Hey howdy, everybody. Ambush Bug here with a special @$$HOLES ABROAD edition of SHOOT THE MESSENGER. This past weekend at the Donald E. Stephens Convention Center in Rosemont, Illinois, right outside of Chicago, the Annual WIZARDWORLD COMIC BOOK CONVENTION took place and I was there to meet the creators, hobknob with fans, buy cool stuff, and tool about like a zombie for three whole days.

I wanted to start out by talking about the very last thing I attended at this year’s con. Late Sunday afternoon, Greg Rucka (writer of GOTHAM CENTRAL, WONDER WOMAN, OMAC PROJECT) did a seminar entitled “Making It Matter: Emotions in Storytelling.” In this fascinating discussion, Rucka went into detail about writing characters and harnessing their emotion to tell better stories. One of the things he pointed out was that a writer must understand a character in order to tap into that character’s emotions. One character Rucka admitted to not understanding was the Joker. Rucka went on to cite the quintessential Joker story, THE KILLING JOKE, pointing out that this is not the origin of the Joker that everyone believes because it is told from the Joker’s perspective and the Joker is bat-shit crazy and not the most reliable of narrators. In hearing this, I thought about how to structure this report you’re reading right now.

You see, in order to understand the con, you must experience it for yourself. So instead of listing off the news from this con in mere bullet points, I want to take you all on an experiential journey as I walk through my three day adventure. Yeah, I’ve done this before, but I wanted to warn you guys ahead of time. Those of you who hate the talky-talk here in the column (but apparently love those Bendis books) should check out fellow @$$hole Dave Farabee’s regular SHOOT THE MESSENGER column at the end of the week. He’s much more concise. I ramble. Now, keep in mind what Rucka said about relying on the narrator. This is my experience. It’ll include the news, but for the most part, I wanted to take you through the sights, sounds, and unfortunately the smells of my fourth con experience, as drug and alcohol addled and foggy as it may be.

It was my vow to be a bit more professional this year at the con. AICN COMICS has developed quite a name in our four-plus years at this site, and it was about time I started acting the part. Going into this, I vowed to be there on time to the panels, take good notes, and talk with a lot of people. Friday morning, I would charge into the con, standing tall and representing AICN proudly.

Well, that was the plan.

So it was right about 4 AM Thursday night while talking with this dominatrix chick and downing shots with Sleazy G at my favorite Goth bar that I realized that my vow to be professional had gone to shit before the con had even started. Hung over, exhausted, and achy, I drove to the con and met with Sleazy around noon-ish. Friday was panel day and we knew we needed some kind of nourishment to keep us awake while the creators droned on about this and that. After downing a hamburger, fries, and a piece of cake, I felt revitalized enough to attend our first panel, “Joe Quesada’s Cup O’ Joe.”

One thing I have to say is that Marvel loves their schtick. The “Cup O’ Joe” started out lame with a tender roast of Joey Q for being late hosted by Jeph Loeb. This segment of a “Mug O’ Jeph” lasted a bit long and was interrupted by Joey Q doing his best Bugs Bunny impersonation, moseying up behind Jeph as he ripped into the Marvel EIC. While I appreciate Marvel’s attempt to liven the normally boring panels with these comedy bits, one would hope that next year, they work a bit harder on their material. After a crowd pleasing chorus of “The Merry Marvel Marching Society” (written by Stan Lee). Joey Q went on to announce Jeph (SUPERMAN/BATMAN) Loeb and Joe (many late projects) Madureira as having signed exclusive contracts with Marvel. Loeb promises to finish his commitments to DC with his SUPERGIRL and SUPERMAN/BATMAN books and then move on to a top secret project with Joe Mad. Madureira blames his absence from comics on his addiction to video games, but promises to be on task for this upcoming project. The panel teased us with a pic of Spider-Man, Wolverine, and the Hulk (by Joey Madureira), stating that the project involved some of these characters.

A lot of the stuff revealed in this panel were repeats from the announcements from the San Diego Con, as detailed in our previous SHOOT THE MESSENGER columns.

• There’s a new CAPTAIN UNIVERSE series featuring various characters in the Marvel U like the Hulk, Daredevil, and X-23 stumbling upon the power of Captain Universe.

• A new DOC SAMSON miniseries is on the way, as well as one from Joe Casey about the FF called 1ST FAMILY.

