AFTER THE SUNSET, it's time to stay home'

Hey folks, Harry here... Seems the film succeeds only as far as the actor's charisma and sensuality... at least according to Ishmael here... Having said that - I tend to like Pierce Brosnan's off-Bond films. When he's off McQueen-ing about, I tend to smile a bit more than his attempts at connering audiences. This is just one look at the film - we'll see more I'm sure this week...

Dear Harry,

I'm not sure if you'd be interested in this, but "After the Sunset," coming out next week, was sneak-previewed around Manhattan tonight. I saw it across the street from my school (Juilliard: Practice Till Your Fingers Fall Off). I'm a diehard Pierce Brosnan fan, so I was expecting a rip-roaring, cool-as-ice heist movie, perhaps in the line of "The Score" or "Ocean's Eleven" or "The Sorrow and The Pity."

The only good thing about the movie is the actors. As Max, Brosnan expertly limns the detachment of a cosmopolitan thief. One wonders why his non-Bond roles are nearly always men who lead dangerous lives when will he portray a stammering entomologist? However, I guess there's no harm in him sticking to what he does so brilliantly.

The electricity between him and Lola (Salma Hayek) is incredible and my god, how could it not be? To see Hayek in this movie is to understand that the only living straight man who couldn't experience explosive chemistry with her would be a 93-year-old priest, and even he might break a vow or two. I've never seen such perfect beauty. Her eyes can shoot passion, flirtation, desire, intelligence, and whimsy all at the same time; her hair is a raven-black sea I'd happily drown in; when she smiles, you expect the sun to start shining less brightly out of jealousy; and as for her bikini-clad body let me just say that while the Caribbean locations are extraordinarily beautiful and a great reason to see the movie, Salma Hayek effortlessly outshines them all.

Woody Harrelson was excellent as Lloyd, an FBI agent, which surprised me. Micky, from "Natural Born Killers," an FBI agent? But Harrelson proves his versatility, and the oafish role is a refreshing departure from the impassive, shrewd FBI agent from central casting.

In any other movie, the amazingly sexy Naomie Harris would light up the screen as Sophie, Harrelson's love interest/local cop. But Salma Hayek is in this movie.

Rather than departing from the stereotype of the genius-villain, Don Cheadle riffs on it by attempting to talk like a genius. When has any movie villain spoken in such a self-consciously nerdy way? I believe that at one point, he refers unpatronizingly to the island's native people as "indigenous." He rationalizes his vague scheme (is he offering discount prostitutes for the poor or a paramilitary operation? even he doesn't seem to know) with words like "socioeconomic" and "infrastructure." I'm surprised he didn't just whip out an Oxford's and start saying that it was about time you tourists stopped floccinaucinihipilificating our island's people. By the way, it's not giving anything away to say Cheadle's the villain you first see his minions in a smash cut underpinned by ominous music, and they're wearing white suits and carrying concealed machine guns. They ain't the local Rotary Club.

Sadly, the movie squanders its actors with horrific writing. Apparently, each scene in the master-thief-on-one-last score formula was parceled out to a different writer, who was forbidden from seeing any other writer's work. The parts of the movie's structure occur because they have to, not because they follow naturally from what came before. No dramatic tension is possible in a movie in which a dramatic arc simply doesn't exist. For example, the plot moves so far away from the diamond heist that by the time we get to the point where it will have to be stolen by somebody, the plot's rudder has to scramble just as mightily as the Titanic's in an attempt to get back on course to the Heist Movie and avoid the ominous iceberg of the Relationship/Buddy/Snorkeling/Mystery/Comedy. A great director like Tarantino can effortlessly mix and match genres. Brett Ratner, who works best within a genre (see Rush Hour), is like a hyperactive kid who can't decide which genre to choose anymore than he can decide whether to eat breakfast, play a videogame, discuss dinosaurs, or pick his nose.

Essentially, the dialogue exists for two purposes: to advance the plot, or force a laugh. This annoyed me, because the actors were so good I wanted to care about them, but you can't care about characters who only exist to serve the requirements of the scene in which they find themselves at the moment. At the beginning of the movie, a fellow agent tells Harrelson something like, "We're in a bulletproof van; you're an FBI agent; relax. We'll make the transfer just fine. No one can take the diamond." I'm surprised that Brosnan's character didn't cheerfully wave to the camera at some point and say, "Hi! I'm a master thief on one last score!" followed by Hayek saying, "And hello! I'm a sexy love interest and partner in crime. Men in the audience, you can drool now."

It was painfully obvious that behind each laugh was a board room of suited white men with doctorates in laughology and five different multicultural focus groups. In a great comedy, a laugh occurs because the characters get themselves into funny situations (see anything by Billy Wilder), not because pre-conceived situations drag the characters into them, kicking and screaming, because It Has Been Determined that the situation is funny. MINOR SPOILERS AHEAD ..Does anyone really believe that Brosnan and Harrelson would be confused for gay lovers, even given the two pieces of circumstantial evidence? Does anyone believe that Brosnan and Harrelson would have dinner with each other's love interests at adjacent tables in order to excuse the other one?s actions, after which the love interests would leave exactly together, and Brosnan and Harrelson would grab their arms at exactly the same time as though they were in a ballet?

I haven't even mentioned the blatant rip-offs: Brosnan driving a remote-controlled car was funnier in "Tomorrow Never Dies," and the ice-breaking between two potential lovers by the man pointing to "injured" spots on his body for the woman to kiss was actually poignant when Harrison Ford did it. When Lloyd does it, I'm surprised Sophie doesn't slap him and say, "I've seen Indiana Jones too many times for that to work on me, bitch."

So the long and short of it is: if you're a Brosnan fan, pray for a Tarantino/Brosnan straight adaptation of Casino Royale, and if you're a heist fan, hope that Soderbergh can reprise his magic with Ocean's Twelve. After the sunset go to bed.

If you use this, call me Ishmael.

No sooner said than I get another... Here ya go: