Hey folks, Harry here... Took several folks to a screening of KISS KISS BANG BANG last night that hadn't seen it during the Austin Film Festival - Damn that film kicks ass. Anyway, Massawyrm's been on to other work - checking out screenings of GET RICH OR DIE TRYIN and PRIDE & PREJUDICE. Basically the same film. One where Hollywood cast 50 CENT the other with Kiera Knightley... and really, aren't they totally the same actor/ess? Heh. Here's MC Massa breakin' it down...
Hola all. Massawyrm here. Well, there seems to be two camps on Curtis “50 Cent” Jackson – he’s either the most exciting, hardcore rapper to explode onto the scene in years or the most woefully overrated, talentless hack to spit out raps since the Chicago Bears embarrassed themselves with the “Super Bowl Shuffle.” To be perfectly honest, I’m in the latter camp, and I’ve often wondered who the record exec sitting around stoned in his office was who said “Homies, you know what would be fly? What if we got Mushmouth from the Fat Albert Gang and let him cut a record?” So of course nothing made me shake my head and cover my face this summer like the “Get Rich or Die Tryin’” stand ups that have haunted us all at the theatres across the nation. Of course each time I saw them I had to forcefully remind myself “Dude, remember you were talking the same shit about Eminem before you saw 8 Mile and he shut your ass right the hell up.” He did. Eminem teamed up with Curtis Hanson and made one hell of a kick ass film. Sure 50 Cent isn’t a fraction of the rapper Eminem is (as evidenced by ‘Patiently Waiting’ in which Eminem shows up to run circles around 50 Cent on his own record) but who knows, 50 Cent has been through enough that he could bring some real pathos to his own story. And lest we forget, this isn’t one of those god awful, direct to video “Urban Geared” films with a title like Ghetto Dawgs, Durty Copz or My Big Phat Hip Hop Family, shot on DV and dressed up with a jazzy box cover – this is a decently budgeted film directed by expert Irish filmmaker Jim Sheridan (My Left Foot, The Boxer, In the Name of the Father, In America.) Now Jim Sheridan is one of those directors who has proven he can show the seedy underbelly of America and how we treat our second class immigrant citizens – and no matter how much we try to pretend otherwise, this country still treats blacks as second class citizens as well. So this could be one hell of a dark, disturbing, heart-rending film about someone clawing their way out of a life of violence and drugs into the very top of the pop culture food chain.
But it isn’t. This ain’t no 8 Mile – it’s barely DMX’s Never Die Alone without the Hemingwayesque irredeemable character. Honestly, this movie is pretty fucking bad. There are just too many problems with this to even forgive it as a “partially true story.” First and foremost the acting is a complete joke. One would assume with someone like Sheridan at the helm, even the worst actors could be elevated to marginally believable status, but they aren’t. In fact, there are several really talented actors in this film who actually drop a few notches on the scale, lending to the belief that perhaps it is Sheridan’s ability to get truly amazing actors that has led to his success, not his ability to milk a great performance out of them. 50 Cent’s performance is a joke, laughable sometimes, painful to watch the rest.
This film is loaded with scenes that become morbidly melodramatic at times – invoking streams of laughter from the audience during what should be really tense or touching moments. I haven’t heard gut busting guffaws out of a crowd during scenes like this since I viewed the original Saw in a theatre – that’s how bad this gets at times. Even really talented actors like Terrance Howard (Ray, Hustle and Flow) and Adewale Akinnuoye-Agbaje (Oz, Lost) elicit chuckles from the crowd while performing truly embarrassing scenes of dialog. Sure, both of these guys are pretty solid most of the film (I mean, come on, they’re both pros) but there are moments, usually when acting opposite 50 Cent, that really make you want to bury your head in your hands. Even the incredibly hot Joy Bryant becomes cringe worthy as she is given the sad duty of delivering dialog that is supposed to expose us to the softer side of 50 Cent. With out of nowhere lines like “Why do you have to close everybody off to yourself?” when we’re never shown anything resembling 50 Cent shutting out anyone, her scenes become a startlingly amateur series of exposition and character development sequences ripped out of some “urban” after school special.
But the worst part of the film is that once all is said and done, and all but a few lame subplots have been wrapped up, the movie refuses to end. Sure, 50 Cent is on his way up as a rapper, he’s survived being shot 9 times (a fact the movie reminds you of no less than 3 times, despite the fact that it happened all at once) and it has managed to completely expose itself as a shameless self-glorification piece, but it’s not done yet. It’s got to run a full 134 minutes, and climax with a “look how gangsta I am” revenge a retribution ending, complete with revelations that the movie makes no real secret of hiding the truth of from the beginning. The movie feels like it’s over, like it’s said everything it needed to say – but no. It keeps dragging on, getting more and more ridiculous as time wears on.
