Hey there, squirts. Quint here with yet another negative view of KING ARTHUR... Did I read the below right? Are they talking about Arthur and the Knights of the Round Table playing bodyguards to a future pope? Really? REAALLY? I sure hope this doesn't suck, but the suckatude gets worse and worse with each new review, trailer and photo released. Anyway, on with the review. Beware of some spoilers!
Greetings Harry, Moriarty, et al.
The Burbank Bandits here fresh from a test screening of Jerry Bruckheimer's 2004 summer entry "King Arthur". We would have filed this report at some point this evening, but found ourselves back in the confines of our compound sooner than expected after being unceremoniously dismissed from the after-screening focus group. The reason for our banishment, straight from the mouth of one of the research moderators: "I think you are too educated for what we're going for here." As burgeoning filmmakers, we know test screenings are, from a creative and constructive standpoint, somewhat of a joke albeit a necessary evil when working within the studio system. But when you have a $100+ million dollars riding on your tentpole picture (and we all know Disney and Eisner- whom we saw conferring with JB and Disney production head Nina Jacobson as we made our disgraced final walk Nixon-style to the elevators-- could use a hit right about now) you would think some succinct, creative comments would only benefit all parties involved...You'd think.
But no. Apparently, that's not the way the good people at Disney or the testing company work. It seems they want the opinion of the least common denominator- people who think "The Chronicles of Riddick" is an absolute blast of fun and filmmaking prowess.
That said, we the Bandits eagerly provide to the masses our brief summation of the film, its flaws, and how they could easily be tweaked to produce a rousing entry in what is becoming quite a drab summer (at least until "Spider-Man 2" hits screens).
In summary, "King Arthur" is the story of said knight and his six (?) compadres forced into ONE FINAL MISSION (dun-dun-DUUUUUNNNNNN!) before the Merry Men are granted freedom by the Roman Church.
The quest? THE HOLY GRAIL! The villians? LOUD-MOUTHED FRENCH SOLDIERS!
Well, okay, it's not quite that great, but that certainly would have helped things.
As it stands now, the picture is all over the place, clocking in at what we estimate is 135 minutes. The film opens with a poorly constructed and executed backstory sequence, starting with a title card that essentially rehashes what we've all heard in the trailers ("we all know the legend, this is the real story."). The failure of the backstory is that it only focuses- all too briefly- on Lancelot and Arthur as children. The fatal flaw is that it is completely extraneous and could be condensed to either voice-over exposition, or more title cards. This is further exacerbated by the dissolve to "15 Years Later" when we are greeted with the full roundtable on horseback, only to have no idea of who is who (and unfortunately never do).
The "Holy Grail" for this version of the fable is a Roman family of whose son is the Pope's favorite nephew (we think) who may one day be destined to assume that lofty title. Their property is in the middle of a section of land that is to be quickly devoured, raped, and pillaged by a constipated and scraggly-looking Stellan Skarsgard, in what is essentially a glamorized cameo. He leads the Saxons, who are bent on (you guessed it) world domination. The Roman church requests that the nephew and his family be removed by Arthur before the Saxons kill them all.
The lovely Keira Knightly is acquired along the way (shockingly about 50-60 minutes into the movie since she adorns the one-sheet more prominently than any of the other talent), a straggler of a third group of tree-huggers whose particular choice of facial painting was more than a little influenced by Mel Gibson and his band of Scots. This group (the name of which is still unclear to us) is led by Merlin, a hobo-looking man who has the reputation of a Wizard, though that idea is never fully realized or explored.
What follows is a convoluted and overly-long back-and-forth between Arthur and the knights getting the Roman family back to the last Roman outpost in Britain, and the Saxon army hot on their trail. Subplots start but never complete, fights become random, battling parties indistinguishable.
One particularly glaring flaw was the fact that Knight #2 (the one with the British accent) has a duel with Skarsgard's Saxon in the grand finale which seems to last longer than Clive Owens' similar clash with Skarsgard. Talk about taking the wind out of your sails.
All this may sound like sour grapes from some people that got shut-out of a focus group, but the weaknesses in the film are obvious and need re-tooling. Not major re-shoots- merely some cuts here and there, a little ADR, and a few clarifying title cards would make the difference between night and day.
With more than a month before the release, the film we saw was far from complete. Grease pen marked the reel changes and at least a half-dozen shots were video footage, taken from either an AVID or a rough cut. Temp score from "Gladiator" and "Titanic" was obvious and too overpowering at times, which always impacts a viewing experience. Here's hoping Hans will find the right balance over the coming weeks. Performances by Clive Owen, Keira Knightly, and Ioan Gruffudd (as Lancelot) are excellent in the very crowded frame they have to share with dozens of other main and peripheral characters. Rather pedestrian and "safe" battle sequences (it's clear they're going PG-13) bookend a rather riveting and fantastic set piece involving a frozen river and an axe-wielding Knight #4 (who also sports a British accent, but not to be confused with Knight #2- that one has stubble).
Disney stockholders will all but be guaranteed a gargantuan opening thanks to JB name recognition of providing quality popcorn fun and a non-stop marketing blitz in the weeks to come. Therefore, all is not lost. As it stands, the film can be sort-of saved from the muddy mess that it is and turned into a solid financial double. That said, Bruckheimer and Eisner will probably have to wait until 2006 (when "Pirates of the Carribbean 2 &3" are released) for their home run hit.
Seacrest Out!
The Burbank Bandits
