.T.F.N.,
Joe Hallenbeck
P.S. THE PHANTOM MENACE? I know I speak for all intelligent people when I say, "WHAT THE FUCK?!"
