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Neill Cumpston Makes Sweet, Sweet Love To SIN CITY!!

Hi, everyone. "Moriarty" here with some Rumblings From The Lab...

It’s been a while since Neill’s reviewed something for AICN, but SIN CITY is the perfect movie for him to finally return with, and he’s in fine form this evening. There are a few spoilers, but honestly... it's impossible to talk about this movie without talking about all the crazy-ass shit that's in it. You have to spoil it a little, and he manages not to ruin any of the truly great things you'll see. I’ll have my own review up for this tomorrow morning. For now, I don’t even want to try to compete with the poetry that is... Neill Cumpston. Take it away, man.

I totally camed in my pants.

I’m going to write a bunch more shit, but that’s what this movie sums up to. That’s my blurb, if EL MARIACHI guy is reading, also. If you use it on the poster, it’d be cool to draw a gun with a hard-on saying it. But put a “C in a circle” thingie next to the gun ‘cause I’m writing a movie about it (as a comedy). The title is BONER GUN.

SIN CITY is based on this bad-ass comic I haven’t read all the way through by the guy that did BATMAN ALL PISSED OFF back in the 80’s. The comics were all in black and white, except some of them have color, so that’s how this film is, too. It looks all drawn but also filmed at the same time. Usually it’s blood that has the color, except sometimes it’s red, and other times yellow, and a lot of times it looks like spooge or a milkshake or both. Which is okay ‘cuz at least there’s a lot of it.

Also, I guess it was a good idea to film it mostly just black and white ‘cuz that probably saved a bunch of money and that’s how they could afford the bad-ass cast they put together for it.

The first scene in the movie is that PEARL HARBOR boring guy and he comes out onto a balcony where there’s this hot chick wearing red (it’s the color red, which looks really cool; note: I wanted to fuck everything in this movie, especially the women)

Then that scene is over (there’s a surprise at the end) and then it’s Bruce Willis and the dad from FREE WILLY and they’re cops only Bruce Willis is about to retire (the whole audience is waiting for him to say, “I’m getting too old for this shit“ but he doesn’t and that’s a flaw) and he shoots the TERMINATOR 3 kid in the nuts to save a little girl. Then all of a sudden the movie switches to Mickey Rourke.

Also, this movie jumps all over the place with stories – the thing at the beginning with the PEARL HARBOR guy, and then a little bit of Bruce Willis, and then Mickey Rourke and then the British guy from KING ARTHUR and that hottie from 25th HOUR and then back to Willis. Also there’s a surprise at the end after that, but since everyone on this site fills their Pampers Pull-ups with beef stew about spoilers I won’t write anything here.

But the Mickey Rourke part is the best part of the movie ‘cuz it’s either someone getting a prison pounding on the screen or some hottie flashing boobs. Carla Gugino does a total nudie scene, first lying in bed and then walking around, and I was thinking that after this movie comes out, they should change the “PAUSE” button on DVD remote controls to read “CARLA GUGINO’S BOOBS”, which would be more accurate.

Fuck but this part of the movie cooks. There’s those three different levels of good movies, you know, where it starts out on:

LEVEL ONE: THE RUNDOWN = Taco Bell double-decker tacos

LEVEL TWO: XMEN 2 = That LOST IN TRANSLATION chick eating a double-decker taco slow

LEVEL THREE: DAWN OF THE DEAD (today version) = You eat a Taco Bell double-decker taco and you get to watch a dump truck crash into a Humvee full of jocks, and then the LOST IN TRANSLATION chick runs by naked

But now there’s a new level, and it’s this movie. SIN CITY is all of the above, plus after you watch the dump truck/Humvee crash you get to watch a fireman and a stripper with an alligator head have a hammer fight it’s that good.

What’s also good is the whole movie takes place at night. There’s no lame-ass daylight stuff like you see in Sandra Bullock and Steve Martin movies, where people are talking and trying to be funny and you’re like, someone hit someone with a fucking hammer already.

The KING ARTHUR guy’s story (this has the hot 25th HOUR chick in it, and she’s shooting guns and showing her belly so double splooge) is about how they need to keep this dude’s cut-off head from going back to the cops, or there’ll be a big war in Sin City or something. This story was the hardest for me to follow – there’s tar pits and Irish guys blowing shit up and at one point the dead, Cut-Off Head Guy talks (Quentin Tarantino directed the head-talking part, so even though it blows I think it’s brilliant). Oh, and the chick from UPTOWN GIRLS is in this part, and she cries a black tear and waves and knife around. Pretty cool.

Then we’re back to the Bruce Willis story, and this is where Jessica Alba comes onscreen and makes your dick want to drive a chicken truck into a burning retard school. She doesn’t even ever get naked – just dances around in this cowgirl outfit, but even with clothes on she makes being naked seem gay. This is also one of those “time jump-around” parts, because we see an alive dude who shouldn’t be alive at this point. I think it’s explained during the talking, but I had my iPod on and there was this awesome Limp Bizkit song playing.

Fuck, I’m going to see this movie so many times when it comes out. And I hope it’s playing when STAR WARS 3: GEORGE LUCAS RENTS HIS POOPER TO ELDERLY ARMENIANS comes out – ‘cuz I’ll see this instead.

I totally camed in my pants.

If fanboy was a foreign language, then Neill would be the single most fluent person in it ever. That review was almost as much fun as the movie. You are not ready for April 1st... just remember that. And if Miramax is interested in pull-quotes from Neill’s review, I suggest the part about the DVD remotes and Carla Gugino’s boobs. Quality. That’s what that is.

"Moriarty" out.

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