But it tries, it tries really hard to make 50 Cent look cool, deep and tormented. And it embarrasses him instead at every turn. One line of dialog cinched this thing up for me. A doctor, working on 50 Cent, says “You know, a 4 year-old takes a single bullet and dies on the scene, but a thug like this gets shot nine times (the second mention of the magical number) and he’s gonna make it.” Wow. You’ve just compared 50 Cent to a 4 year-old. Awesome. That’s like saying “Dude, I could totally whoop the shit out of a toddler, but 50 Cent, well, him I might have a problem with.”
Yeah, yeah. I know. I’m probably gonna get shot for this review. But hey, maybe I can get a record deal out of it too. I’ve already started scratching down my rhymes.
Strappin’ with my nines and I’m ready to burn
So I roll up to the show in my homie’s Saturn
I’m seein’ the new movie there by 50 Cent
And I’m the only Ain’t-it-cooler there to represent
Gonna thrash it!
(chorus) What?
Gonna burn it!
(chorus) What?
Gonna take it down to school and gonna learn it!
(Little John) Whaaaaaat? Nooooooooo!
Yeah, I think I’ll stick to reviews. But come on, the dude rhymes Mama with Llama. What the fuck man? Seriously? That’s better be one bad assed hard pipin’ Llama to get mentioned in a rap. We’re talking one cold hearted, thugged out, spitting motherfucker.
This movie’s a joke and only the most die hard of 50 Cent fans are gonna forgive it. I certainly can’t. Sure, 50 Cent took nine bullets, but maybe if I watch this movie 8 more times, we’ll be even.
Now he does PRIDE & PREJUDICE
Hola all. Massawyrm here. Well, for my socially challenged readers I offer to you “Massawyrm helps the lonely geek score: Part 1 Pride & Prejudice.” Step 1) Find a relatively attractive friend in as much need of the punanny as you are. 2) Buy 2 tickets for the film Pride & Prejudice this weekend. 3) Attend said film and note the utter lack of competition – even the most packed theatres should have no more than a dozen men present. You should be the only straight, unattached men there. 3a) if for some reason there is another pair of men who has read this primer for the lonely geek, quickly make your way to them and partition out a fair division of territory as to not Charlie Bravo one another. Trust me, there will be enough women to go around. 4) When choosing a suitable partner for the evening, do not choose the most attractive women there. Rather, choose the most attractive women sitting near the very most attractive women. Above average women are your best bet. These women will note your attraction to them over the clearly superior women seated near them and will be quite flattered. 5) Watch and enjoy the film. Take care to memorize all of the characters names in the film. These women will no doubt know the names by heart before sitting down to watch the film. 6) Make sure to talk to your friend about your enjoyment of the film, just loud enough so the women you are walking out of the theatre next to (as you must carefully time it to leave when they do) hear it. 7) Ask their opinion of the film. When doing so, note how you never read the book but wished that you had after seeing the film and wondered how true to the book it was. Ask if you could borrow a copy. They should have at least two. For added points, watch the other Jane Austen adaptations so you can follow what they’re talking about – but don’t seem too knowledgeable. Women are crafty. They may catch on. 8) Mention that you wish you could meet a women like Elizabeth Bennet (not Keira Knightley, well address her in step 9) because, and repeat after me, you long for a “woman of substance.” Remember, “woman of substance.” 9) When asked about Keira Knightley respond that if she were like Elizabeth Bennet you could definitely fall in love with her, but in interviews she seems vapid. Mention again “Woman of substance.” Forget how charming she actually is in those interviews. Don’t mention that you have them all Tivo’d. Forget that when she wrinkles her nose in that way she does that you melt like a two dollar fanbelt at the Indy 500. Mention that she looks hungry the whole movie and could stand to gain a few pounds. While saying this, forget that she is the most splendid, beautiful woman to ever grace the Earth. 10) Prepare for the best god damned blow job of your life. 11) If for some reason the women you and your buddy end up with are not the most attractive of girls, remember that beauty is only a light switch away. 12) After “love making”, and be sure to call it that, remember to cuddle. Cuddling assures future trips behind the velvet meat curtain. 13) never breathe the name “Massawyrm” in their presence. Women fucking hate me. 14) Lather, Rinse, repeat. 15) Pop her once for me.
Now for those asking why the hell I’m being so god damned misogynistic, I have to say this: because I am about to be accused of faggotry most foul, and talkbackers will glow for hours about their witty repartee involving me breaking several of Texas’s old sodomy laws. Why? Because I fucking LOVED Pride & Prejudice and I’ve got my manhood to defend. There I said it. It’s out. While the very mention of loving this film will no doubt get me pounced by my wife (remember, “woman of substance”) I doubt I’ll be able to look my fellow film geeks in the eyes again for weeks. You see, I’m a dude. And the Y chromosome I possess that has gifted me with dude parts is also the same chromosome that has prevented me from holding a Jane Austen novel in my hands long enough to actually read it. Sure, I’ve seen several of the film adaptations, and will admit to a secret love of the 1995 Emma Thompson/Kate Winslet/Alan Fucking Rickman! version of “Sense & Sensibility” as well as a fond attachment to Gurinder Chadha’s gorgeous musical “Bride and Prejudice.” But this version of Pride & Prejudice, well, I’m just fucking retarded for it.
Joe Wright’s feature film debut is almost perfect. It’s sweet, charming, emotional and expertly crafted. The humor is perfectly played, delivering some serious belly laughs from mostly physical, character driven comedy. The performances are sweetly endearing from even the goofiest of tertiary characters. And most importantly, the cinematography, set design, and scene exposition is incredible. Unlike most Jane Austen adaptations this film is neither like a stage play nor sweeping historical pageantry. It is very down to earth in tone and setting, unafraid to show the grit and grime of the era - but the vistas and landscapes that serve as the backdrop of the scenes are simply breathtaking. Sometimes, living in the city, it’s hard to believe such countryside still exists – but there it is, gorgeous and majestic. It’s not just the backdrop that makes the look of this film what it is, but rather what Wright decides to do with the camera. This film is loaded with a good half dozen continuous tracking shots that allow us to float from conversation to conversation, giving us the most essential dialog from what was most assuredly an entire chapter of the original novel. And it’s simply perfect in execution. The way Wright takes us through the party, from character to character – the way we float outside of the house, watching four different scenes from outside the windows - it’s cinematic elegance at its finest. The entire film is a study of movement, and contrary to what you’d expect from a Jane Austen adaptation, the cinematography is edgy and artistic. But if this movie has one flaw, it is that Wright uses just a bit too much movement during a few scenes, momentarily losing the gracefulness of the style he’s crafted and seeming as if he was trying just a bit too hard at those points. But you know what? The rest of the film is so freaking great, it’s very forgivable. But it’s just enough to keep his cinematographer Roman Osin from getting an Oscar nod.
Another nod to Wright’s capability as a director is the performances he gets out of his cast. There’s not a weak link in the bunch. Keira Knightley is, well, she’s Keira Knightley. I’d walk barefoot over two miles of broken glass to see her wrinkle her nose in person – let’s just get that out of the way right now. Here she gives one of the better performances of her career. While not quite as nuanced as her turn in the Jacket (I mean, come on, this is Jane Austen, who didn’t exactly write schizophrenic female characters), this is certainly a performance to shut up the “She’s just a pretty face with no talent” naysayers. If they even bother to see it, that is. Backing up Knightley as her sisters are Rosamund Pike (who seems to have been perfectly cloned from Jenna Elfman and maintains all of the adorable poise that made Jenna Elfman so lovable – and manages to give a performance that completely apologizes for her turn in the dismally atrocious Doom), Jena Malone who is delightfully annoying as Knightley’s flirtatious sister Lydia, Carey Mulligan who just isn’t given anything to do and Talulah Riley who manages to steal entire shots with her pitiable sullen sulking, ultimately managing to take an easily forgettable character and making her truly memorable. Matthew MacFadyen gives a strong performance as the brooding Mr. Darcy and Dame Judi Dench (because why wouldn’t you cast Judi Dench in a British period piece?) does what she does best as the bitchy, conniving aunt. And of course Donald Sutherland, in a tremendous supporting role, completely sheds the “Sinister old man who knows too much or wields too much power” shtick that he’s been routinely doing for the last fifteen years and turns in on hell of a gentle, comedic performance as a doting father trying to counter his wife’s attempts to marry off his daughters wholesale. There is a scene towards the end of the film when his eyes light up, full of tears, that reminds you exactly why this guy’s been around so long in the business. Perhaps, if the Academy is kind, this will be the role that finally gets him at the very least an Oscar nod. It’s certainly worthy of one. But the real honest to god scene stealing in this film comes Simon Woods in his first work to cross the pond, as Mr. Bingley - managing to completely win over the audience with his goofy, almost oafish, adoration of Rosamund Pike. He comes across as so unbelievably charming and manages to keep half of the laughs in the film for himself, delivering such bewildered looks and befuddled pining that you can’t help but feel for the guy, while laughing your ass off at his antics. This is a guy I can’t wait to see more work out of.
This is truly one of the most enjoyable films I’ve seen this year. Romantic, heartwarming, and yet edgy enough to show a hint of angst. A perfectly produced film, turning out to be my absolute favorite of the Jane Austen adaptations. All in all, Pride & Prejudice is a wonderful, charming film, packed with a lot of heart, clever, mature direction and strong performances all around. And guys, if you play your cards right, it will get you laid. Unlike most chick flicks, there is zero pain involved in choosing this for a date. Hell, this could easily make my top ten this year, that’s how good a film this is. Highly, highly recommended. I, myself, will be taking the wife this weekend to see it again.
Until next time friends, smoke ‘em if ya got ‘em. I know I will.
Massawyrm
I pant in anticipation of the Uwe Boll directed 50 Cent and Keira Knightley version of WEST SIDE STORY!
Massawyrm@hotmail.com
