Alrighty all, Harry here with the latest ranting and raving of a Joe Hallenbeck. Joe was sooooooooooooo incensed over this flick that he called me to personally chew my ear off about this one. I could hear his bat and the sound of an imploding Terry Semel head in the background. The fleas were leaving his pad, Joe was stomping mad. As a result, I must warn you. This is likely one of those soap in the mouth, in dire need for Max Von Sydow to show up in his cool man in black outfit with the special holy water dispensing weapon. Without further ado I give you a wretched hive of scum and villany... Joe Hallenbeck...
Pimp Daddy Joe Hallenbeck here(I'm trying out a new title) with another magical review of yet another wretched piece of shit movie produced by the WB. SOLDIER is the movie in the hot seat. This movie is so bad it doesn't even deserve to be called bad...it's MACHER-BAD!!!(for those of you who aren't familiar with the Hallenbeckian Venacular a movie that is Macher-bad means it's on par with Joel Schumacher's B n' R).
I felt like Marty McFly in Doc Brown's time machine as I was watching this flick unfold on screen. It was if I was transported back to 1985 and was watching Arnie kickin' ass in yet another action gorefest that made him a star! Unfortunately, this time around, the movie I was watching was an absolute waste of celloid. Arnie's films were bad(terrible at times), but they had this "coolness" factor to them. No one can deliver corny one-liners like Conan can. In Soldier's case, I felt as if I was watching some retarded 10 year-old boy's fantasy movie come to life on screen.
If you were to make a wolverine spread your ass-cheeks apart and have Rip Taylor shove a living porcupine up your ass that would be a less painful experience than watching a movie like SOLDIER(trust me on this...I have "experience" in this field).
PLOT: It's SOLO...no, It's MAD MAX...no, it's THE POSTMAN. You get what I'm talking about. Outcast, loner-like hero kickin ass for the little guy. This is the kind of movie Dolph Lundgren or Andrew Stevens would be starring in for a direct to video motion picture EVENT EXTRAVAGANZA!
WRITING: David Webb Peoples is a God to me. He has penned 4 of my all time favs(Blade Runner, Hero, Unforgiven, and 12 Monkeys). He's a writer I truly admire and respect. THAT'S why I refuse to believe he had anything to do with this film. His 6 year old son or nephew must have written this tripe and asked Daddy/Unc to make it into a movie. David attached his name to it and BINGO!...it's made into an $85 million version of SOLO(to quote a colleague of mine). If there is an ALAN SMITHEE rule when it comes to writer's credit, then PLEASE, MR. PEOPLES...IN THE NAME BILLY WILDER...TAKE YOUR NAME OFF THIS FUCKIN' PIECE OF SHIT!!!! Don't let your son or daughter grow up and see Daddy's name attached to such a horrendous, RAZZIE QUALIFYING FILM!!!
DIRECTING: Paul Anderson is a good director(visually speaking) in search of a great script. His movies, MORTAL KOMBAT and EVENT HORIZON, are gawd awful, but they at least look great. When I heard he was attached to direct a Peoples' sci-fi script I nearly shit in my pants. I felt like Clinton on an intern panty raid! I said, "Finally this guy gets to direct a good movie...both visually and storywise." WRONGO, AMIGO!!! This movie isn't even cool to look at. It's ugly and truly unoriginal. The only good things about his direction is the fact he had the audacity to kill kids in a movie and he made some deaths gory. Two words of advice, Mr. Anderson: "Keep Searching."
The Acting: Sir Lawrence is rolling over in his grave.
Kurt Russell - is one uber-fuckin-cool actor in my book! He's Jack Burton! He's Snake Plissken! He's Tango(or was that Cash?)! He's that Colonel dude in Stargate with the dead son! He's that cool dude in The Thing and that Sheriff of Tombstone! He's that everyman hero in Breakdown and Executive Decision! This guy is one cool actor. I love Kurt. He's always been one of my favs, but Kurt...my main man...WHAT THE FUCK WERE YOU THINKING TAKING THIS DREADFUL ROLE?! There is absolutely nuttin' there, amigo! I laughed my ass off when you shed that tear in the tube after being booted out of camp. Your character was supposed to discover his humanity. All he discovered was different ways of killing dudes that Rambo didn't think of. When picking your next role, take the advice of that noble knight in Last Crusade, "Choose,...but choose wisely."
Jason Scott Lee - a muscle bound manequin.
Gary Busey - I've never told anyone else this, but maybe you should reconsider your new found appreciation of God and go back to drugs. You know you want to. It's the only joy you'll get out of life because acting sure won't give you that high.
The rest - should be shot!!! Wait a sec...most were.
The F/X - I know some were rough, but what was done looked like they were done on some 12 year old's Mac. The Matte/Green Screen shit was just that...SHIT!!! I've never seen such shoddy work...AND I'VE SEEN ALL OF CORMAN'S FILMS!!!
The music - fit the movie to a "T", but won't help it none when the final score is done. The temp track was perfect(Postman, Waterworld, Alien: Erection, Judge Dredd...to name a few). It was great to hear some good tunes to shitty movies, but it ain't the final score to this mess, so who gives a fuck?
The climax - Rambo meets Solo meets The Postman. Trust me, it ain't as good as it may sound(a joke here, people). At the end, I oh-so-wanted the little boy to call Kurt, "Daddy." That would've been the kicker this movie needed to qualify it for a MST3K Award!
NOTE TO PRODUCERS: When people laugh during serious/quasi-serious scenes that means you have a clunker on your hands. Does "The Postman" mean anything to you?
I think it's absolutely appalling that, after 75 years of making a majority of the greatest films ever produced, a studio like Warner Bros. is putting out such SHIT like SOLDIER! Actually, come to think of it, this movie fits in with the rest of WB's rouster of films that have been and/or coming out this year. These titles include: City of Angels(at least Meg Ryan dies in this...I'll give the movie that much credit), Quest for Camelot(stick to TV animation), Tarzan, Major League 3, US Marshalls, Sphere, A Perfect Murder, Wrongfully Accused, The Avengers(oh my god...what the fuck was that?!), Almost Heroes, Without Limits, Practical Magic(a movie, like the trailer, that is wretched, wildly uneven, makes no sense, and is just plain shit!), and You Have Mail(a movie I hope Meg Ryan dies in). The only saving grace(s) they have this year were/are: LW4(First 20 minutes was shit, but after that it was passable), The Negotiator(too long, but Sam and Kevin are worth it), and maybe Jack Frost(I really dig Keaton). Face it, Warner Bros., for a 75th Anniversary you've got shit out there...and even more shit coming out! That psycho in the editing bay ain't gonna let his movie see the light of day 'til 2001(pun intended), so don't expect a X-Mas '98 release for this puppy to save your ass. I say shut down the Studio for a few months, get rid of a shit load of inept execs, and start fresh before the Millennium ends. You guys are the best(just look at your library)! In the past 3 years, you've only had one good movie. That's pretty pathetic. At first, I thought Chris Pula was your problem...now, I'm starting to think the problem lies higher up the food chain(and you know who I'm talking about). Stop making shit like Soldier and start making shit like you used to in the good ole days(here's a hint: look at the films you have in that Festival of yours to see what kind of "quality" I'm talking about)!
T.T.F.N.,
Joe Hallenbeck
hallenbeck69@hotmail.com
