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Review

URBAN LEGEND review

Hey folks, Harry here. Just to let ya know, I wrote everything after this paragraph in like noooo time. I mean, I was so eager to start talking about this film, I forgot to mention that I saw it with.... Tom Joad, Father Geek, Sister Satan, Quint, Copernicus, Police Woman, Rain Man, Hooper and a shit load of line people. Not much happened this day, so let’s get on to sniffing the cow patty...

Alright. Went and saw URBAN LEGEND tonight, the latest “oh so pretty and doable teenagers, with a slasher, axe murderer, hook killer, psycho type on the loose while they are in that safest of locales... college” genre.

Somewhere in the world Kevin Williamson is either: A) Laughing hysterically at the nightmare he has unleashed upon mankind like a plague upon ancient Egypt. B) Pulling his hair out, while saying repeatedly, “THAT IS EXACTLY NOT THE WAY TO DO IT YOU MORONS” or C) Ignoring the entire thing while moving on to the next thing.

Personally, I’m voting on “A”. Hallenbeck called this the “CONGO of 1998”. Upon talking with Joe, he also brought up ANACONDA. And suddenly it hit me. I would be seeing one of my guilty pleasures tonight. In fact when I told Joe that I would be seeing this one, he did, what I can only describe as an evil goober laugh. “Huuuie huuuieeee huieeeeee” That’s as close as I can type it.

Why did I go to see URBAN LEGEND?

I’ll tell ya why. I have the biggest crush in the world on that cello-playing coffee girl. That girl from RISING SON. You knoooooooow.... the Noxema girl. I think she is soooo frigggin do-able, that it screams. All my friends agree, they all think... wowzers, what a hot chick, actually they say, “MAAAAAN, I’d like to bend her over a barrel...if ya know what I mean”

You see, in the good ol days, these teenage slasher films would have guaranteed naked female flesh. It was part of the genre qualification. A girl couldn’t die unless they bared all. But dammit, along came politically correctness, and BAM, were stuck in an age where the Noxema girl just swims in a two piece bathing suit. Dammit. Ok ok ok, she looks dammmmmnnnn fine in a two piece bathing suit.

Ok you girls, OINK OINK, I know I’m being a pig, but can you honestly tell me you didn’t go to 54 to see Ryan Fillipe’s naked ass or chisled chest? I didn’t think so.

Soooooooooooooo, now ya know why I went. That’s right, it was to watch Ms Noxema and drool. I even took a drool bucket.

This film is soooo wonderfully stupid. I mean, you want to get up on screen and start slapping some dumbass people around. I mean, dammit these kids are all the most stupid bunch of ignoramuses I have seen. But boy are they all purty. Huh huh huh.

With Freddie, Chucky, Well-Manicured Man and Riff Raff you have the prerequisite group of scary kneejerk “THAT PERSON DID IT!!!” characters.

I’m gonna take a look at this film for it’s genre cliches.

First off there is the goofy comedian of the group. He’s not that funny. In fact, I would qualify him more as a complete hopeless loser, because as the so-called goofy friend, he fails miserably. But I think the filmmakers knew this, so ...

Then we have the prototypical Blonde Fuck Goddess. Here, she’s so much a Fuck Goddess, that she even has her own hot line of looooooove. The spit or swallow bit is great..... not. Let’s face it folks. In this category, we’ve had in recent years, Rose McGowan as the blonde Fuck Goddess. She was soooooooooo right for the part that I wanted her to be the main heroic femme, but damn them sadistic bastards, they killed her. Then we had Sarah Michelle Gellar..... she was not only super fuckable in I KNOW, but she was a human being and a lovely personality, and I really believed that as a hard up and desperate unlovable geek, she would truly see the beauty of my inner spirit and fall for me. She could love me I know it. But then, them sadistic bastards killed her again. Dammit. STOP PICKING ON THE BLONDE FUCK GODDESSES. KILL THE BRUNETTES AND THE REDHEADS DAMMIT!!!!

Sure I know... I know...Blonde hair is easier to spot in a dark room so it makes them easy kills. But just once I’d like to see the blonde Fuck Goddess not only survive, but pull that whole, “I am bitch hear me roar” shit that S. Weaver pulls in them there ALIEN flicks.

I believe firmly in defying genre conventions and making the Blonde Fuck Goddess the hero. The slut that spits and swallows, should be allowed to be the one to survive. Screw this whole virgin purity crap, I want a heroine that likes being a slut. That’s the message we need to be sending to the youth of tomorrow.

Yeah... riiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiight Harry. Suuuuuuuuuure. (signal men with the white coat) Just tell it to these fellas. They’ll help ya with that... ummm brilliant idea. Yeah. Riiiiiiiiiight.

Really? Cool Cool. Ya mean, I’ll see a heroic Blonde fuck goddess be portrayed as a deeply caring human being that will love me for my inner glow?

Yeah Harry.

COoooooOOL!

Then I can get on with the review.

Ok, then we have the stupid non-believing authoritarian dumbasses that even though dead bodies of young teenage people continue showing up killed in REALLY ODD WAYS, continue to think. “Hmmmm. It’ll go away. The psycho killer is just going through a phase. He’ll probably go on to collecting beanie babies soon enough”. Here we have Well Manicured Man as the Dean of MURDER U. Wow, what a caring soul he is. Blood written letters on the walls. Missing student. Headless chicks in their cars. “Must be something going around, have Dr Payne give everyone innoculations, that’ll fix things.” Maaaaaaaaaaan, this guy was living in the PUFF THE MAGIC DRAGON universe. He lived by the sea, and everywhere the Prof went teenagers were dead as can beeeeeeeeee....

