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A Trinity of BLADE Reviews! Including Neill Cumpston

Hi, everyone. "Moriarty" here with some Rumblings From The Lab...

They’re starting to really test the heck out of this one, and I hope David Goyer’s using these screenings to tweak the heck out of the film. Reactions seem to range from “loved it” to “hated it” with all sorts of degrees in between so far. By and large, it sounds like he’s put together a cool film that could use a little trimming, and he’s got plenty of time to make the final adjustments that could make this thing really work.

First up today, we’ve got a bit of a mixed reaction:

Hi Harry,

Was in attendance at a Blade Trinity screening last night with Mr. Goyer in crowd... we were told we were among the first to see this film, which must be for crowd-pleasing, because I know they screened it a few months ago as well. Effects were almost there (a few wires still showing) and it had a completely temporary soundtrack of electronica faves.

Roger Ebert had a really good statement in his review of Underwold about porn films walking down streets, loading weapons, getting out of cars, opening doors, loading their iPod...

Now I'd say there are spoilers ahead, but there's really no story or big build-up, so what's the point? If you've watched vampire movies, and checked out the cool brit series ULTRAVIOLET, then the plot and sub-plots are completely old hat.

Let's talk about disappointments, because I love the character, and I really enjoyed the first movie, and even liked the second one (light going around corners bothered me, but oh well), so I was hoping to really enjoy this finale.

So Whistler's back, and he's there as Blade's moral compass... "You're gettin' sloppy...", "Killing humans is messy...", so OK more on that in a sec) and Whistler picks up a shotgun and starts blasting FBI guys left and right. Uh... what happened to not killing humans?

So earlier, Blade gets "set up" and shoots a familiar, which the vampires capture on video to frame him and get the feds involved. Ok... but remember in the FIRST FILM, when they're going to the Asian vampire club, and Blade is asked how he can tell who's a vampire and who's not -- "The way they move... the way they smell." OK, so how the hell does he watch someone get out of a car and start running away from him and NOT tell that he's not a vampire? Sigh.

The movie is full of contradictions like the two above that just weaken the characters.

Then there's the "new" crew that joins Blade. The main guy is cool, has an interesting story that could have been developed (used to be a vampire, turned back, now hunts them) but was played mostly for comedy which kills the pace, especially in an interrogation scene that just pulls you out of the film completely.

Whistler's daughter is nice to look at, even referred to as "hottie" by one of the other crew, but shooting arrows at 300fps (paintball gun speeds! ooh!) and taking long ponderous showers to wash off blood doesn't make for character building. She doesn't even mourn the loss of her father... but man, does she love iTunes.

The rest of the crew isn't worth mentioning, except for one -- the blind scientist. So at one point in the film, things go bad, and Dracula shows up and starts killing everyone off. So here's the blind scientist, with her daughter, in this big complex they have... and she acts like she doesn't know her way around it, and she's a complete blubbery coward that can't defend herself or her child. What an insult. I believe that most blind people have amazingly acute hearing and sense of smell, which is heightened because their body tries to make up for lack of vision in other ways... but not here.

Instead of having the blind woman put up a cool fight, able to track Dracula by smell / hearing, putting him on the defensive, all the while snarling at him about not taking her child, she blubbers and then dies. Talk about wasting an opportunity for a cool reversal and a kick-ass fight scene...

So let me mention security for a minute... remember how locked down Blade's places of operation were in the first 2 movies? Well here, although both Blade and the Nightstalkers (whatever) are equipped and high-tech with weapons and retro-virus production equipment, and THEY HAVE NO SECURITY. Not even a backup generator when power is cut... huh?

The vampires, led by Parker Posey, who I love in all the Guffman/Show/Wind productions, is just not right for a head vampire, or perhaps the script was just unkind to her character, but either way, the vampires come off as comic, bumbling, clowns -- Deacon Frost from the first film would have drained them all and been done with it. If the message was that Blade had killed off most of the vampires that had any sense, tact, and skill, then OK I can buy that these guys are in charge... of about 20 other vampires.

