Hey folks, Harry here with another chapter chapter from the Dr.Pepperless Lad. You see, Massawyrm has quit drinking Dr. Pepper in a vain/glorious attempt to lose, what is commonly known as the AICN Pounds. When one joins AICN there is an inexplicable weight gain. Scientists worldwide have studied this phenomenon and seem to have agreed that it has to do... believe it or not, with SITTING ON YOUR ASS FOR HOURS ON END PONTIFICATING LIKE A JACKASS ABOUT FILM! In their amazingly nuanced exhaustive report, nowhere did it actually mention Dr. Pepper as the contributing factor that if stopped would restore us to our former Charles Atlas-like glory. Oh - well Massawyrm is about to hop in bed with THE SKELETON KEY - let's see if it's a successful roll...
Hola all. Massawyrm here with a look at the “OMG! The scariest fucking movie you’ll ever see! Holy shit it’s sooooo scary! This is so scary your unborn children will be scarred for life if their sperm is even present at the viewing!” film The Skeleton Key that the advertisements keep trying to convince you will scare the living fuck out of you and then line you up to come back for seconds. Now despite the fact that they keep reminding us all that it’s from the writer of ‘The Ring’ they casually forget to mention that it’s written by the guy who ‘adapted’ the ring – not the guy who originally wrote it. Okay, so maybe that’s implied and I’m just being anal. Maybe.
Now Ehren Kruger doesn’t write bad films – nor will I accuse him of such. Ehren Kruger writes mediocre films. Films that start out with pretty good ideas then squanders them over the course of two hours so you can shake your head and say ‘meh.’ Films that require a lot of set up, never letting you get absorbed in them while you wait for something to happen and then BAM! It does – and it wasn’t worth the wait. Films like Ring 2 (with it’s cheesy as all hell catch phrase “I’m not your fucking mommy!” that sounded more like Eddie Murphy’s “Gotcha Suckers!” from the Chubby Rain sequence of Bowfinger, as well as sparse periods of nothingness while waiting for something supernatural to show up), Scream 3 (which was more of a parody of the previous Screams, then it was an actual sequel), Reindeer Games (does this even need a parenthetical?), the infamous Imposter (which spawned years of talkbackers screaming in all caps “HE’S GOT A BOMB IN HIS CHEST!”) and the film The Skeleton Key has the most in common with – Arlington Road. You see, The Skeleton Key isn’t even remotely scary – it’s not even much of a horror film. It’s a thriller, played out as a typical run of the mill thriller, BUT WITH A TWIST! There’s always a twist in a Kruger film! This time, it’s not arsenic, a gun or garrote that the ‘killer’ kills with. It’s voodoo! Oooooooh! Scary!
Now conceptually, the film sounds cool. Really it does. A Hospice nurse (Kate Hudson) takes a job in an old house with a tortured past to care for an ailing man (John Hurt) who has been struck mute and almost paralyzed by either A) A stroke induced by ghosts B) A stroke induced by voodoo C) a crazed wife or D) the notion that if he utters a single word it will have been written by Ehren Kruger and thus is beneath the awesomeness that is John fucking Hurt. While there, Hudson learns the terrible truth about the house and what may or may not be going on while her fear of voodoo grows by the minute gaining more and more power over her with each clue. Yeah, you know – that sounded pretty cool. But much like Ring 2, Kruger never gives us anything to really be scared of nor anything for his characters to do. Except maybe walk around in other peoples houses because they didn’t answer their door. Because in Ehren Kruger’s universe, no one ever answers the door. So the Character’s just have to walk in and discover something creepy for themselves. Which of course leads to a jump scare – which turns out to be the owners who are never pissed that these people are just walking around where they might find something. He lovcs that cliché. So much so he even uses it twice here. In fact, the only things Kate Hudson has to do here are care for an unshaven John Hurt and wander around aimlessly in places she shouldn’t - or has been told not to - be. Then of course freak out at “The horror! The horror!”
Every minute of this film plays out like a clichéd thriller, right down to it’s ending. The horror elements are few and far between, and mostly turn out to be red herrings. Then when the inevitable twist comes, much like the movie Saw, it proves to be too little, too late. The film has proven so uninteresting and mediocre for so long, the cleverness of it’s ending isn’t clever enough to salvage the time you were bored beforehand.
Now the film certainly looks good. Director Iain Softley is great at turning clunky films with scripts akin to Kruger’s writing into films that are at least pretty while you watch them – films like K-PAX, Backbeat, Wings of the Dove and the fun-as-all-hell-but-even-it’s-fans-like-myself-can’t-call-it-good Hackers. But the material is too tired, too done before for him to even attempt to do much cool with it. He manages to turn in a few cool looking sequences (like when we learn the history of the house) but even those don’t manage to raise the heartbeat. Lots of slow, pretty dolly shots in the house, then out of the house, in the house, then out of the house. The problem is, while pretty, it looks just like every other film from this glut of PG-13 bloodless horror movies that want to capitalize on the money of The Ring. When we’re finally given something creepier than the hallway of an old house in the swamp, it looks like it’s been stolen of the set of the Chainsaw massacre remake. Oooh! Mysterious things in jars! Animal bones! Filth! Creeeepy! The set dressing and cinematography have all been done before. And better.
But not only is the story and setting weak, so are the characters. Sparse character development is punctuated by the fact that the actors really seem to be trying. Everyone is very good here – especially John Hurt who does so much acting with his eyes alone in this that it’s almost unreal. By the end, he proves to be one of the most developed characters in the film – and you really know virtually nothing about him. But when all is said and done, every character in this film is very one-dimensional. There’s no one with any texture to them whatsoever. One motivation a piece – that’s all they get.
This movie is so paint by numbers that it really isn’t worth your time. If you’ve seen any traditional thriller you’ve seen the entire structure of this film. If you’ve seen the Gift or Eve’s Bayou, you’ve seen better, more beautiful supernatural thrillers set in the swamp. If you’ve seen Fallen (like it or not) you’ve seen the concept of religious disbelief becoming belief, as well as several of the plot elements, done much, much better. And if you’ve seen Arlington Road, well, you’ve seen this done without the voodoo. There’s nothing special or worthwhile about this film whatsoever. It’s not scary, hell, it’s barely moody. And when all was said and done, a packed house that had all walked in excited and ready to be scared walked out saying “It was okay.” Okay. That’s what I heard time and time again outside the theatre. Okay. But of course, Okay doesn’t sell tickets. You can’t advertise Okay. Honestly, who wants to see a film that’s “So Okay you’ll wet yourself!”? Well, this Friday, you can.
Until next time friends, smoke ‘em if ya got ‘em. I know I will.
Massawyrm
Send More Cocks!
