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A Couple Of ALEXANDER Reviews!!

Hi, everyone. "Moriarty" here with some Rumblings From The Lab...

I want to believe that Oliver Stone has made a great movie. I do. I love Oliver Stone when he’s working at the peak of his powers. But there are very few people capable of the precise combination of ego and cluelessness that he is, and it’s starting to sound to me, based on what I’ve heard from many friends in town, like he’s made a big weird mess of a movie. Still, I’m going into it with fingers crossed. In the meantime, here are a few reactions we got in...

Harry -

I just got home from watching Alexander up at the DGA proceeded by a Q&A session with Oliver Stone. The place was packed so I am sure the reviews are pooring in, and unfortunately, they all probably say the same thing: This movie is a mess.

According to Stone he just finished this film on Friday and, in my opinion, it looks like he rushed it out the door. All of the elements that should be paramount in this film are missing. The story is incohesive, the acting is uninspired, and the whole look is incredibly pieced together. Here are the major flaws that I find with this movie:

1. The story of Alexander is one of a man who kicked some major ass and ruled half of the world by the time he was 30. Instead of really telling this story, Stone keeps trying to find different reasons as to why he was so driven. Was it his mother? Was it his Father? Was he lonely? etc,etc,etc. By the time the movie ends you realize that you have been halfway around the world on a conquering spree but for most of the ride you have spent trying to figure out why you are on it. There is no real central theme. Just a bunch of ideas and they all come in at awkward times.

2. The accents were a little too much to stomach. Sure they can't speak ancient languages but to hear a thick Scottish accent in the 330 BC really throws you out of the whole disconnect. Jolie proves again that she can do a really good accent, but its just annoying to hear it in a period piece.

3. The music was absolutely awful. It sounds like it was done on a Casio 250 or something. Its this really cheesy keyboard sounding stuff that is so out of place you are not sure if the soundtrack is for the right movie. Nothing like watching a movie that takes place BC with music that sounds like it came from Blade Runner.

Those are my biggest beefs with this movie but you be the judge for yourself. I am really curious to see how the people react to this movie. I am pretty sure it will bore most people and piss off the rest. Speaking of - the whole gay thing? Yeah, they pretty much hint that Alexander is gay for the entire movie. Constantly there are hints and allegations. Stone never really has the balls to come right out and show it, but he made it obvious in the film that he was gay. Oddly, during the Q and A afterwards, when asked about it Stone kept mentioning how it was a "brotherly love". See the movie and decide for yourself.

The few good points of this movie are that there are some scenes that are very good. The death of his father is really well done and some of the mother-son struggle scenes with Jolie come off really well. Oh yeah, the Rosario Dawson nude scene will make you worship her instead of Jolie, but I am sure those pics will be on the internet by the time you post this. But thats about all I liked.

So there you are. Can't wait to see the rest of the responses, but judging from what I heard in the theaters, this one is going to flop.

And another...

Hi Moriarity!

Don't know if there's been any previous buzz on Oliver Stone's "Alexander," but I didn't see any reviews on a quick scan and thought I'd toss a few words your way. In brief, I was stunned--and I say that without snarky irony--stunned by how bad this movie was. Overacting, bizarro camera work and frame tinting, lackluster battles (except the one with the elephants but it'll be a struggle to stay with it that long) and...God, it was just a mess. Compared to it, "Troy" is "Gladiator," and the 70's tv series "I, Claudius" is looking better all the time.

The film starts with Alexander on his deathbed and then goes into an interminable prologue by Anthony Hopkins as Ptolemy dictating a life of Alexander. Don't like doe-eyed, slender men in eye makeup? Leave now because you're going to get nothing but for the next two and a half hours. I say this as a gay-friendly straight woman: this is the gayest epic I've EVER seen! Not gonna do too well in the red states. We get a creepily affectionate though always gorgeous Angelina Jolie with a leftover Russian(?) accent alternately cuddling young Alexander and her pet snakes just before Val Kilmer with one eye glued shut bursts in and tries to rape her. We then get a montage of life lessons by famous people, and the obligatory great-moment-from-history as the boy Alexander tames the mighty horse Bucephalus. But if you're enjoying Christopher Plummer as Aristotle, leave after that scene, because it's one of a few tolerable ones for the next two hours. Colin Ferrell, who I admittedly was never a fan of, never hits any sort of stride. His Alexander is a nice enough guy, but never is engaging on any front. He's a dreamer of world peace through conquest which makes no sense, and his earnest looks from under a succession of bad blond wigs is embarassing. Stone may be trying to make a parellel to George Bush's fiasco in Iraq but it's clumsy and ham-handed. CGI battles are commonplace now, and Stone has nothing new to add there, either, except for one cool eagle-eye view. The movie makes the story of one of history's more dynamic characters a tedious slog. We never are shown why Alexander was able to command such loyalty, and his relaitionship with his father is only filled in just before the end of the film, when you will be too tired to care. Homophobes will flee from a succession of mascared pretty boys and boy-on-boy smouldering looks (and I know that the historical Alexander had a relaitionship with buddy boy Hephastion) and smooches, while red blooded males won't get enough of Rosario Dawsons's bare breasts to make up for the tedium either. (she sports another one of the movie's mysterious accents)

All in all, a shockingly bad movie from people who should know better. Wasted talent, wasted money, wasted technology.


Yeeeeeks. Youch. Yooooooof.

"Moriarty" out.

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