Dracula, who could have just been the coolest thing to walk the planet... was a beefcake. I kept hearing Cartman screaming in my head "beefcaaaaaake!" every time he appeared on screen. Perhaps the problem with doing Dracula is that everyone's got their own impression of him they just fight for a while, then Dracula gets injected and that's it. There's even a mystery about why Drac "disappeared" at one point in time, but it's never taken anywhere and never develops into something important, which it could have.

Actually, I think that's the real problem they just do what they always do until the film ends.

Mr. Goyer looked nervous outside the theater after the flick, standing there with all the studio peeps, and I can't blame him. Most of the people around me were laughing about the film after it was over, making jokes and talking about how badly it needed editing, how bad dracula was, etc.

With some tight editing (it's 2 hrs as it stands, could be 90 mins and you wouldn't miss a thing) to pick up the pace and reduce the drawn-out humor and over-abundant slow mo and dragged out establishing shots, it could be good popcorn faire -- nothing that you'll remember 6 months later, but a decent matinee.



I’m not sure the BLADE films were ever meant to be more than good popcorn fare, but it sounds like once you start pulling this one apart, it becomes hard to stop. Want to read a totally different reaction? Want to read a NEILL CUMPSTON reaction? You know you do. To be fair, I should say that I’ve heard a rumor Neill appeared in this film, but by “appeared,” I mean crashed the set completely nude while high on rhino tranquilizer. Actually... I hope they left that part in...

Blade III: Non-Stop Fight Boner

I saw Blade III Monday night in Hollywood and I’m still punching things in my head, 2 days later. This movie is coming out in December, so even if you get dick-rot and a vegetable platter for Christmas there’s a present waiting for you in a theater. I wish there was a way to say “Fuck Yeah!” and see this movie at the same time. Wait, there is. Blade III is Cool Ranch Fuck.

Also, this is one of those cool movies where the Plot Scenes keep trying to come on screen and bore the shit out of you, but the Action Shit is all like, “See this?” (shows the Plot Scenes its fist) and before the Plot Scenes can say, “Yeah, it’s a…” the fist is suddenly mulching their nose and then cream corn is shooting out your poo-tunnel ‘cuz the movie is so good.

Here’s the plot:

1. The Vampires dig up Crunch Gym Dracula. The Vampires want to use Crunch Gym Dracula’s blood for something evil.

2. On the other side there’s these vampire killers called the Night Stalkers who want to use Dracula’s blood to make a potion that will kill all vampires.

3. And in the middle of it is Blade III, who puts on his foot-to-ass boots and kicks the chili-cooking fuck out of everything in sight.

Every single action sequence just fucking starts, and then midway through everyone takes a breather and explains why they’re kicking ass, and also why the ass-kicking’s going to go up a notch, and every time it does. There will be a lot of nerd masturbation happening during these scenes, so sit in the back of the theater.

And then, as if the director (who directed all 3, and actually wrote this one) decided to give the Blade fans a bonus for being cool, this film has two big gifts: a hottie chick, plus the hottie chick using bad-ass weapons which are so bad-ass they’re like hot chicks in themselves.

The Hottie Chick is played by Jessica Biel, who gave you a chubby you still have in TEXAS SWEATY HALF-T MASSACRE. And her new weapons are this laser bow that she slices vampires up with, plus a shoe knife, plus a bow and arrow which should get its own movie series. Like, different actors could show up in Steve Martin films and just shoot him with the arrows when he gets boring, which is all the time now. Jessica and her weapons are so hot that she not only gets a shower scene where she washes off blood, but also a scene where she’s suiting up with all her weapons, and I checked during both of these scenes and, yep, boners.

Plus, she shows her belly a lot. Hello freeze frame on the DVD. There should also be a bonus feature called Jessica’s Belly where you get to see all the shots they didn’t use.

She and her group of Night Stalkers, which include the dude who played Van Wilder, want to team up with Blade III, but he’s all like, “I’m Blade”, and “Go fuck yourself”, but then he goes ahead and kicks ass with them anyway. He’s got some awesome new weapons, too, like this sword-on-a-rope that I wish I had when I’m at Six Flags and it’s crowded.

The Van Wilder guy plays Hannibal King, and he’s always saying funny shit, which I laughed at when he said it but now all I can think about is Jessica and that goddamn belly.

