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Quint Interviews BROKEN LIZARD and Scoops The World Regarding Their Next Unrecognized Work of Genius!

Ahoy, squirts. Quint, the ever crusty seaman, here with a cool little interview I recently conducted with 4 of the 5 members of Broken Lizard, the insane geniuses behind SUPER TROOPERS and, more recently, CLUB DREAD. I say that this is an interview I conducted with these guys, but as you'll read below you'll find it more of a conversation that jumps from tangent to tangent, only loosely held together by the questions I had prepared.

As I write this intro, I have not yet listened to the mini-cassette of the conversation and I'm hoping to hell that I can figure out who is who on the tape. Among those present at the interview were Jay Chandrasekhar (alias Ramathorn, alias Putman),  who will be represented as Jay C. down below in order to save my fingers from cramping up typing and retyping his last name over and over again, Kevin Heffernan (alias Farva, alias Lars), Erik Stolhanske (alias Rabbit, alias Sam, the fun police) and Steve Lemme (alias "Mac," alias Juan). Missing was Paul Soter (alias Foster, alias Dave), which is sad, but I believe you'll forget how much Soter hates his fans by not appearing at this special CLUB DREAD screening in Austin to promote the upcoming DVD release of the film after you read the below interview... Not to mention how much he insults members of the prestigious elite press, like myself, by not making himself available for interview.


In all seriousness, I was ecstatic to get the chance to talk to anybody from Broken Lizard. Anyone that knows me knows how often I quote SUPER TROOPERS ("License and registration... CHICKEN FUCKER!!!") with my buds. I'm a big fan of these guys and it shows in the below interview.


For a visual aide, take a look at the pic below to refresh your memory of these fools. From L to R: Kevin Heffernan, Jay Chandrasekhar, Erik Stolhanske and Steve Lemme.


Handsome group, isn't it? That's about it before the interview... I must say that I brought along my little brother (13 years old) who's just as much a fan of the Broken Lizard guys as I am... Why must I say it? Well... you'll see below. Also keep your eyes peeled for the first ever revelation of Broken Lizard's next project!!! On with the show... CHICKEN-FUCKERS!!!

QUINT: I saw CLUB DREAD when I was in LA for the American Film Market...

JAY C.: Oh, it was showing in town...

QUINT: Yeah, we saw it opening weekend. We're huge SUPER TROOPERS fans...

(Simultaneously my little brother pipes up from behind me with a loud, "Yeah!!!" and Jay says the below...)

JAY C.: Oh, thanks... Hahaha!!!

STEVE LEMME: That's our number one fan right over there!

QUINT: I made him promise not to assault Kevin with "Large Farva" and "Liter-a-cola".

KEVIN HEFFERNAN (or maybe ERIK STOLHANSKE... damn micro-cassette ambiguity!!!): You need to give him one question to ask us, though.

QUINT: Yes... (I turn to him) You can ask them my trademark question at the end. Cool... Anyway, I know Eli Roth (at this a mixed collage of "Oh, yeah..." "Cool" and "OK" came from the group) and he was telling me how pissed off he was that you guys talked Jordan Ladd into losing her top for CLUB DREAD. That was his whole goal on CABIN FEVER and he couldn't make it happen.

JAY C: Eli softened her up for us...

KEVIN HEFFERNAN: If he had gone second, then he would have gotten her to take her top off.

ERIK STOLHANSKE: The other girl did, right? That other girl was really hot.


GROUP: (I shit you not, simultaneously) Yeah!


QUINT: So, Steve... I guess you're the person to ask since you had that wonderful scene with Ms. Ladd... Were they as gorgeous in person?

STEVE LEMME: Ah... This is a trick question, I think. But, there's nothing really tricky about it. Yes.

JAY C: They're epic. (laughs) You know what? I talked to her... she had some reservations about doing it and I said, "You know, we're making a late '70s, early '80s horror movie. If you look at those late '70s movies... It's just like natural... naked... sometimes bush and whatever. There's a very naturalistic element to the nudity in those movies, that I admit we didn't have in ours, but that's the idea. At least when she was doing it, I was like, "Just think about those movies." That's the kind of movie we were trying to be.

KEVIN HEFFERNAN: We also wanted to put a girl with real breasts naked onscreen.

QUINT: Before you started writing CLUB DREAD did you sit down and watch any movies to prepare?




STEVE LEMME: The opening scene of CHILDREN OF THE CORN... those kids in that corn field... that's terrifying. We were going to have a lot of jungle stuff, so... There were a lot of things. NIGHTMARE ON ELM STREET I think we watched.

ERIK STOLHANSKE: There were a lot of slashers that we watched...

QUINT: You guys ever see SLEEPAWAY CAMP?

GROUP: No...

ERIK STOLHANSKE: (Paul) Soter has.

