Massawyrm test drives Transporter 2...tow truck enroute.

Hola all. Massawyrm here.

I loved the Transporter – absolutely loved it. It was a slam bang non-stop kung fu movie thrill ride that simply kicked ass for fans of the genre. A Hong Kong director helming a French written and produced action script starring a British badass made seemingly for American audiences – the result turning out to be an entertaining as all hell smorgasbord of coolness. So understandably, many of us geeks, myself included, eagerly awaited the return of Frank – the driver. Especially since it was being helmed by French director Louis Leterrier, the man who earlier this year gave us a similar gritty French written, Brit starring, Hong Kong tribute to all things kickass – Danny the Dog (aka Unleashed).

So how does the Transporter 2 stack up against the original? Well, frankly, they’re not even in the same league. Suckage. Major suckage. The Transporter 2 is so far off from the original, so devoid of anything worth mentioning that it serves not to continue the series, but to kill it outright. From the very beginning this film feels more like a rejected script for xXx 2: State of the Union then it does a Transporter film. Complete with scantily clad women, sleek cars and plot points so transparent and hackneyed that one begins to see just how amazing the original was in concept and execution, this feels not like a grit covered Luc Besson film, but rather the slick, amazingly unreal films of producer Neil H. Moritz (Torque, xXx, Fast and the Furious, SWAT, Stealth, Ect.) The film is utter bullshit from it’s entirely weak opening – a depressing contrast from the amazing bank robbery chase sequence that opened the original and showed us that The Transporter wasn’t another crappy American style action film. Sadly, the Transporter 2 is.

Hitting every cliché of the current crop of weak, annoying American action films, this film is a nonstop assault of eye rolling antics that range from laugh out loud ridiculous to audience jeers of “Bullshit!” CG Cars jumping from one parking garage to another – plowing through all sorts of obstacles – without getting so much as a scratch, a fight on a private jet that continues long after the plane has crashed into the ocean and broken apart, bullet dodging (actually dodging them, not just the bullets missing), and of course who could forget the hitwoman that wears a transparent bra, panties and a robe she always casts off the moment the shooting starts. Now while the original Transporter (or Danny the Dog for that matter) had a pliable relationship with the laws of physics, it never blatantly disregarded them – everything always at least seemed plausible. Here, nothing is plausible – Neither the physics nor the plot elements. From the re-emergence of the French cop from the original (this film takes place in Miami) to the villains plot to even the relationships between the characters, there’s nothing at all in this film you buy for one second. And while Jason Statham certainly seems to be trying, everything he’s given to do accomplishes nothing but sullying the character of Frank the Driver.

This film is an embarrassment. There is too much great talent here wasted on such an utter piece of shit. Besson’s script and producing, Leterrier’s directing and Staham’s ability of playing a total badass - all of it spent on a worthless hour and a half that only fans of Torque and Stealth will find remotely amusing. In fact the films one saving grace, a pretty kickass fight scene involving a firehose is not only sandwiched between lame, overly stylized gunfights, but is available right here www.apple.com/trailers/fox/transporter_2/hose.html online for you to view without so much as buying a ticket. Watch the clip, enjoy it. This is The Transporter 2’s only moment of glory – and they’re giving it away for free in the hopes that you’ll think the movie is loaded with this stuff – it isn’t. Mediocre at best, a travesty of misspent talent at worst, this is the one film this year I’ll be pretending I never saw, if only to be able to remember the Transporter as one hell of an action flick.

Until next time friends, smoke ‘em if ya got ‘em. I know I will.

Massawyrm