I am – Hercules!!

If season three of “Columbo” and seasons one and two of “McCloud” weren’t coming out today, would the first season of their NBC Sunday Mystery Movie stablemate, “McMillan & Wife” have ever been issued? (Something tells me even the new T.J. Hooker set might sell a little more briskly.)

“McMillan” paired 46-year-old Rock Hudson with 25-year-old Susan Saint James in a tale of a cradle-robbing police commissioner whose hot trophy wife had a thing for mysteries. It co-starred Nancy Walker (busy also at the time as Rhoda Morgenstern’s mom) as their hard-drinking housekeeper and John Schuck (who would go on to play many an extraterrestrial in the “Star Trek” movies and TV shows) as cop sidekick Charlie Enright. There was always a groan of disappointment on Sunday nights when we realized we weren’t getting “Columbo,” “McCloud” or “Hec Ramsey” that night.

I’ve nothing but fond memories of “McCloud,” however, which starred “Touch of Evil”-“Gunsmoke” vet Dennis Weaver as a deputy marshal from Taos, N.M., assigned to learn about big-city crime-solving in Manhattan. Anything but a bumpkin, Sam McCloud was always two steps ahead of police chief Peter B. Clifford, a profoundly angry man McCloud would taunt with countrified homilies.

I was surprised to learn that “McCloud” actually beat “Columbo” to series, as the former was originally part of a 1970 hourlong wheel called “Four-In-One”; it didn’t get paired with “Columbo” and “McMillan” as a 90-minute mystery movie until the following fall. (Weaver apparently squeezed in “Duel” with Steven Spielberg during “McCloud’s” second season.) The new McCloud DVD set includes the original Feb. 17, 1970 TV movie that introduced McCloud, the six 1970 hour-long episodes from “Four-In-One,” and the seven 90-minute installments from the 1971-72 season that ran as a component of the “NBC Wednesday Mystery Movie.” (Yes, Wednesday; “McCloud,” “McMillan” and the always-entertaining “Columbo” didn’t move to Sunday nights until the 1972-73 season.)

The first episode of the third season of “Columbo” stars Martin Sheen, Vincent Price and Bruce Kirby. The third stars Jackie Cooper, Jack Riley and a teen-age Katey Sagal (!). Still another stars Jack Cassidy, Mariette Hartley and - wait for it - Mickey Spillane! The sixth episode, co-written by Steven Bochco, has a child actor playing a character named “Steve Spielberg.” (Recall that Bochco and a 24-year-old Spielberg collaborated on the first episode of “Columbo’s” first season back in ’71.) The seventh episode of the third season starred Johnny Cash!

… PLAYBOY MAGAZINE : But don't you think [“Saturday Night Live”] gets a little harsh sometimes?
… MICHAEL O’DONOGHUE: Sometimes it gets too harsh and sometimes it gets too sweet. For example, those fucking Muppets, those little hairy faceclothes. I'd deep-six them in a second. You'd write a comedy line for them and they'd stick in three "Holy Guacamoles!"

“The first time I met O’Donaghue,” remembers former “SNL” staff writer Alan Zweibel in the book "Live From New York: An Uncensored History of Saturday Night Live," “I walked into Lorne’s office, and Belushi’s there, Aykroyd’s there, people the likes of which had never crossed my path before, and I look in a corner of the room and there’s a guy I learned was Michael O’Donaghue. What was he doing, you ask? He had taken Big Bird, a stuffed toy of Big Bird, and the cord from the venetian blinds, and he wrapped the cord around Big Bird’s neck. He was lynching Big Bird. And that’s how we all felt about the Muppets.”

In 1975, The Muppets were regulars during the first season of “SNL,” and all the writers and performers apparently hated them.

In 1976, The Muppets fled “SNL” and migrated to “The Muppet Show,” where they were greeted with only love and adoration. It became one of the most successful syndicated shows in television history - and made Jim Henson a millionaire many times over. (“The Muppet Show’s” head writer, ironically, was Jack Burns, who would go on to script ABC’s short-lived SNL-wannabe, “Fridays.”) Belushi and O’Donaghue and even Henson are all gone now, but the Muppets are certain to endure long after we are all food for worms.

Here’s what I know about Profit: The Complete Series. It was created by David Greenwalt, who would go on to “Buffy the Vampire Slayer” the next year, and John McNamera, who created this year’s short-lived “Eyes.” It starred Adrian Pasdar as a really evil multinational executive. Nine hours were shot. Five of them aired on Fox, all in April 1996. People haven’t stopped talked about it since, and now I’ll finally get to find out what all the fuss was about.

Max staged a holdup, Michael got a job at the evil Metachem lab, Iz was stalked by her alien lover from another lifetime and Liz turned into an extraterrestrial. Max went to Hollywood, Maria went to New York and Liz went to Vermont. Max got his kid back from Tess and Michael became “king” after Max died. The best episode was “Control,” in which we learned that Kal Langley (Joe Pantoliano), a famous and hugely successful Hollywood filmmaker, was actually engineered to be hero Max’s alien slave. The two things I hated about “Roswell’s third season? 1) The series finale (except for the very, very last scene) was so uncharacteristically bad I believe it may have been written with the aid of hypnosis. 2) They replaced the great Colin Hanks with pretty-boy Adam Rodriguez, and though his character was supposed to have been born and bred in New Mexico, Rodriguez couldn’t be bothered to ditch the fucking Brooklyn accent.

