Massawyrm takes out The Man

Hola all. Massawyrm here. I know what you’re all wondering – the question that burns in all of your minds, eagerly awaiting an answer. “Who is The Man?” Does it turn out to be Sam “The man” Jackson or Eugene “The first time anyone’s let him play a leading role” Levy? Don’t deny it. You can’t. You cannot resist the power that is a Sam Jackson movie. You cannot resist the power of the tagline “Only one of them can be the man.” But you should. Really you should. Because the only burning question The Man really provides is “What the Fuck? Was Martin Lawrence busy? Really?”

The Man proves to be one of those films that is exactly as retarded as advertised. A non-stop stream of piss and fart jokes elegantly smashed between the most derivative cop film plot OF ALL TIME. I shit you not – this movie hit’s every single bad buddy cop film cliché in the book. When Derrick Vann (Sam Jackson) finds out that his partner was killed and he is under investigation by internal affairs, he sets out to find the men responsible for some payback and to clear his name. Enter Andy Fidler (Eugene Levy in his best film since New York Minute) the man at the wrong place at the wrong time who is mistaken for the buyer Vann is pretending to be and gets caught up in an arms deal with the guys Vann is after. You know the rest. Seriously. Yes – Vann and Fidler hate each other. Yes – through bonding experiences they grow to like each other. Yes – Vann has to bend the rules to get the bad guys, and yes, wait for it – he even has to turn in his badge and gun before he can get them. The only thing this movie is missing is the scene of Jackson over his partner’s body screaming “MENDOZA!”

Never at all remotely funny, The Man tests both your patience and your sanity, riffing endlessly on the badass black cop/nervous white guy shtick – which never works here at all. But to add insult to injury, The Man actually borrows from one of Jackson’s great roles to attempt to win over the self-referential movie quote loving crowd, with a reference so terrible, so awkward, so painfully bad that my asshole puckered to the point of being watertight. Jackson actually tries to convince Levy of going where he wants to eat by saying “It’s a TAY-stee burger.” God, it hurts just to think about it.

This movie honestly feels like the Martin Lawrence movie that Martin Lawrence turned down, that somehow someone got the Cojones to ask Sam Jackson – realizing that Sam’s never turned down a role in his life. This is exactly the movie I would expect from Les Mayfield, the director of such films as American Outlaws, Blue Streak (a Martin Lawrence film) and Encino Man – but not from Sam. Not Sam. There is no imagination here, nothing remotely of note in this film, except the gigantic waste of talent. Sam doesn’t seem to even be trying – but oddly enough Eugene Levy is. Taking his first chance at a leading role, Levy does his shtick with all effort you’d expect from a comic of his stature – unfortunately for him, there’s zero to work with. Eugene Levy isn’t the comedian you use for fart jokes. Horatio Sanz is – who oddly enough shows up in this film in a roll that, bafflingly enough, doesn’t give him a single joke. Why get a fart joke comedian in a fart joke comedy and give him a straight role to play? Just another of the many ludicrous questions you’ll ask yourself if you manage to sit through all 84 minutes of this slapped together tripe.

Really, honestly, are any of you surprised? Anyone at all? Did anyone have faith that Sam would pull this one out? Okay, so I had a little hope, a little faith. After all, there’s nothing more depressing then seeing one of the greats just take a paycheck. But that’s what this is – it has to be. I refuse to believe Sam would take this movie for any reason other than that. I can’t. I just can’t. I have to stop thinking about this, right now. Just avoid this, folks, okay? Don’t let Sam be sullied in your mind. If you’ve seen the trailer, you’ve seen everything this film has to offer.

Until next time, friends, smoke ‘em if ya got ‘em. I know I will.

Massawyrm