• Dan Slott returns with the GLX CHRISTMAS SPECIAL coming in December.

• Daniel Way takes over THE INCREDIBLE HULK when Peter David leaves to take on X-FACTOR, starring characters from his stellar MADROX miniseries from last year (my pick for best miniseries in the 1st Annual @$$IE AWARDS ).

• Brian Michael Bendis signed another exclusive contract with Marvel.

• There was an ominous picture of what looked a lot like OMAC’s Brother Eye stating “2006 - A Deadly Return.” No one seemed to know what that was about.

After “Cup O’ Joe” was the “DC: New World Order” panel which reiterated almost everything you found out from the San Diego con.

• OMAC attacks Paradise Island in WONDER WOMAN, while Hawkman goes through some major changes as a result of the RANN-THANAGAR WAR.

• After the Power Girl arc, expect an arc focusing on the Injustice Gang in JSA CLASSIFIED and Brother Blood and Lilith pop up in the next TEEN TITANS arc.

• WARLORD returns in January with words by Bruce Jones (from his opposite of INCREDIBLE HULK run) and pictures by Bart (I pissed Priest off) Sears.

• Mark Waid signed an exclusive contract with DC and will be doing a new THE BRAVE AND THE BOLD series. He described the series as “taking a brave guy and a bold guy and having them do stuff together.”

• Deathstroke is Nightwing’s new boss over in his book.

• Darwyn Cooke signed an exclusive contract with DC starting with his BATMAN/SPIRIT ONE SHOT, which leads to a modern day ongoing series featuring Will Eisner’s classic character.

• DC announced that INFINITE CRISIS is an official sequel to CRISIS ON INFINITE EARTHS.

• Jeff (BONE) Smith will finally go forward with his MONSTER SOCIETY OF EVIL miniseries featuring the SHAZAM Family ( Boo, Captain Marvel Junior ).

• Finally, DC plans to release two 500 page SHOWCASE collections; one focusing on Superman and the other on Green Lantern, for the low, low price of $9.99.

With little time to spare, Sleazy and I whisked our way to panel number three of the day, “Marvel Knights.” It was another heaping helping of Joey Q, who had more schtick in store for us. This time, it came in the form of a major announcement and confirmation of the worst kept secret in comics. Brian Michael Bendis passed Daredevil’s baton to Ed (CAPTAIN AMERICA) Brubaker for him to take over the series when Bendis finishes his last arc. Michael Lark will supply the art. Bendis and Bru said that they collaborated to make the transition a smooth one. When a member of the crowd asked if he could kill off USAgent in CAPTAIN AMERICA, Brubaker said he would kill any character for ten dollars.

• Garth Ennis and Clayton Crane will give GHOST RIDER reboot number ga-billion.

• There’ll be a DEADGIRL SPECIAL featuring just about every dead character in the Marvel Universe. Expect to see…Bucky (no, scratch that), Elektra (oops, no, not her), Jean Grey (yeah, right), Aunt May (wait, no, she won’t be in it either), and Colossus (uhm…no). Well, honestly, they didn’t say who would be in it, but I’m sure someone dead will be there for the former X-STATIX team of Milligan and Allred to goof on.

• Andy Diggle does his first Marvel work this Christmas in the PUNISHER CHRISTMAS SPECIAL with art by Kyle (THE HOOD) Hotz.

• Daniel (the new writer for the HULK and I hope he doesn’t suck) Way is giving us a PUNISHER/BULLSEYE miniseries.

• Two spin-offs from SUPREME POWER will help ease the transition from the MAX imprint to Marvel Knights. Expect a clown-like villain to pop up in NIGHTHAWK, from the BULLSEYE team of Daniel Way and Steve Dillon, and HYPERION gets his own mini featuring the re-imagining of a whole mess of Squadron Supreme characters.

• The man responsible for making THOR a convoluted mess, Michael Avon Oeming, will return to godly stories with ARES: GOD OF WAR. This violent new miniseries is drawn by DOCTOR SPECTRUM’s Travel Foreman.