TV on DVD:

Last Week
Arthur's First Crush
Austin Stevens, Snakemaster: Vol. 1
Berenstein Bears: Vol. 5
Blue's Room: Alphabet Power
Candid Camera: 5 Decades of Smiles
The Cosby Show 1.x
Dragon Tales: Sing and Dance in Dragon
The Dukes of Hazzard 4.x
The First World War: Complete Series

The Greatest American Hero 3.x
Hearts Afire 1.x
Jeff Corwin: Out on a Limb
Over There: Pilot
Sid & Marty Krofft: Pilots
Wubbulous World of Dr. Seuss: Gink Cat
The X-Files: Black Oil

August 9
Cartoon Network: Grossest Halloween 2
Columbo 3.x
Dallas 3.x
Farscape: Starburst Edition Vol. 5
McCloud 1/2.x
McMillan & Wife 1.x
The Muppet Show 1.x
Profit 1.x
Roswell 3.x
Thundercats 1.x Vol. 1

T.J. Hooker 1.x/2.x
What's New Scooby Doo, Vol. 6

August 16
'Allo 'Allo 3.x
The Andy Griffith Show 3.x

The Dick Cavett Show: Rock Icons
I Love Lucy 5.x
Little Britain 1.x
The Office 1.x (NBC Version)
Phil of the Future - Gadgets & Gizmos
Saved By the Bell: New Class 4.x

The Simpsons 6.x
That's So Raven, Vol. 2

Undeclared 1.x
Will & Grace 4.x

August 23
ABC Afterschool Specials: 13 Discs
Adam-12 1.x
ALF 2.x
Bliss 1.x
Boy Meets World 3.x
Britney & Kevin: Chaotic
Codename: Kids Next Door, File Two
Cyberchase: Ecohaven Cse
Emergency! 1.x
1st & 10 1.x
1st & 10 2.x
Good Times 5.x

Kung Fu 3.x
Life As We Know It: The Complete Series
The OC 2.x
Once and Again 1.x
Once and Again 2.x
Six Feet Under 4.x
That's My Mama 1.x
That's My Mama 2.x
Twice in a Lifetime Vol. 1 / Vol. 2
What's Happening!! 3.x

August 30
As Time Goes By 8.x / 9.x
As Time Goes By: Complete Series
Chef 1/2/3.x
Clifford: Doggie Detectives
Combat 5.x Invasion One
Combat 5.x Invasion Two
Curb Your Enthusiasm 4.x
Fairly Oddparents: Scary Godparents
Garfield Vol. 4
Highway to Heaven 2.x
House 1.x
HR Pufnstuf: Four Favorites
Knowing Me, Knowing You with Alan Partridge
Land of the Lost: 'Stak Attack!
Married With Children 4.x
The Mind of the Married Man 1.x
My Favorite Martian: Time Travelers
My Little Pony: The Movie
Nip/Tuck 2.x
Petticoat Junction: Ultimate Collection
Ripping Yarns: The Complete Series
Roseanne 1.x
The Saint 1.x
Strawberry Shortcake: Moonlight Mystery

September 6
Buffalo Bill: The Complete Series
Charmed 2.x
Degrassi Junior High 3.x
Doctor Who: The Horror of Fang Rock
Doctor Who: The Mind Robber
Doogie Howser M.D. 2.x
Fat Albert Halloween Special
Fraggle Rock 1.x
Fraggle Rock Vol. 4
Goosebumps: Chillogy
Kingdom Hospital Vol. 1
Lost 1.x
MacGyver 3.x

Millennium 3.x
Power Rangers SPD Vol. 2
Power Rangers SPD Vol. 3
Rocky & Bullwinkle 3.x
The Saddle Club Vol. 3
SNL: The First Five Years
So Little Time: The Complete Series
Tall Tales & Legends: The Complete Series
21 Jump Street 3.x

September 13
The Brady Bunch 3.x
Cheers 6.x

Da Ali G Show 2.x
The Dick Cavett Show: Ray Charles
Empire Falls: The Complete Miniseries
Everybody Loves Raymond 4.x
Frasier 6.x
Las Vegas 2.x
Midsomer Murders Set 6
One Tree Hill 2.x
Peep Show 1.x
Rambo Vol. 3
Rambo Vol. 4
Rocky & Bullwinkle: Best Of Vol. 1
SCTV Vol. 4
Smallville 4.x
Taxi 3.x
Tony Orlando & Dawn: Ultimate Collection

September 20
The Batman 1.x Vol. 2

Battlestar Galactica 1.x
Crime Story 2.x
Desperate Housewives 1.x
From the Earth to the Moon: Widescreen
Heathcliff and the Catillac Cats
Justice League Unlimited: Joining Forces
My Dad The Rock Star Vol. 1
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