KEVIN HEFFERNAN: Soter, the guy that's not here, Paul Soter, has seen everything. QUINT: You guys have to see this movie. It's a FRIDAY THE 13TH rip-off made right after the first FRIDAY THE 13TH... throughout the whole movie... trust me... you're going to rent it and be watching it going, "Man, that guy was kinda crazy... this movie is kinda shitty!" It's fun, but very cheesy...

STEVE LEMME: Is there any before they were stars cast members in there?

QUINT: Not really, but the ending will blow you away. Like, the last quarter of the movie it starts to spiral into places you wouldn't expect. I love it!

ERIK STOLHANSKE: We also loved THE THING. What was that movie where the tree comes to life and chases the girl and the vines grab her leg?



QUINT: Yeah, the Wes Craven film.

JAY C: We also watched that film with that little orb that flies around...


JAY C: We saw that, like, 5 or 6 times. We were on a college tour with SUPER TROOPERS and the bus driver really loved that movie and it was on every time we walked on the bus.

STEVE LEMME: There were also less traditional ones, like my favorite movie of all time is JAWS. To me that's terrifying.

QUINT: It's mine, too. My name on the site is "Quint."

STEVE LEMME: Right, well there you go!

THE GROUP: (This is a jumble from all of them) "Did you see the homage?" "We have a Quint moment in the movie." "Did ya'... did..."

QUINT: Look right there... (I hold up my notepad with all my questions written on it and point to a line where all I literally wrote was:) Kudos for the Quint reference in the film.

THE GROUP: (Once again, a jumble) "Niiiiccee!" "There you go!" (laughs)

JAY C: There's a movie called OPEN WATER... Have you seen this?

QUINT: No, not yet.

JAY C: It's awesome.

QUINT: I can't wait. I was so disappointed it wasn't playing at AFM, but "SAW" was playing and I got to watch that.

STEVE LEMME: I wanted to see SAW. That movie looked awesome!

KEVIN HEFFERNAN: You wanted to see-SAW? (laughs) He meant it!


Quint: Yeah?

JAY C: Yeah, he's an extra in OPEN WATER. It's a great movie. Terrifying.

QUINT: I can't wait to see it.

STEVE LEMME: My girlfriend is the lead actress in the movie.

JAY C: That's coincidental to my plugging of it, I have to tell ya'.

STEVE LEMME: It's terrifying.

QUINT: It's playing Seattle (Film festival)...

STEVE LEMME: Yeah, I think I'm gonna go. You gonna go? QUINT: I'D LOVE TO, BUT I'M A POOR WRITER...

JAY C: Steve'll fly you out!

STEVE LEMME: Let's do it! Me and you!

QUINT: Let's go!

STEVE LEMME: You can fly me out! (laughs, then looks at my notepad) I can see your questions... I'm gonna (makes a grab for the notebook)...

QUINT: Get a little advance prep time for the next few questions?


QUINT: When I saw CLUB DREAD, one of the first things that got to me was Kevin's complete 180 change of character from SUPER TROOPERS...

KEVIN HEFFERNAN: My transformation...

QUINT: So, did you just want to change your image up a little bit?

KEVIN HEFFERNAN: I think all of us did... I think we all tried to do something a little bit differently.

ERIK STOLHANSKE: Well, you hear stories about people who get so into their characters... Well, Kevin became Farva even after the movie ended... so it was very hard to hang out with him.

QUINT: So, you wanted someone easier to get along with this time...

KEVIN HEFFERNAN: More laid back...

STEVE LEMME: Yeah, after shooting all day on SUPER TROOPERS, like, you'd walk into whatever hotel room the party was going on in and everyone was there having a good time, out of character, and you'd look over and he's in the corner with sunglasses on sitting their scowling. Everybody'd be "Aww, great!" So, Farva lives. But you know, with that long blonde hair... He looked kinda dashing. We started calling him Devin Heffernan.

ERIK STOLHANSKE: That was his alter-ego.

QUINT: After SUPER TROOPERS did you find yourselves being chased around by crazy rabid psycho-fans shouting out lines from the film all the time?

ERIK STOLHANSKE: I get chased more by homeless people asking for pennies.

QUINT: Arguing with bushes along the way? (LAUGHS)

JAY C: We were actually with Bill Paxton... Erik and I had lunch with Bill Paxton and Jimmy Buffet in Malibu. Buffet saw the movie in Florida and is a huge fan of it now. So, he came to California and we were hanging out with him... we were leaving one restaurant to go to another one because it was too crowded and these guys, it was the opening weekend, came up to us and said, "Hey!!! Coconut Pete!!!"

ERIK STOLHANSKE: They didn't recognize Buffet, but they recognized Coconut Pete! But some girl had an exact moment that we had in the movie. We were sitting in the bar, waiting for our table, and this girl comes up and goes, "I know who you are. Margaritaville!"

QUINT: Well, Moriarty told me to ask you guys about your next movie and see if you're willing to spill the beans on it yet...

