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Vern says, 'F--k WEDDING CRASHERS!' Do you think he liked it'

Ahoy, squirts! Quint here with our man Vern who is... mighty unhappy with a certain Vince Vaughn/Owen Wilson comedy right now. You see, he... well... Shit, Vern can tell you...

Boys -

First off, congratulations on the kid, Moriarty. I hope he doesn't have too many problems being named after some freak from FORBIDDEN ZONE. But congratulations and in my opinion some credit should also go to the wife, who I bet performed some of the more difficult aspects of the birthing process unless there is something Harry is not telling us.

Second order of business, I saw some movie called WEDDING CRASHERS. Owen Wilson and Vince Vaughn play a couple of dickheads who like to sneak into weddings because somehow it causes them to automatically get laid. When I first saw the trailer for this one I felt insulted. It seemed like one of those premises that would maybe seem funny when you first think of it but then you would realize before you got a chance to even write it down that it was not funny enough for anybody to actually make or especially watch. The trailer didn't show any of the plot but I assumed it would be one of those generic romantic comedies where the protagonist lies and tricks people but then to his surprise he meets someone who he really falls in love with, and there are montages and flirting and laughing and they become close but it's all based on a lie so then suddenly she finds out the truth and he has to admit that he's a scumbag but then he publicly humiliates himself and proves to her that he really loves her and then... oh shit, what if in this one they got MARRIED AT THE END? Would that be ironic or what? The hunter becomes the huntress, or whatever.

But there was some good buzz on this one, some people saying it harkens to the glory days of raunchy R-rated comedy (what does that mean, Revenge of the Nerds 2?) and Entertainment Weekly did a big article a while back claiming it would be a huge sleeper hit. So maybe it's not what it appears? I do like Owen Wilson and Vince Vaughn sometimes and the movie was free and I quit drinking a long time ago so what the hell, man, I went.

Turns out what this is is one of those generic romantic comedies where the protagonist lies and tricks people but then to his surprise he meets someone who he really falls in love with, and there are montages and flirting and laughing and they become close but it's all based on a lie so then suddenly she finds out the truth and he has to admit that he's a scumbag but then he publicly humiliates himself and proves to her that he really loves her and whatever else I said earlier.

There are basically two types of mainstream comedies: TYPE A, the ones that are all about laughs, not to be taken seriously on any level, basically a bunch of skits and jokes and riffs strung together just trying to get laughs (ANCHORMAN, the AUSTIN POWERS saga, etc.) You're not expected to care if Anchor Man finds true love or not, instead you get some shit about a talking bear or whatever. Then TYPE B is the ones where they put some jokes on top but the vast majority of the movie is a storyline about two people falling in love and you are actually supposed to give a shit about these people and be touched when things work out for them. Type B can be done well but it usually isn't and this is no exception.

Yes there's some funny lines here and there. Alot of the dialogue is probaly improvised. You know how Vince Vaughn and Owen Wilson are when they improvise, they can be funny. You know. That's what I have to say that's nice. Good job on having a couple funny lines.

But this has all the usual bullshit that I hate about this type of movie. I mean not even the premise of the movie is believable. I don't buy the idea that these guys could or would want to go to weddings all the time and claim to be relatives without being found out almost every time. And if they could, I don't believe that they would get laid every time, or most of the time, or more than once. Or that there would be hot single women at all these weddings or that those women would ever see or talk to them.

The movie is smart enough to know that you can't do much more with this premise than a long montage at the beginning (basically the trailer plus 2 seconds of tits) but dumb enough to think we want to see the rest of the movie. Since you see early on that Owen feels guilty about being a lying womanizer, you know he's the one we're supposed to think is actually sensitive and sympathetic even though everything he does implies that he's a prick. The woman he falls in love with (some Jennifer Garner type [Rachel MacAdams]) is already engaged. So to make it acceptable her boyfriend is a total worthless asshole prick who bullies everybody, openly cheats on her and berates her in front of her family, who all still love him.

I guess THE WEDDING SINGER did the same thing, but that one had more appealing lead characters, way more laughs, and a more cartoonish tone. The bad guy boyfriend was a villain but at least they got a couple laughs out of it, like when he pulled up in a Delorean blasting the Miami Vice theme. This one's an asshole, but not funny. He's almost a super villain. He even finds out Owen and Vince's secret just by telling a private eye their fake names and fake jobs. I'm not sure how he looked that up exactly, maybe it's a new feature on google.

You know, WEDDING PLANNER will go between WEDDING CRASHERS and WEDDING SINGER in the comedy section at the video store, so it might act as sort of a buffer to prevent comparisons.

The movie is mediocre, it's not easy to hate, but the climax helps. If I had to pick my very least favorite type of scene to have in a movie, it would be the ones they always have at the climax of these types of movies, where the filmatists try to push the word CONTRIVED so far that it loses its meaning. You know, the scene where the lead has to confess their love and the audience has to pretend for 5 or 10 minutes that they've never seen humans before and have no idea how they behave. In this one, it's a scene where Owen Wilson rudely interupts his best friend's wedding vows to make a long speech to the woman who hates him, in front of the whole congregation. Everyone stays silent and listens to what he has to say, the woman and her family are spontaneously won over by his sincerity, the prick boyfriend is publicly outed, dumped and physically punished, and nobody seems offended or uncomfortable about this happening in the middle of somebody else's wedding.

I understand that this has somehow become an accepted form of storytelling, but I can't stand this type of shit. It feels like the movie is stabbing me and then slowly twisting the blade for the whole scene. And as a side note, I would like to mention that when a movie points out that it is following a cliche ("Would it be a cliche if I kissed you now?") IT IS STILL A GOD DAMN CLICHE. Even Kevin Williamson probaly knows this by now.

And don't buy that bullshit about it being a good old fashioned raunchy R-rated movie. This is a completely vanilla movie, the same old cutey pie horseshit where the good guys get laughs by doing something morally reprehensible but then instead of going with it the movie also wants to pretend that they are total sweetheart romantics. There are no surprises or pushing of the comedy envelope unless you count a weird bit where a gay guy is portrayed as a freaky hunchbacked Peter Lorre type who forces himself on straight men. Maybe the MTV Movie Awards will have a category for Best New Homophobic Stereotype. Otherwise I doubt we'll be hearing much about this movie after a couple weeks on video.

For me there were no big laughs. But I don't know, some people will probaly find it hilarious. If two sweethearts smiling at each other, giggling and playing cute handslap games on the beach is uproariously funny to you, you're gonna fuckin LOVE this one. And the scene where they ride bikes together! I mean, you will DIE. I'm not somebody that would bow at the altar of OLD SCHOOL but this is not even in that league, it's much blander, more like something your friend's girlfriend who you hate would claim is really good.

Wouldn't it be funny if Moriarty went and saw REBOUND or SKY HIGH or some crap, but he was so jacked up on the emotions of new fatherhood that he cried through the whole thing and came out convinced it was RAIDERS OF THE LOST ARK for his son's generation? I think it would be funny but I bet it won't happen with this one. Even the Miracle of Life is not gonna make this one particularly memorable.

I forget what I was even talking about. so commence with the talkbacks. I'm first though.



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