Well here comes Hallenbeck with some more reviews. As always let me warn you sensitive readers that Hallenbeck is known in the filthiest brothels for his dirty mouth and his affinity for Cabbage Patch Dolls. So watch out, Hallenbeck is out to get ya riled up as always, but damn if he ain't fun as hell. Oh, and for you folks out there trying to figure out the identity of the man, the legend, I'll tell you this... he's an award winning filmmaker! Shocking I know.
The Summer Moviegoing Season is now behind us and to paraphrase a quote of Bananarama, "It was a Cruel one at that." Now we have Fall ahead of us...my favorite time of year. Leaves change, lame TV shows premiere, and Hollywood unleashes the shit products that were too bad to even release in the Spring. However, some cool shit manages to creep onto the screen every so often(ie Seven, LA Confidential, and Sneakers). I have seen most movies that are due out from now until Halloween and let me tell you, there ain't much worth reviewing(The Mighty, ANTZ and Pleasantville being the exceptions). Today, I, the Mighty Joe Hallenbeck, took a gander at two such movies. I'll review one in full and the other in just a few sentences.
Without Limits is the 2nd, but by far most compelling, film version of Steve Prefontaine's life. Told rather masterfully by Robert "The Man" Towne, "Limits" will hopefully find it's way into the hearts and minds of the general public. I sure hope WB doesn't dump this movie by releasing it onto a few screens. If so, it'll never find an audience. I'm not saying this is Academy Material, but it's the best damn flick they've released all year(and will release). Don't fuck this good little flick over Bob and Terry!
Right after seeing this fine little ditty, Flunky Sidekick and myself attended a screening of yet another Scream knock-off, URBAN LEGEND. This movie is, by far, the funniest damn film I've seen this year(narrowly beating out Species 2). Flunky Sidekick was crying because he was laughing so hard. "IT'S THE CONGO OF '98!" I had an absolute blast watching this movie. Never have I laughed so hard at a horror movie. What started out as a fairly interesting genre flick turned into a cross between a Hardy Boys Mystery and an episode of Ricki Lake. The logic that is in this movie is completely insane. The motivation for the killings are absurd and ridiculous. This is a great midnight movie that should be celebrated for years to come! Let me try to break it down for you:
The Plot - someone is offing people based upon Urban Legends(ie American Folklore). All the classics are used except for the man with the hook(gee, I wonder why?). This part of the story I dig. If this would've come out pre-Scream and I Know..., one might find some originality in the movie's basic premise. It's a cool gimick, unforunetely the execution is so poor you really don't give a rat's ass as to what happens to who.
The directing - their is some flair in Jamie Blanks direction, but that don't matter much. All the red-herring scares don't add up to much but a single goosebumb. I think this movie breaks the record for phoney scares(ie a friend pops out of nowhere when we think they might be the killer).
The writing - this dude watched Scream 1&2 and IKWYDLS one too many times. He took all the cliches of those cool flicks and churned out a pathtic excuse for a horror film. The first couple of "Legend-based" killings were cool, but after that I swear the dude just started making shit up on his own. I don't recall a radio host being hacked up as a Myth or a legend. I certainly don't recall a dude getting his heel sliced open and then run over by a car. Very little research was done for this movie. He took a couple of well known stories that he heard around the campfire and threw them into this script. It would've been nice to see some legends that are not as famous as the dude in the back seat and the boyfriend hanging from the tree, but alas...our comrade on the keyboard failed to do some research. I'll give him this...there are a few pop-culture references that tickled my funny bone.
The characters:
Alicia Witt - our heroine. A mondo babe in a Snow White sorta of way(she's about a 3 on my finger scale). I loved her dry wit on Cybil, but here, as a scream queen, ass-kickin heroine, she just doesn't cut it(pun intended). Her back story is as lame as a newly introduced character on Boy Meets World. She's supposed to be our Sidney/Laurie and we's don'ts gives a shits! As an actress she does her best, but the backstory and psychosis of her character just ain't there.
Rebecca Gayheart - definitely a 4 on my finger scale. This fiesty little vixen is a doll to look at but she should stick to those face cleansing commercials.
Jared Leto - this guy is typecast as a "is he the killer or isn't he?" kinda roles. First in Switchback and now in this. I won't say if he is or isn't. I'll just say he's one of 50 million suspects this movie manages to concoct and shove down the audiences' throats during it's 1:40 running time.
The rest - take one fuckin' guess as to what happens to these chumps? I can look on the bright side -- At least I got to see my little girl(Danielle Harris) doing it doggie-style with some Goth.
The Killer - this is where the movie gains "MST3K" Cult Status. If you thought the Gordon's Fisherman Killer(a name I bestowed upon the killer many moons before the movie came out, thank you very much), then you'll love what the creators cooked up for this gorefest. The Killer will be called NANOOK, the axe-weilding Eskimo. This psycho don't don no Rain Slicker or Hockey Mask, this mean hombre sports a lovely fluffy parka(with HOOD so you can't see the killer's face). When it's finally revealed who this badass is, I couldn't help but break into laughter. The acting that proceeds after this revelation is, perhaps, the most overblown, psychotic, laughably bad performance commited to screen since Al Pacino in Heat(man, does that last statement take on a completely different meaning). I wish I can remember every line of dialouge delivered because it was brilliant! The logic behind these killings is so inane...so absurd, one can't help but instantly collapse to the floor and chuckle relentlessly until your sides ache.
The music - Christopher Young is out of his coma! Normally, this dude delivers a rather morose score, but here, the music seems to scream out of every speaker. It's loud and obnoxious. It fits the insanity of this psychotically laughable Horror Flick perfectly!
The Climax - The climax, the second climax, and the god-knows how many other climaxes in this movie seemed never ending. To have the heroes drive away from the scene so we can get yet another climax made as much sense as Claudia Schiffer marrying David Copperfield. It was as if a chimp with a typewriter came up with the so-called logical explainations in this movie.
I want you to understand one thing - this movie is bad. I'd even go so far to say it's "Macher-Bad", but it's one of the best times you'll have at the theaters this year. Go with a bunch of friends and start heckling the damn thing. Turn it into a must see event. Make it an interactive experience. If you go into this movie with a serious attitude (like most will) then you'll be asleep in no time. With a movie as lame as this, you can turn a mundane moviegoing experience into a funfilled night at the movies! If they kick you out, let good ole Joe know about it. I'll pay a visit to those pimply faced popcorn servers with me trusty ole bat, Casey.
T.T.F.N.,
Joe Hallenbeck