JAY C: Well, we actually have two that we're writing. We're not sure which one we're gonna do yet, but one is called BEERFEST, which is basically this underground beer games drinking competition, like BLOODSPORT or FIGHT CLUB. That's about as much as I can tell you right now. I mean, we have the whole thing done, but there are too many thieves out there.

Then there's another movie we're making where we play waiters and the owner of the restaurant is Mike Tyson.

QUINT: I heard a rumor a while back that you guys were doing a movie set around Ancient Greece...

JAY C: You know what? We're not ready to make it yet.

STEVE LEMME: We're, like, 25 drafts in. It's something we've been doing... It's the first thing that's based on a stage sketch we used to do, but it's epic!

KEVIN HEFFERNAN: We need, like, TROY money! If someone wants to give us TROY money, then the Greek stuff happens.

JAY C: Or we make it (MONTY PYTHON AND THE) HOLY GRAIL style, which is what we're trying to figure out how to do.

QUINT: Have you met any of the Python guys?

JAY C: No...

QUINT: I went to New Zealand last year... Spent 2 months in the country, fell in love with it... Then came back and was kind of bummed to be away, you know? One of the first mornings I'm back in Austin, I get a phone call out of the blue... Some press rep who said,"I'm representing someone who is putting out MEANING OF LIFE on DVD. Do you want to interview John Cleese?"

THE GROUP: Ohhh!!!

QUINT: I was scared. I've been doing interviews since I was 14, but John Cleese had me nervous.

KEVIN HEFFERNAN: How'd the interview go?

QUINT: He was one of the kindest people I've ever talked to.


QUINT: Well, I had been reading stuff about him being really shitty to reporters and stuff, but I didn't see any of it.

JAY C: You hear the same things about Bill Murray and him and I kinda think of him as a British Bill Murray... Or Bill Murray an American version of him.

QUINT: Wanna talk about a nervouse interview, the very first person I ever interviewed in my life was George Carlin. I was 14 and he granted me an interview for my high school newspaper! Not only was it the first celebrity interview I ever did, it was my first interview period. I wasn't even in newspaper at that point, I was still in Journalism 101 and he granted me the interview!

STEVE LEMME: Did you call him a lot after that?

QUINT: No, I didn't.

STEVE LEMME: I was interviewed by this girl for her school paper... She's 14... She won't stop calling my phone! It's to the point where, like, I see her... She's got, like, 5 different phone numbers that she uses because her parents are separated, she's got the cell phone... I finally told her that it was very unprofessional because she would call, then just hang up...

JAY C: Do your imitation of her...

STEVE LEMME: When she would leave a message, it'd be like (THINK SHY, VALLEY GIRL) "Hey. Steve? This is (BLEEP... name has been altered to protect the innocent)... I... havesomethingto... tell you... Like, can you call me back?" Then she'd leave her phone number. I wouldn't call her back, but then finally I told her, "This is really unprofessional of you to just call and hang up..." I was trying to be nice... I said, "It takes up a lot of space on my voicemail. She said, "I'm sorry. I'll never do that again." I said, "OK, problem solved." Now she leaves a message every time she calls!!! (laughs)

QUINT: Well, I was planning on calling you guys every day, but now...

STEVE LEMME: (In the same shy valley girl voice) "Hey...hey... It's Quint..."

QUINT: "I got something to tell you guys..."

STEVE LEMME: "Were you serious about Seattle?" (laughs)

QUINT: "... Cause it's playing tomorrow... I haven't received my ticket in the mail yet..."

STEVE LEMME: I'll be in Seattle sifting through my voicemail... "Steve... How was the movie? Call me!" (laughs)

QUINT: All right, Tony... The time has come. Wanna ask the question? This is what I ask everyone I interview...

TONY: He always asks "What's your favorite dirty joke?"

STEVE LEMME: I got one.

JAY C: I got one. I'll go second...  


JAY C: Don't use mine.

STEVE LEMME: This company decided to hold this limerick contest for who could come up with the dirtiest limerick and they were going to have the winner read the limerick out loud. Finally, they got the winner of this filthy limerick. Turns out it was this nun in Ireland who had written the limerick. So, they went out to Ireland to find her at her convent. They said, "You've won the contest... You're going to have to read it out loud."

She said, "Oh, no...I couldn't possibly read it!"

They're, like, "Well, we really need you to."

She says, "Oh, no! I couldn't!"

They say, "Why don't you just omit the dirty parts and read the clean parts?"

She says, "OK. That I can do!"

So, she gets up there... "D-dee D-dee D-dee. D-dee D-dee D-dee. D-dee D-dee. D-dee. D-dee... and they fucked in a pile of shit!" (laughs)

QUINT: Good one! Next?

JAY C (to Stolhanske): Do you have one?

ERIK STOLHANSKE: I don't think I have one off the top of my head.

JAY C: How do you get a nun pregnant?  You fuck her!

KEVIN HEFFERNAN: That was mine!!!

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