The panel was ended with more bad schtick as Joey Q adamantly denied that Kevin Smith will ever have the rest of SPIDER-MAN/BLACK CAT finished, followed by Kevin Smith popping up saying that it’s done and ready for the stands at the end of the year. This surprise was fizzled due to the computer guy getting a tad overeager and putting an image of SPIDEY/BLACK CAT on the screen before the bit even began. Personally, I was met with a warm feeling of “Who gives a poopin’ crap?!?!” but there were those who seemed genuinely excited in the crowd. The coolest thing about Smith’s appearance occurred when he was asked what he thought of the FANTASTIC FOUR movie. “I thought it was dogshit.” he replied after clearing with Joey Q if it was okay to say so. Pretty funny stuff.

The official hottest chick in a costume on Friday was some naughty little lass in a full-on chain mail Red Sonja outfit. You know who you are and you made me think naughty things, you little she-devil with a sword.

Usually, Sleazy and I hang out after the con in hopes of talking with creators, but the toolbox had a Mormon multi-wedding dinner to go to, so I decided to rest up and get to the con fresh on Saturday.

So Saturday morning, after hitting the snooze button on my alarm fifty-eight times and realizing that I was once again late, I polished my bald noggin and headed out to take on the con again. I wasn’t really interested in the HOUSE OF M/ULTIMATE UNIVERSE/ALL STAR DC panels, so I dedicated Saturday to take to the floor, buy cool shit, and talk to as many creators as possible. I got a chance to talk with fellow @$$hole Humphrey Lee, who was busy himself wandering the floor and soaking up the con. At the end of the day, I had a heaping helping of merch.

And now…What The Hell Did Bug Buy at the Con?
Starring Ambush Bug and All the Shit He Picked Up.

• TWO issues of THE ATHEIST. Man, those Desperado folks are cool people. They threw in a copy of DESPERADO PRIMER for free which was a premiere book for upcoming series.

• ONE issue of WHA? which will be reviewed in a future Indie Jones column.

• ONE back issue of DC COMICS PRESENTS, the one where Keith Giffen writes a tale where Superman and the Legion of Substitute Heroes take on the Ambush Bug. Great issue.

• A WHOLE MESSLOAD of THE GIFT comics from the very cool Raven Gregory, who will be interviewed very soon in an upcoming SHOOT THE MESSENGER column.

• ONE issue of NIGHTMARE WORLD and ONE issue of TALES FROM THE INNER SANCTUM by former AICN COMICS GreyHaven reviewer and all around nice guy, Aaron Weisbrod. You’ll be seeing a review of these books in another future Indie Jones section of the column.

• ONE large-sized T-shirt that guarantees my spot in hell, but was too cool not to buy that had a picture of Jesus and underneath it said the words “Cock Blocker” from Squidworks Comics. Can’t wait to wear this to my cousin’s baptism.

• THREE comics from Phipps Creative Designs which will be featured in another Indie Jones in the near future.

• ONE issue of HORROR SHOW from the guys at Dead Dog Comics. Looks cool. Love all the monsters.

• ONE large-sized Bizarro Superman T-shirt from the Jay & Silent Bob’s Secret Stash table.

• ONE AWESOME print of the cover of SHAOLIN MONK #3 by uber-cool artist and future SHOOT THE MESSENGER interviewee, Geof Darrow. This guy was friendly as hell and drew a little lizard in the corner for me. This one’s going on my wall.

• ONE copy of SUPER REAL #1, reviewed in last week’s column.

• And ONE pair of tight pants after seeing Margot Kidder in person. I don’t care what you say. Broked-out teeth, aged, and batshit crazy, I’d still give her the business.

• And I think you know what I mean when I say “give her the business.”

• And if you don’t, I mean sex.

Ahem.

Funniest moment of the day was seeing a guy dressed as the Scarecrow from BATMAN BEGINS fall through a promotional sign. You know who you are, you she-devil with a sword. He seemed to be okay with only a scarred ego to mend, but it was funny as hell to witness. It was one of those, “Oooo, is he okay…okay, he’s okay…BWAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!” moments. I even saw one guy snap a photo, and if you’re reading this, send me a copy.

Official announcements at the panels I didn’t attend as follows.

• HOUSE OF M will have a butt-load of after-effects running through the Marvel U next year, including a SON OF M miniseries, a year long “Quest” story in WOLVERINE, a HOUSE OF M: THE DAY AFTER one shot, a GENERATION M mini, and NEW AVENGERS will face a major villain spinning off of HOM.

• The only real news of note out of the ULTIMATE MARVEL UNIVERSE panel was that Lenil Yu signed an exclusive contract with Marvel and will be drawing an ULTIMATE HULK VS. WOLVERINE mini and that Galactus will finally pop his four-pronged head into the Ultimate U with ULTIMATE EXTINCTION.