Plus there’s an awesome car chase, a bunch of motorcycle fights, vampire dogs, Goth fags getting killed, a wrestler vampire, a Parker Posey vampire, swordfights, electronic pistols that make DVDs of the people you kill with them, a super-nasty death in a shower, plus three sequences where Blade just walks through warehouse/offices, setting up dates between his foot and different dudes’ nutsacks. There’s also a dude from Best in Show, plus another dude from The Warriors, plus a little girl who says something super-creepy to Dracula.

Christmas came early, and so did I, on the left-over spooge still in my pants from Blade II (if New Line pulls quotes for the poster, there you go).

Why is it that every time I read a review by Neill, I hear the theme to THE SPY WHO LOVED ME in my head? Anyway... as positive as that one was, get ready for one seriously negative reaction...

Hey Harry,

I just got back from a screening of Blade: Trinity here in Los Angeles. Well I am a big fan of the Blade series and I really enjoyed Blade 2 since it had so much style to it. So I was really excited to see Blade 3. Although when I saw the trailer and the footage that was leaked to the web I was not as excited but still had my hopes up.

Unfortunately those hopes were dashed. This movie is just plain horrible. I tried so hard to like the film but it just wasn't going to be possible. To start off this is said to be a work in progress and that it doesn't come out until December 10th but I really dson't think that it will make much of a difference. Now I am going to go into some spoilers so if you don't want to hear about it then do not read on.

Well this is how the story of the film is. Parker Posey and her vampire henchmen go to Dracula's tomb and raise him from the depths of the tomb so to make a perfect race of vampires and to kill off Blade. Now the thing is, later in the movie they said they had a hard time finding Dracula, but come on it's a Mayan looking temple that looks an awful like the one at the end of From Dusk Til Dawn, and they mention it's in the middle of Iraq. Yeah that would be hard to find. So then the opening begins with actually showing Blade fighting some vamps during the opening credits of the film. Fight scene was ok but not spectacular. Blade ends up killing a familiar(human) and Parker Posey tapes it to frame Blade with the police. So Parker Posey turns the tape into the police dept. and they are after Blade. So the police follow Blade to his "secret" hideout with Whistler. The police break in, there is a fight and Whistler blows himself up as the police take Blade into headqurters to be interrogated. This whole sub-plot was horrible. They even had a psychiatrist that happened to be a familiar interrogating him. Then Parker Posey shows up and that is how we are introduce to Hannibal King and Whistler's daughter. Fighting ensues, bad plot ensues, bad action ensues, and so does bad acting(from Parker Posey who seems cannot stop hamming up the screen).

Now the thing with Ryan Reynolds is that he is good in this for the comedy stand point, but that is the problem, there is WAY too much comedy in this movie. They even have dogs that are made to be the vamps from Blade 2 because Parker Posey was trying out different strains of vampires to find the perfect vampire. So there are a Pommeranian and 2 Rottwielers that are vampires. Very stupid idea. It was played for comedy but fell on its face. Also Drake(which is Dracula) is not played menacing enough, he is pretty much the lackey of Parker Posey's character which is not the character trait of Drake. The fight scenes are bad, and for some god awful reason it seems that american directors have a hard time directing martial arts action. All of the shots are quick cuts, with being way too close, it was hard to find out who was fighting who.

So at the end they come up with this virus that will kill all of the vampires as long as they have Drake's blood, they shoot him with the virus and the virus becomes airborne, killing all of the vamps in the world except for Blade which it seems they were making him a bad guy at the end. It shows him getting up from an operating table(because he was knocked out during the fight with Drake) and he fights the doctors, then he looks like he is going to eat one of them when it has this awful voice over from Jessica Biel saying that Blade was asleep and then he walked out. So then we see Blade on a motorcycle and he drives off, the end.

There is more I could go on about this movie but I am tired and it was horrible. I would be shocked that if this movie stays in this state that it would make alot of money other than the fact it is riding on the name. I will definately not reccomend this movie to anyone.

If you post this, then call me Suicide Squirrel

So there you have it... the latest batch of reactions. I’m certainly curious to get a look at it myself, and I want to see what happens with the New Line panel at Comic-Con this weekend. They’ll be showing some footage and discussing the film, and hardcore comic fans will be getting their best first look there.

"Moriarty" out.

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