Then we had the prerequisite afro-american security guard that we couldn’t make a main teenage character, because well, they all gotta be white young uns. Well in HALLOWEEN H2O... LL Cool J was kinda cool, but here we have the winner. This time we have a full fledged winner. The fact that she watches Coffy and quotes along with her pistol pulled, is just friggin awesome. Check out the FOXY BROWN poster on her wall. I’m sorry, this should have been the main character. The Black Security guard that always wanted to be COFFY. Too friggin cool. Damn. Too bad she didn’t blow the head clean off the bad guy with a shotgun, ala Coffy. That would have rocked and brought down the house.

Then we have the teacher that, though the subject of his class is being used to kill students left and right. Well, gosh. He just doesn’t give a shit. BUT because he’s played by FREDDY KRUEGER, it makes him a prime suspect.

Then there is our intelligent thinking woman that doesn’t go to bed with anyone because well, she’s got some sort of fucking morality going on. Dammit. What type of bullshit is this. First off, Sydney was a complete bitch in SCREAM. I hated her. Rose McGowan and Randy were the cool characters. Sydney is that girl that never ever puts out, that comes up with an attitude at parties, that wants to pledge at the first University she sees. GOD, if any character was screaming for an axe blade between the eyes it’s this one. And here, I discovered something. The girl that is our hero in films, has a problem with a jaw being closed. Watch it. She let’s it hang open, as if bats were gonna fly out. Sydney did that too. So did Ripley and Sarah Connor. Is this a directed action? Something about the woman with the hanging open mouth forming an oh so tempting “O” to plug? I don’t know. But it’s a theory to begin exploring. Ya know... that Nancy chic in the Elm Street films let her mouth hang open, and so did Jamie Lee in Halloween. So did Janet Leigh in Psycho. Watch out for the slack jawed femme.

Anyway, this girl just has a continual wispy eyed, “Listen to me, I know what I’m talking about” attitude, that’s just tiresome.

Then there’s the attractive dude that’s probably the killer. He’s some sort of pin up pose dude waiting to be hung over teenage beds across the nation and around the world. Perfect hair, that “Hey... look at me, I use electrolysis to shave” look.

The best friend. The Noxema Girl. What a babe. What can I say? Ms Noxema. If you would. I would rub Noxema on your cheeks for hours. I would. I would do that. Because... I love you. Yes, it’s true. You come on my TV set. You look into my soul. I know you do. I look into yours. Together we can be happy. I know it. I can take your pain away. That angst you have of having them fakey types around. I’m real. I live in a dirty real live movie loving male lair. You should come here. It is useless to resist. Take the first step. COme on. You can do it. That’s good. Take another. Thank you. Now repeat till you are in my arms. I’ll wait for you. I will. I’m determined to. Yes. I know.

HARRY SNAP OUT OF IT!!!!! FOR CRISSAKES, JUST GET REAL!!!! The Noxema Girl is beyond reproach. She’s in another world, where people look at you and start laughing hysterically. Go find that girl that was sitting in front of you at Dr Zhivago. She’s the one. Come on. Stop wet dreaming about Hollywood cream jeans babes, and get a life!

Oh, thank you, Mr Practical side of my Brain. I’m gonna start watching Spice Girls videos just to shrivel you away, Mr. Oh I don’t wanna live in the world of Milk and Honey! HMPH!!!

And then there is the deaths. Are they any good? Well, yeah kinda. In a real stupid, but vastly satisfying way, they are. I mean, at least there ain’t a “OH LET’s JUST GO AND KILL RANDY IN A VAN IN BROAD FUCKING DAYLIGHT, EVEN THOUGH HE WOULD NEVER EVER PUT HIS BACK TO THE ONLY FUCKING PLACE THE KILLER COULD BE!!!!”

Sorry, I’m venting, I’m still so damn pissed about that, that I just want to go into DIMENSION FILMS headquarters and beat them to death with a get a damn brain bat. Sigh. Breath in. Breath out. Breath in. Breath out.

Sigh. Yes, the deaths are somewhat spectacular. Especially this one... Dammit, there ain’t no way to share it with ya, without spoiling it. Sigh.

Overall, the film is a piece of shit. But it is sooooooooooo much fun. I just loved laughing at how embarrasingly bad parts of this were. And when Joe started tanking on the end.

Ohmygod. Ok ok ok ok ok.... The end is soooooooo hilariously fucked up that. My Gawd. It’s just great. I mean. Did you see RAISING CAIN. That was a real 3 week old in the trunk of a car shit filled diaper. And the end for this one is on an even keel. It’s just... oh heavenly bad. The sort of bad that brings tears of laughter to your eyes. Where the mere thought of it, just doubles you over, where you see the actor or actress in something else and just start making fun of em. Holy shit, this is bad.

Did I Like the film?

Huuuuiiie Huuuieeeeeeeeee Huieeeeeeeeee

Ummmmmm..... Go see it. GO on. It’s sooo fucked up that you’ll leave the theater and go home to watch all this good shit you love, to wash it down. It’s kinda like Menudo. It’s this sick fucking inhuman concotion that you chase with tequila and start giggling.

Go, only if you can stomach Menudo and Tequila.

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