• The DC ALL STARS panel with Frank Miller and Jim Lee gave witness to much fan-fluffing of the over-hyped duo.

• YAWN. Sorry. Now do you know why I stayed away from these panels?

The official hottest chick on Saturday was this cute indie artist chick along the back row of the Artist’s Alley who gave me a double-take when I walked by her table, but I kept on walking because I am an unbelievable douche.

Sunday rolled around and Sleazy was able to get away from his five new wives he picked up at the Mormon wedding and rejoined me at the con. For the first time, I was on time and ready. When I got to Sleazy’s place to pick him up, though, I found out I had to drive him to turn in his tux (couldn’t one of them Mormon wives have done it for him?), which made us an hour late, which is also known in @$$hole terms as “right on time.”

We got there just in time for the “Vertigo: The Cutting Edge and Beyond” panel. This panel was filled with the most information that I for one hadn’t heard before.

• The big announcement was that John Ney Rieber will be writing a new SANDMAN MYSTERY THEATER miniseries with art by Eric Nguyen and covers by Tim Bradstreet.

• SLOTH is a new hardcover coming out by LOVE AND ROCKETS writer Gilbert Hernandez about a guy who wills himself into a coma and then wakes up a year later to find his muscles atrophied and is forced to sloth around through life.

• Next year seems to mark the debut of a slew of new ongoings from Vertigo. DMZ is a new ongoing from Brian (DEMO) Woods which focuses on a new American Civil War and a reporter caught in the middle of a demilitarized New York City.

• Another ongoing is TESTAMENT which basically asks the question “What if the events in the Bible happened today?” That violent epic is due in December, just in time to give it to your local pastor as a Christmas gift. Liam Sharp provides the pencils.

• Bruce Jones tackles an all-new all-different DEADMAN ongoing without the classic Boston Brand character.

• Steven T. Seagle writes the AMERICAN VIRGIN ongoing which features a wholesome guy who is faced with a series of disastrous events which make him question his morality.

• And EXTERMINATORS rounds out the long list of new ongoings focusing on the war between man vs. nature and posing the argument that man may be the pests while the cockroaches may be the dominant species. WALKING DEAD’s Tony Moore supplies the art to newcomer Simon Oliver’s words.

• This panel ended with the screening of a V FOR VENDETTA trailer, but it was the one everyone has already seen on the internet.

After the Vertigo panel, Sleazy and I took to the floor again where we talked with Robert Kirkman briefly about doing an interview for an upcoming SHOOT THE MESSENGER column. We stared at the pornstars for a bit. No Lou Ferrigno this year, thank god (a tale best left for a very special issue of UNTOLD TALES OF THE @$$HOLES). The dude who played Flash Gordon was there and his hair was really spikey. I also found out that Sleazy is the best there is at what he does--too bad what he does is fart a lot.

Mark Waid’s “Comics 101” discussion was a pretty interesting time. Waid comes off as that cool professor in college who was able to make his classes fun. Waid seems like a pretty OK guy and a lot could be learned from him. He’s got a book out now called THE HUNTER KILLER SCRIPTBOOK which is basically a “how to break into comics and stay there” manual with all of the fundamentals touched on in this panel. This is definitely something I intend to pick up, but it was sold out at the con. The simple fact that Waid doesn’t mince words about his dislike for the popularity of decompressed storytelling makes him an official @$$hole in my book. This was one of the most interesting discussions of the day.

The official hottest chick on Sunday was this sweetie in an ill-fitting classic Wonder Woman outfit. You know who you are, you sashay-ing she-devil with a sword, you.

Sleazy and I finished out the con with the aforementioned discussion with Greg Rucka. It was getting late, so after a delicious buffalo chicken dinner at HOOTERS, I was ready to put this con to pasture.

Well, that’s the way I remembered this year’s Chicago WIZARDWORLD. If you’re still reading this, then maybe you can understand my utter exhaustion after this long weekend. It was another fun few days. I got some cool stuff and talked with some personal heroes. It was good to catch up with friends, make new ones, and make fun of those I didn’t know. If I saw you at the con, and I think you all know who you are, you she-devils with swords, I’m damn glad we crossed paths. If I didn’t catch you, well…maybe next year.